My journey begins today

And tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Friday was my last day at my job and it was a mixture of emotion of excitement, sadness, and confusion (as is this post). At my Starbucks run I bought a mug on sale that says "My journey begins today." (How appropriate, and reaffirming that Starbucks does love me.)

Life seems to go in three or four year phases and my desire for change seems to follow that pattern. After four years of security with a job I enjoyed and great people work with I'm embarking on my first (of many) adventures. I feel the same way I did after college...there are so many different paths I can take and having so much freedom can feel really overwhelming. Literally I can do anything, so what do I choose?

I was really touched by how many people bought me gifts, said goodbye and left me with kind words. I want to look and move forward, but also want to acknowledge the past and grieve the change. No matter how much things change in my life I'm realizing how important it is for me to allow myself a grieving process, even if I don't want to deal with it. Leaving a job working with people I really care about is no different.

But each time I get scared or confused I remind myself that everyday begins a new journey, not just after a big change. Each journey and experience leads me exactly where I need to be.

Today I'm grateful for my sister's baking, Olympics, and love.

Capt. cha!

Saw this Web site on Kym's blog (who apparently saw it on another friend's page) and I love it. Am considering using it as a mandatory dating test as well (homonym mix-ups drive me batty), as if I don't already have enough of those!?

What's so great is that I have passed it everytime I've tried, unlike normal captcha, which I pass about one in every five. (Who came up with that word anyway "captcha", there are so many different ways of pronouncing it?)

http://www.defectiveyeti.com/iacaptchas/

All hail Madonna

Indeed the Material Girl has completely motivated me this week.** Madonna's myriad songs (please remember, not to use "of" after myriad, EVER - it's improper usage. Okay, I'm done with my grammar lesson of the day) have many different effects on me.

They either:
a) put me in the mood ("Erotica"),
b) make me want to dance like a crazy ("Vogue"), or
c) make me have the sudden urge to do karoake (as in the case of "Beautiful Stranger." Long story short, drunk in Paris doing karoake, after finishing finals and making out with a hot French man).

This photo is in homage to feeling powerful and sexy, two things I don't feel as often as I want to, especially not lately. Like a lot of smart women I get incredibly discombobulated (I've been searching for a reason to use that word all week) when it comes to men. Somehow I stop using logic and allow myself to get scared of someone not wanting me around anymore and leaving. As if by them leaving my whole world will fall apart. I can even feel the switch when I go from healthy, independent Becky to feeling sick and needy. This isn't me, it tends to happen when I realize I really care for someone and see a future I'm not willing to let go of.

I'm not berating myself here, just reminding myself (and hopefully you, if you're in a similar position) that when we sell ourselves short, it's time to up the price. (Wow, that totally sounds like I'm promoting prostitution.)

Okay, back to Madonna and how she put me back on track. Her song "Express Yourself" has lyrics that knocked my socks off and this was the first time I truly heard them. Picture this I'm walking to my acupuncture appointment listening to my iPod on shuffle and I hear:

"You deserve the best in life,
So if the time isn't right then move on,
Second best is never enough,
You'll do much better baby on your own."

It was as if the heavenly mother Madonna herself knew the yucky situation I have put myself in. Allow me to explain briefly without the gory, yucky details: I'm crazy about someone (who used to be crazy about me), who now has a girlfriend and continues to talk to me and interact in a way that leads me to believe he still wants to be with me. How did I get here? When did I forget what I deserved?

All hail Madonna the Like a Virgin Queen for her heavenly insight (as well as the three other people who told me in person to move on and I didn't listen).

(**Note to reader, this blog is very personal and leaving me very vulnerable, if you're not prepared for this kind of emotional intimacy with me, please stop here.)

Today I'm grateful for my iPod, my soon to be PDA, and tough love to get me back on track.

The magic of 8!

Ah yes, the magic of 8, or should I say Magic 8 Ball? Who didn't own one of these fantastic advice givers (after Dear Abby lost her charm)? (Why do I continue to begin this post with questions? Is it the Magic 8 Ball charm?)

Today, as many of you know is 8-8-08. A holiday that isn't really a holiday, but should be. (Although a calendar I own does say it is National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night. Thank goodness I don't think any of my neighbors even know what zucchini is.) It is however a sacred day for many other cultures and spiritual paths. Below are several significances I am aware of (and a few I wasn't):

MATHMATICS AND SCIENCE
-Symbol for infinity.
-There are eight known B vitamins that play important roles in cell metabolism.
-All spiders, and more generally all arachnids, have eight legs. An octopus has eight tentacles.
-As of 2006, in our solar system, eight of the bodies orbiting the Sun are considered to be planets. (I am a proud member of the Facebook group "When I was your age Pluto was a planet.")

RELIGION:
-In Christianity, it is allegoric to Christ's sacrifice on the cross.
-In Neopaganism, there are eight Sabbats, festivals, seasons, or spokes in the Wheel of the Year.
-Hanukkah is an eight-day Jewish holiday.
-The Noble Eightfold Path in the Buddhist faith has eight steps.

ASTROLOGY & SUPERSTITION :
-In the middle ages, 8 was the number of "unmoving" stars in the sky, and symbolized the perfectioning of incoming planetary energy.
-In tarot, card No. 8 is "Strength"
-In numerology, 8 is the number of building, and in some theories, also the number of destruction.

THE ARTS:
-There are eight notes in an octatonic scale.
-Songs with the number eight in their title include the Byrds's Eight Miles High and the Beatles' Eight Days a Week.


SPORTS & GAMING:
-Eight ball billiards is played with 15 balls; the black ball numbered 8 being the most important one.
-In chess, each side has eight pawns

IN CHINA:
-The Eight Immortals are Chinese deities
-War of the Eight Princes, was a war in Chinese history
-Eight is considered a lucky number in Chinese culture because it sounds like the word "prosper" or "wealth.

So now the only question that remains...do I celebrate this holiday? For this I consult the Magic 8 Ball..."Signs point to yes." Thank you Mr. Magic, thank you.

Today I'm grateful for the number 8, classical music, and Kelly Clarkson.

I "tri"ed

This weekend I did my first triathlon (sprint one, not ironman - don't be too impressed). All in all it was a stupendous time, although any excuse not to wear a ton of clothes usually is. Adrenaline and heat were intense. Other than that, just an ordinary swim, bike, run...with 3,000 other people.

By far the highlights of the event were my falls - not once, but twice. I realize it takes quite a bit of talent to do it twice in the same event. I would like to thank my ill-equipped hybrid bike and my lame-o long shoelaces, and I also acknowledgeI am the cause of my stumbles and falls (just like always).

It was quite embaressing and took everything I had to stand up again, both times. Worst part was I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I couldn't cry! You can't cry during a triathlon! (I believe that is rule 543.) So I got up and continued as if nothing happened whilest my knees, hands and ego bruised and bled.

All the while I kept thinking of the Confucious quote, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall." (Seriously though, who doesn't think about ancient Chinese philosophers during long bike rides?)

In the end my time wasn't so great, but I finished in one piece (minus several large chunks of skin of course). I had no idea what to expect, or how I would do and in the end...but I at least I "tri"ed...and in this case rocked!

Today I'm grateful for bandaids, Bactine, and my bike.

Kleinermuffinaenlicherkuchennacht! (small muffin cake love night)

Last week I made cupcakes with a close friend of mine, she bought me a cupcake recipe book and it was imperative that we baked a batch, or several. We opted for rose cupcakes (exotic) and chocolate with caramel in the middle (sticky and sweet). This was all accomplished while listening to seductive music and drinking wine. Yes, it was all too easy to fall in love with a baked good under such circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so crazy about this delicacy called the cupcake. I like them so much I want other foods to taste like them. Case in point my Cold Stone Ice Cream selection, I always get Cake Batter ice cream and rainbow sprinkles. An almost exact replica.

It's a rather simple food, cake and frosting, but it drives me wild - to the point of insanity. So, in attempts to figure it out I am going to eat a cupcake and write this blog in hopes of disbanding the mystery of my cupcake love. Here are the reasons I have came up with:

* The disporportionate amout of frosting to the amount of cake.

* Feels like I'm eating two cupcakes to one piece of cake, thereby saving calories

* They're cute.

* They're colorful.
* The sheer variety can be astounding!
* Sugar (enough said).

What's great about my obsession with cupcakes is that I'm not alone. There are entire Web sites devoted to them and even cupcake food chains around the nation! Indeed kleinermuffinaenlicherkuchen inflicts many!

Today I'm grateful for frosting, sprinkles and ovens. (predictable indeed!)

In me I trust

"Self-trust is the first secret of success." - Emerson

Thank you for that validation Mr. E. It is almost two weeks before I leave my job and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. It's sad to leave people I care about so much, especially when they say nice things - after you leave of course! And to be perfectly honest I'm nervous about what's to come. But what this decision has really boiled down to is trusting myself. Trusting myself to be creative, resourceful, and open-minded to what will happen. Trusting myself knowing this is the best decision for me.

I keep getting emails and comments about how they couldn't do it and will live vicariously through me. It makes me sad people don't see they have the same options I do. It may be more complicated with children or husbands, but they can still have what I (will) have. I just got tired of living vicariously through others and admiring them, I realized it was my fear of not having money that was really stopping me from so many things. I can make a difference in this world and in my own life if I don't let that stop me. What good am I to the people in my life and in the world if I'm stopped by money??

I notice people tend to use money as scapegoat for fear, not I (now)! My ability to earn money and provide for myself far outweighs my fear of starvation (most days). ;) (Although I am keeping the food stamps application printed out just in case.) In all actuality, I could be more wealthy when I'm unemployed than when I had my job, who knows!

This could quite possibly be the first time in my life I made a decision without even asking anyone his/her opinion. Maybe it's a sign of growing up, or just a habit that's long overdue. Either way, in me I trust, and it feels oh so good.

Today I'm grateful for my sense of adventure, email, and commitments.