Burning up

By the time this post shows up I will be at Burning Man. I have an idea of what expect, realizing it will most likely be far different from anything in my wildest imagination. It has been on my life list (see link to the left) for quite some time and I'm thrilled it's coming to fruition with such a beautiful group of people. For many moons, (sounds like something would say at Burning Man) we have been planning for this week. For many suns, I have been actively organizing as the camp "Coordinatrix" (Trixie for short). The time has come to embark on a mind bending, body-altering experience like none other. I'm certain my life will never be the same after this week, for better or for worse. I have never before packed for a trip with a dusk mask, baby wipes, and fake fur coat. This week will be awful and awesome and I'm ready for it all! Come find me if you're there - Camp Cosmicopia at 7:15 D!

Today I'm grateful for dusk mask, baby wipes, and fake fur coat.

Gettin' jiggy

On a particularly chilly summer night this week, I got home from a fun night out only to realize I wasn’t tired, my apartment was clean, and my homework done. I had the most incredible (if I do say so myself) idea to do the jigsaw puzzle that has been sitting in my closet for years. Within minutes I felt like I was 12 again doing puzzles on the coffee table with my sister and dad.

I began by finding all the edges so I could create the boundaries before filling in the inside. Looking over the vast amounts of pieces I started to wish I had never opened it the box. The big picture completely overwhelmed me. Then my Joseph Campbell class kicked in and the symbolism of the jigsaw puzzle became ever so evident as I took it one piece at a time. With each piece I looked for its correct place and found it most often by not thinking about it or by changing my perspective of where I thought it should be. Sometimes I got caught up in one piece and couldn't move on until I found its place. It was learning to be with the incompletion that moved me forward. The puzzle still isn't finished and I'm not sure when the time will show up again. Doesn't matter, every now and then sitting down to get jiggy will be just enough.

Today I'm grateful for puzzles, books, and Walgreens.

Wrinkle in time

Last week I took a photo and became shocked and dismayed at the the wrinkles I saw. Who was this woman before me with time lines around her eyes? I haven't know so much vanity until that moment...I immediately began scouring the Internet and my magazines for ads to help with my new "situation." Then blaming spending too much time in dry Colorado and how I should have moved before I began premature aging. Feverishly wondering how being two years away from 30 I could age so quickly.

Alas, after my few days of vanity I came back to reality (and SF) to remember it doesn't matter. I'm young and will always be young under the surface. Wrinkles or no wrinkles I'm still me. Remembering my whole life only a wrinkle in time anway - who really cares if it ends up on my face too.

Today I'm grateful for wrinkles, creams, and humidity.

Scaredy cat

For as long as I can remember I've been afraid, and unsure of exactly what. I've been told to lock my doors and always look behind me when walking alone. As if humans (especially men, which a certain guy I dated pointed out many times) were dangerous and to be feared. I had an eye-opening experience last week of putting up my guard with a woman who hugged me and told me how she looked ghetto on the outside and dressed like me on the inside. (And yes, this sort of odd thing happen on a daily basis in SF.) Those words blew my mind and made me so aware of my fear of others.

I heard somewhere,  "Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learned here." Love my parents so dearly, but I do think some of my paranoia is from them. There's always a "be careful" or "watch out" following most of our conversations. A normal parental interaction, yes...I also see how it has shaped my world. We often mock one of my cats who runs from everyone and everything - except me. I'm actually somewhat afraid of him!? He pushes me to see my fear (consciously or unconsciously I can't know) and represents the part of me who is scared of anything new and just about anyone I don't know.

For several years I've struggled with an immune disorder that hasn't been diagnosed very sufficiently. Needless to say I get parasites, viruses, and the like very frequently. It's suddenly making sense. Immunity is about keeping people out. This society thrives on fear and I'm done with living that way. Like all emotions fear has a purpose, but not in loving. I can't love this world and the people in it if I'm afraid. This world is a safe place being a woman or a man and I'm tired of believing otherwise. I can lock my door and still spare a smile, and sometimes change, for a stranger.

Today I'm grateful for Boo, Dr. Dean, and Lauren K.

Eat, Pray, Party

At the moment it appears Eat, Pray, Party would be a more appropriate name for my own novel. After seeing the movie this weekend I remembered how much the book spoke to me, and in particular the "love" part. Ever since reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat, Pray, Love" I can confess to being somewhat of a wannabe. Really though, did anyone really know what an ashram was before reading her book? I think not. Ms. Gilbert's book had more impact on my life than I care to acknowledge. If it weren't for her I wouldn't have quit my lovely government job for a year (and now longer) to experience the thrill of the unknown including living at a now infamous ashram.

Similar to Gilbert it was a romantic love gone awry that somewhat pushed me over the edge (silly boys). At the time I left for Yogaville I was getting over a break up with my best friend of 12 years and found out my boyfriend of nine months was married. (insert sign of disgust here) After the ashram I headed to China which wasn't quite like Bali, but part of Asia nonetheless. I didn't fall in love there (although I did at the ashram), and instead spent time experiencing love with my family in a foreign country.

At the end of my time away I didn't end up with a Brazilian from Bali, but like Gilbert I found peace in myself. Gilbert's time in Italy reminded me of my own urge for pleasing my tastebuds that so often gets ignored (before I moved to SF of course). Living at an ashram I identified with the part longing for connection with the divine. As for love, that's everywhere. Let's face it "Eat, Pray, Love" dives into our innate desires for pleasure, spirituality, and romantic love. After a year away from my former life I now realize I didn't need to go so far to find them. My life includes all of these aspects....San Francisco itself incapsulates pleasure in the form of food, spirituality in its myriad forms of people, and love in the form of well...love. How wonderful to actually  live the life I imagined instead of just reading about it.

Today I'm grateful for movies with Hayley, cream of asparagus soup, and airplanes.

Love square

For quite some time there has existed a love square (not just a love triangle because it involves four) in the house. It starts with my dad (when he is gone get all the attention), whom my dog is obsessed with. My cat Riley adores my dog Taz and follows him around. Then the fiesty old man cat Boo follows Riley. Everywhere my father goes there follows Taz, Riley, and Boo. It's hard to tell if what they feel for each other is romantic or just a loving attachment of some sort. (In this case if it is romantic I should be an even stronger ally against Prop 8 since they are all male.)

The most obvious affectionate "crush" belongs to my cat Riley and Taz. Riley rubs up against him and sticks his tail in his face, meows at him, and even lies down next to him. It makes me giggle out of sympathy and pity for poor Riley whose love can never be. I also see the larger picture of what I have to learn from my tabby's love for my mutt. Riley loves Taz regardless of what Taz does. Riley loves just to love and asks nothing in return. His affections don't cease just because Taz hasn't returned him any attention, they still continue. I only wish I could love as Riley does - extending my care without begging anything in return. Riley reminds me of the pure essence of unconditional love, and I love it.

Today I'm grateful for floppy dog ears, sleeping in, and Mountain Mama's.

How to be Alone

Love this poem and video "How to be Alone" Such a lovely reminder that sometimes our most memorable moments don't happen with anyone else. Without TV, Internet, or roommates I'm faced with myself a lot. Since I seem to use quotes for affirmation please see below:

-"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." -Oscar Wilde
-"All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone." - Jean de la Bruyere
-"If you are alone you belong entirely to yourself. If you are accompanied by even one companion you belong only half to yourself, or even less, in proportion to the thoughtlessness of his conduct; and if you have more than one companion you will fall more deeply into the same plight." - Leonardo da Vinci

Today I'm grateful for cable, Internet, and pets.