I'm not a girl...

...not yet a woman. For once I'm with Britney Spears on this one. I've felt this way for a while...I remember vividly the day I went into Hollister and felt way too old and then walked into Ann Taylor and felt way to young. I still get called "Miss" and "Ma'am" - and cringe with both.

One of my favorite books - I only have about 437 of them - "The 10 Women You Will be Before You're 35" by Alison James talks about the journey of self-discovery. (You should know anytime I use the compound noun "self-discovery" it's a tell-tale sign things will only get cheesier.) According to the book these are the phases and catch phrases to go with them:

1. New Graduate: "When I was in school we would..."

2. Dollarless Diva: "I really can't afford it."

3. Worker Bee: "I'll do it."

4. Party Girl: "It's so wonderful to see you. You look fabulous."

5. Body Conscious Babe: "I'll have the fat-free, sugar-free, low carb brownie."

6. Chameleon: "What are you having?"

7. Crisis Chick: "Ugh, what am I going to do with my life?"

8. Ms. Independence: "I don't have time right now."

9. Wirl (half girl/half woman): "This girl I know...I mean this woman I know."

10. True You: (note: this phase doesn't have a phrase, it just is.)

I'm currently a Wirl and it couldn't be more obvious. Apparently another part of the "Wirl" phase involves forgetfulness. Have I written about this book/topic before? It feels familiar and I can't find the entry. Oh well...I have been all of these women, or girls, although not in that particular order. Some people/women reach them before 25, others of us are still getting there and enjoying the ride. (And attending our younger sister's wedding soon!)

What does it really mean to be a grown-up? Taking responsibility for my life in its entirety? Settling down? Stopping running through sprinklers? I'm beginning to realize it's much more simple...knowing what's best for me and having the courage to follow it. Better yet, putting myself in charge of my life, and keeping me there. As Brit says in that catchy, sappy song (just my type by the way)..."This girl(wirl) will always find her way."

Today I'm grateful for hiking, tea houses, and True Love store on Broadway.

Dear Universe...

Dear Universe,
Lately I haven't created the abundance in my life to afford the things I truly love and love doing. Will you please give/send the following things my way? (or something better if you see fit?) I realize my half birthday isn't until November.

-part-time job during day hours with people interaction, little responsibility and close to my apartment, making at least $15 per hour.

-nice haircut and partial highlight - kind I used to get and spent a lot of money on. Could really use a major discount now.

-hugely discounted or scholarship to Samadhi's fall yoga teacher training

-my blog to have an updated layout with bright colors and lots of pictures

-studio in San Fran available in January in the Mission

-another pair of Tom's shoes

-dress from Marianne and Ginger

-Anthropology clothes

Thanks! Today I'm grateful for my desires, window plants, and my windchime.

Cupcakes for the soul

Nourishing my soul has become a goal of mine everyday, sometimes every hour. When things get tough or we feel confused giving something to our soul can get us out. Chicken Soup for the Soul books figured this out a long time ago. My favorite ways to provide good sustenance include:

• journal writing
• reading
• getting a massage
• going for a walk or run
• doing yoga
• meditating
• dancing
• singing in the shower
• baking
• talking on phone to favorite people
• being creative: pottery, collage, etc.
• time with friends
• long, slow meals at yummy restaurants
• petting cats or dogs
• exploring
• eating ice cream or cupcakes
• concerts
• movies
• traveling
• unicorns (picture from plate at Lakeside Waffles)

Today I'm grateful for future, present, and past.

One year down...83 to go!

Today marks a very important day in my life, my one year anniversary of quitting my job and pursuing my dreams!! I can't tell you how many times I have craved the comfortable, safe working environment I used to have, but I wouldn't trade this past year for anything in the world (except maybe to have my job back - just kidding)! I did it - I took a year for me. A year to explore, have adventure, and connect with my soul. Wish I could say it has been easy and all fun, no work. There were (and still are) days I freak out and wonder how to make pay my bills or where my life is going. I'm far more clear now than I would have been had I stayed in the comfort of my pretty office at City Hall. Somewhere along the way, my job became who I thought I was. I'm so far removed from the woman who had an office, wore nice clothes, and had a nice hefty paycheck. My identity has become what I give and what I want for the world - not my personality, or looks, or career, or clothes, or what I own.

In the past year I've done some amazing things - lived in an ashram, fell in love, went to China, moved to Denver, was a speed dating hostess, worked for a film festival, carried around my trash, visited Napa, and most importantly remembered who I am. What have I learned this past year? I can have it all - the adventures, the fun, the amazing people, make money, and most of all still be me. What's next...well, I've spent one year following my dreams...83 to go!

Today I'm grateful for work, play, and having the courage to do both.

Teen angst revival

We all have them (or at least those of us who have ever been crazy in love with someone in 6th grade) - teen angst moments and even better, poetry to prove it. During my move in May I convienently found two of works of art created when I was 14 that described my pain (at the time) about a certain boy, who is of course my friend on Facebook now.

I went to a poetry reading this weekend at the Modbo (if you don't know what it is, Google it)where a group of us read these teen angst poems. Reading it I felt the true angst of that time. I can't fail to mention these were both submitted to Seventeen magazine - the true magnet for quality poetry and creative expression of the time.

Below are the poems so you can truly appreciate my misery at the time. Beware the gag reflex is a completely natural occurence after reading them:

My Love
My love is the sky,
neverending and relentless in the pursuit of your heart.

The moon tells of my haunted heart because of you,
it is alone in the big, dark sky and feels lost without you.

The pitch black storm clouds are my tears,
that will continue to fall until eternity and we are together again.

When I'm with you the rain becomes a rainbow,
barely visible through the clouds and my heart rejoices at your presence.

My love is the sky,
it will never end and forever be in pursuit of your heart.
An Unforgiving Love
I can feel his warm embrace,
and his soft reassuring glance.
His eyes bore deep into my soul,
many people said, "I told you so."

But I couldn't see past his gorgeous smile,
and thought maybe for a second, "This is the one."

He said he'd never leave me,
he said he'd always love me.

Could this be the same one who brings tears to my eyes
and says cruel things?

Maybe it was the lighting or something in the air,
I'll never know for sure.

But yet I still love him in an unforgiving way,
and hope someday, someday he'll wisk me away.

Today I'm grateful for puberty, my car, and not knowing.

Careful what you wish for!

My last Wednesday night can be described no other way except weird (and not just because it makes a lovely alliteration if combined). It began with cheese dicks, yes I typed correctly that is their real name. A clever sexual innuendo from the pizza place down the street that sells mozzarella sticks that go by a different name. We (by "we" I mean Hayley and me) finished the cheese and "headed" to the Museum of Miniatures, Toys, and Dolls for a Tetris Tournament. Exploring the museum we found all sorts of past joys including trolls, Barbies, dollhouses, and my favorite - Legos (or "Legs" as my sister and I used to call them). I played beyond poorly in the tourney and even forgot which buttons did what.

Then off to the "Off the Wall Dance Party "at Hi-Dive with 70s and 80s music galore. There I danced (of course) and caught up with friends. Shortly after 1:30 I went to the car to drive home intoxicated friends only to see my car was no longer there. Someone stole Maxi. My gold, Nissan Maxima with a dented hood, and 230,000 miles. For months I have been says how great it would be not to have a car and bragging about riding my bike - the universe granted my wish. The Maxi is gone, without a trace, without a final breakdown, or even a goodbye. I suppose its best this way not to have the formalities and leave it open ended. Although this was certainly not what I had in mind when I asked for car freedom.

It has been an interesting journey noticing my obvious loss and my reaction to it. I mourned its departure for several hours the next day and realized the symbolism of not having my largest material object. My how I've changed! I was more upset I couldn't give my friends a ride home.

Point blank, the universe knows what is best and be careful what you wish for!

Today I'm grateful for kombucha, bike locks, and FREX.

Bhakti Chai devotional

I'm having an intense love affair with Bhakti Chai. Bhakti is actually the devotional yoga usually singing or dancing - whatever the moment desires. Not to mention it has been everywhere lately - Yoga in the Park and City O City. My "devotion" to this chai has mostly to do with its Boulder roots and intense ginger flavor - partially to do with its base of cardamom, believed to be an aphrodiasic. Really one taste of this chai and you have no choice but to love.

Today I'm grateful for museum tours, potting soil, and rain.