"In to me you see" with a healthy dose of vulnerability

Yes, this topic is a cheesy, one…more warm and fuzzy than philosophical. But it gets at the nature of our desires. We crave intimacy with all of our being. In fact, I would argue love is all we really want and intimacy is how we get it.  As Osho says, “Love is the goal, life is the journey.”

Intimacy  by nature requires vulnerability. It has come to my attention recently that I’m not very vulnerable about what my inner experience really is, I’m fine sharing my day, sometimes a mood, but my inner experience of who I am stays completely hidden for the most part. And actually, that’s the part people most want to see. We relate on common ground and shared experience, what happens on the inside is so similar.  I always thought I was intimate with people and am realizing now, the vulnerability piece has been missing. I think that’s actually why I started this blog, to show and share my vulnerability with others, and create intimacy and shared experience with people I don’t even know. (or people I do know like my mom who is the main subscriber) ;) After realizing this about myself I picked up Osho’s “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other.” Because honestly Osho just gets it, all of it, all the time it seems.

Intimacy as exposing our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities. Where I seem to veer off the intimacy and vulnerability track is when staying grounded in my own inner strength so even if the other person remains closed, no damage has been done to me. I want to allow someone else in through my vulnerability. In the cheesy “in to me you see” way, we allow and invite someone into our inner self. People wonder deep down if their romantic and other relationships are strong enough to bear truth of what really goes on inside our heads…afraid to test the full waters of intimacy. Prefering instead to stay in the shallow waters of superficiality. If a relationship survives truth then it is beautiful, if not at least a falsity was discovered so that both parties can move on. Lately I'm aware of how intimate my friends and I are. I have reached a point where I am allowing my vulnerability to shine through and in the process have allowed people to see into me.As Osho says, once again he nails it, “ That’s the meaning of love, that at least in one person’s presence we can be totally nude.” (literally and figuratively) I also don’t want this to sound limiting and associate intimacy "soul"y with lovers. Many lovers aren’t actually intimate. In Western culture we seem to focus intimacy on our “intimate relationships.” And it confuses me because aren’t all relationships intimate? We rely on one person, unrealistically for so much when we actually have enough intimacy to go around. And yet, I also believe many lovers aren’t actually intimate. Intimacy is separate from being sexually connected to someone. We are stingy, I refer to myself here, with our vulnerability and intimacy. I want people to see the inner me, knowing a part of myself will always be hidden. I have plenty to spare. When I’m hurting I want to allow someone to see that and know if they do see and run, it's their own fear of vulnerability rearing its ugly head.

 The exposure of our innermostness can be scary and we have to trust in this sharing. I don’t want to become someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, I do want to be someone who allows vulnerability to be present. Lonliness melts away when intimacy is shared, because then we can finally feel the love that is waiting on the other side of vulnerability.

Today I'm grateful for Thai iced tea, afternoon snacks, and class.

 

Eat, Pray, Write!

My friend Jesse shared this TED video and I was really struck by its interesting inquiry into (that is a lot of "in" words!) the nature of creativity. In the time of the Greeks creativity was something one was possessed by and "had" as in came from something outside of ourselves. Nowadays we talk about people  "being" a genius, as if they are the "soul" cause of it. She also notes a new way of thinking about the idea of "struggling artist."  Enjoy!

Improv and Physics: Where Uncertainty Collides

I, like many people, have a deep seeded fear of the unknown. And being the sometimes overly self-reflective soul that I am, I felt the need to explore this scariness a bit further. Many theories exist about this natural fear of the unknown alive and well in many of us (wish I knew the proper cool Latin –phobia word to enter here). I find the psychologist theories the most useful here as they attribute the common discomfort to how our happiness as babies was determined by the predictability of our needs being met. As adults we equate the same predictability and security with happiness. Although I certainly (that is a certainty) get bored with predictability. Turns out what’s missing for me, and in a lot of cases, is actually the ability to cope with the inherent uncertainty of life - not make things more certain. Both improv comedy and quantum physics share the necessity of uncertainty, as well as many other gems of wisdom, and offer deep insights into the implications of learning to love the unpredictable nature of life.

I took my first improv class (insert Endgames shout out here), about six months ago, it was on my Life List (#40 to be exact) and per usual wanted to do something that made me slightly uncomfortable. My desire also stemed from the fact I have so few outlets to express myself in a playful way. Improv seemed the perfect antidote to the sometimes seriousness of school and life in general. It is six months since my first class and I’m finally appreciating all the important lessons it had to teach me.
Another great teacher on uncertainty is to be found in the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (a fitting title) of quantum physics. It counteracts the usual Newtonian way of thinking where physical existence is predictable and certain and shows the impossibility of measuring the position and momentum of a particle simultaneously to get accurate or certain results. Simply stated, the more we know about position the less we can know about the momentum. The act of measuring one variable changes the other. This uncertainty of measurements feeds into the future development of the system and influences all other possible outcomes. This paradoxical way of assessment encourages the idea that anything could be possible in a system with unpredictable results.

Quantum theories point to the idea that knowledge is limited and therefore cannot provide security. Even scientists recognize the beauty of creativity and its position in the unknown. Fritjof Capra, physicist and systems theorist, said, “Uncertainty is at the heart of creativity.” Improv comedy is an art form and creative process defined by spontaneity and the unknown. The principles of what makes good improv describe Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Because of its naturally self-organizing system, improv allows absolute freedom and possibility. An inclination towards order, coherence, and meaning could be likened to Newtonian physics, or a scripted play. However, anything is possible in improv and that fact makes it fascinating to watch and even more frightening to participate in.
Improv, like quantum mechanics, also relies heavily upon relationships to one another and the “entanglement” of ourselves with the other actors. Major parts of quantum physics show us how things are related (see EPR Paradox and Bell's Theorum for more on this...Wikipedia can say it better than I can in a blog post). These relations are governed by probabilities, not by predictabilities, just like improv. What makes a scene great is that the characters have a relationship we can relate to and connect with. We don't want to do predictive improv, even though some of us may want predictive science. We want to do clever, connected improv showing us the hilarity to be found in our own lives. As comedian/improviser Del Close says, “The truth is funny.”

The challenge for those of us living in uncertainty, which is all of us, is becoming comfortable in the unmanifest, or the superposition (the place where an atom is both in and out of existence) without needing to collapse the wave function. In improv terms, to live in the space of a scene where we have no idea what will happen and stay there confidently. The longer we can hold, or are comfortable in this state then the scene/life can truly unfold before us without our attachments tainting it. We as improvisers seek to balance spontaneity with scientific method, neither one giving us all the answers or showing us how to cope with the uncertainty they both thrive upon. This time in the uncertainty requires certain characteristics of mastery, one of them being trust.

Above all improv taught me the necessity of trusting in the face of uncertainty, because whatever needed to happen, would happen. I remember being at open “workouts” with a group of mostly strangers, and men to make matters worse (I much prefer the company of woman, for reasons I won’t name here), and feeling incredibly insecure. It was awful, I knew I needed to be there, but I wasn’t sure how to deal with the pit in my stomach that showed up each and every time I had to enter a scene. I didn’t trust myself enough to just jump in. At the time I didn’t realize creativity requires self-trust, and also inspires it.

We have to participate in our lives believing and trusting there is some sort of higher purpose to the uncertainty we exist in. In improv we have no choice but to love our mistakes and trust ourselves, the other players, and the overall process. Our ability to cope with not knowing what will happen next leaves us no other option. Trust, we must. For to trust ourselves and the universe in its process requires us to be the natural improvisers, scientists, and philosophers we are.

Certainty of Death

So much change has been happening and I am experiencing deaths of all kinds, not the "petite mou" kind as in orgasm (as in French), or the physical deaths. I am instead mourning the death of so many things in my life that have to go for me to fully step into my next phase of life. I'm doing my best to ride the seas of uncertainty. I find myself wanting to cling to something percieved to be static...a person, a place, a thing. I'm aware all of it's an illusion, but I don't know how else to cope.  I'm scared, and scared of what? Of being out of control, of actually  have to face who I have to be and the voice of love calling me forward into the woman I will be.  What's so scary about the future filled with uncertainty? It's as if I'm leaving college all over again or choosing a major. How do I find trust in the uncertain? There is a certainty I believe...that all of the rocking of my ship is for the better.

All the parts of me that are dying, must die for me to become the woman I know I am. I don't know her, so I don't know how to reach her or talk to her, or act like her. She's in there somewhere intelligent, powerful, and beautiful. I feel her reaching for me and I'm afraid to grasp, for when I do the little girl in me has to die. And with her all the ways I've been in my past that don't serve me. Yes, all the comfortable ways of being that involve my fear of abandonment I didn't know I had, an inability to recieve love, and all the yucky things about myself I am finally seeing.

It has become ap"parent" to me that my parents and I have a relationship that is rapidly changing. I can't be the little girl I have been for the past 29 years. Instead I can only be myself and have to stay grounded in what that means to me. When people disagree with you or don't approve of your choices, or are struggling with their own. It makes it so difficult for me to feel their love. I'm realizing what's important to me is to ask for love when I don't feel it. Being a little girl means depending up on them in an unconscious way, it means not having a space for something outside of what they want for me. I don't want to disappoint them and I also have to stand up and strong in who I am, even if that means disappointing them.

I'm swimming in the seas of uncertainty and what has to die is my desire to control what's happening and what's next. I must trust this change is for the best. So much of my personality that is ambitious and action-oriented has to surrender to the larger uncertainty that is life. I need to be willing to take risks in the name of my desires.

I'm also mourning my future. Someone I cared for for so long and I spent years of my life living in the hope of us being together again. He's not coming back, we aren't going to be together again and I have to mourn all that will never be. It's as if we're breaking up all over again. A piece of me knew this was what would be, but my hope wouldn't let me let him go. Instead I listened to songs about people leaving and coming back for the happily ever after. There will be no ever after and even in uncertainy there's a level of prevailing doubt. I spent years not investing in anyone else because in the back of my mind he and I had it made. No one would compare...and now someone has to, because it won't be him. I'm sad for all I wanted that will never be, with him.

And that's the way it should be. Life would be infinitely less fun if we knew. Indeed the two certain things of life...death and change."When have you ever been made less by dying."-Rumi. In fact this time around, I've been made more by dying.

Today I'm grateful for new neighbors, Devotchka, and my toes in the grass.

Put a Bird on It

I have to brag because my bedroom is so adorable it made it onto the Interweb, along with my "Let's Make Out" pillow. Here's the link and the title as an obvious ode to Portlandia episode:

http://www.dezignwithaz.com/flying-birds-wall-decals-becky-a-502.html

Calamity Kate

Sometimes funny things happen and they have to be shared...this is where my blog comes in. Yesterday I felt like a Calamity Kate. Picture this, an ordinary day I wake up early to meet someone to pick up a book for a paper I'm working on. I'm riding the crowded bus and dreading more people getting on. I glance outside and notice a loud, most likely homeless woman waiting to get on the bus and sneak in the back door. I think to myself that I kind of hope she can't get on because I am not in the mood (it's too early) for loudness. She gets on and a few stops later I'm getting off the bus, getting by her and she elbows me right in the face. Accidently mind you, however I take this opportunity to thank me for reminding me not to judge others. She was apologetic and I felt guilty. Moving on.

I meet my friend at the bakery, realize I forgot to drop off my rent on the way, walk up the hill to his house, several blocks out of my way and a car backfires right in front of me. Not so bad right? Then I'm walking back down the hill and a car stops for me to cross. He gets rearended and then the other car takes off...a hit and run! Several blocks later the two cars and talking and I feel silly and slink by without saying anything.

What did I learn today? Don't judge and know how powerful I am. End of my silly story...back to working on my paper.

Today I'm grateful for protein smoothies, text messages, and emails from my parents when they are on vacation.

Independence to Interdependence

Today is the 4th of July and as Americans we are to celebrate our independence from England. Turns out, I'm actually tired of celebrating independence and wanting to forget about the word. It implies not needing anyone or anything else. Somewhere along the way I decided my worth came from how little I needed other people. Somewhere along the way this becomes a very sad way of logic, even for someone who enjoys time alone. That my friends, or strangers, is madness. There will never be a time in my life I won’t need others, mostly for love, which is something I can give to myself and also must receive from sources outside of myself.

We’ve been told for so long, it is better to give than receive. So many of us feel uncomfortable receiving gifts because we have to give them. We have no one to give to anymore. I get squirmy having meals paid for or even receiving touch sometimes. It’s crazy. I’ve prided myself for so long on being independent and not needing anyone. The difficulty for me in receiving is vulnerability and surrender. So I’m practicing my receptivity to see what gifts come my way when I simply allow myself to be given to. This week, I found a ton of change, some clothes on the sidewalk and I wanted, and even had my dinner paid for twice.

In Buddhism monks must ask for ohms, I never realized how much begging for money was actually a strong way receiving. In America we look down on people who ask or assert their needs. We have become so off balance. Believing showing vulnerability is a weakness. Having needs isn’t a weakness, not asking for them to be met is. I need to be touched, I need to feel loved, I need to know that in the mystery of life there are others whom I can depend upon. I’m getting there, I can get myself to call someone now when I’m sad or even ask someone to hug me when I need a friendly touch. In the end interdependence is what we crave. Imagine what it would be like if celebrated our interdependence with England and every other country, acknowledging the mutual relationship necessary for either of us to exist. Nowhere in nature does an animal or plant claim not to need anyone/anything else. We are each others life bloods (note picture above), and it's time we start acting like it. So, that’s the beauty of interdependence, we actually need each other...not more independence.

Here's a beautiful poem by Rev. Dr. James A. Forbes, Jr. (gulp, that's a long title) from Riverside Church in NYC:
Recieving and Giving
I'm a novice when it comes to receiving.
Giving has become my expertise.
But giving alone without getting
becomes soon a fatal disease

If the intake valve is not opened
There's no way to maintain a supply.
There comes a point in the cycle of life
When the out-going stream runs dry.

Straining out love from a vacuum
Is like drinking from a heart of stone.
Try as we may, at the end of the day,
We're exhausted, frustrated, and alone.

"Better to give than receive," we are taught.
Yet another truth I've learned just by living:
Only the soul with the grace to receive,
Excels in the fine art of giving.

Today I'm grateful for quiet libraries, favorite yoga classes, and massages.

Jump around

Last week I went to House of Air with some of my favorite people, it certainly put my tiny rebounder to shame. It was a blast bouncing around and I couldn't help but feel like a 10-year old again, not to mention the great cardio workout also involved. While the boys did flips and were basically out of control I became aware of my fear of being out of control. I did a few wall bounces, but for the most part stuck to classic jumps such as the split, side winder (don't know what that is, but I made it up), and imitated kung fu kicks. There was even a dodgeball colliseum, where I remembered how much I don't like boys over the age of 6 to about 30. Number 17 off my "30 before 30" list, done and done!

Today I'm grateful for House of Air, jumping shoes, and Crissy Field.

Unconditional love

Below is a blog post from one of my new favorite people for inspiration, Elizabeth Husserl of Inner Economics. I've had a few sessions with her and each one has helped me see a part of myself I hadn't seen before, just when I thought I had seen them all!? In particular my relationship with money needed some major work. Somewhere along the way mONEy (my new spelling to support how much I adore finding words within words) came to represent love. I felt so empty without it and noticed that was how my parents showed me they cared. It began to feel so conditional and fleeting, which is also my experience of love. Sugar has also represented this for me in the past, but that's another story. So through Elizabeth's coaching and my own noticing, I've separated the two. Love is love and money is money. They can meet knowing they aren't one in the same. So, on with unconditional love and that it exists, all the time, whether or not we feel it.  Here's a quote from Rumi to get us started,
"And just the moment when you are all confused, leaps forth a voice, hold me close. I'm love and I'm always yours."

Unconditional Love (and Money)
Last night was one of the hardest nights I had as a mother in a long time. My daughter has her second cold ever, and combined with the first molar she’s pushing through, it’s been a couple of rough, not-so-much-sleep days. The usual pattern is this- she falls into a deep slumber for twenty minutes (because she is utterly exhausted) and then wakes up and can’t quite get back to sleep. (Yes, my friends, knowing how to sleep is an acquired skill!) We spend hours this way- her sleeping for bits at a time, waking up screaming in sudden pain, and then I holding her across my chest until she dozes off again. I’m sure other parents would appreciate me saying this- it’s a lot of work!

So not surprisingly, this morning I was not my cheerful self. I longed for another hour of sleep or even a warm cup of mate on the bedside table to wake up to. I had neither. Instead I found myself early on my living room floor watching my daughter put on her pink frilly tutu and look to me to play. In my exhausted self, I couldn’t help but smile. Her in-the-moment experience was flawless. Yes, she too had had a rough night last night, but her morning was unaffected. Her nighttime struggle was a thing of the past; what mattered to her was that I sit there now, this morning, to play. She was all smiles. So again, I couldn’t help but smile.

I found myself talking to her, acknowledging that we had had a rough go and I might not be in the best mood. But I assured her “you are still loved”. I realized how important that was- to tell her that I still loved her regardless of how I was feeling. Obvious? Maybe. But I can’t tell you how many people I work with who doubt if they were unconditionally loved. As a result they look for this love other places- in dependent relationships, in their work, and more often than not, from money (i.e.- “money if you don’t show up in my life or if people don’t give you to me, I am not loved”). The emotional correlation of money and love runs pretty deep.

This morning as I uttered those words to my daughter I felt a chill run through my spine. I knew that my parents felt the same. Even when I kept them up (more so in my adolescent years) or even when I turned in the opposite direction from the expectations they had, I was still loved. Was I always understood? No, not always. Did they always agree with me? Not necessarily. But time and time again they too showed up and to the best of their capacity accepted me. That, is unconditional love.

So with the intention to help more people see that unconditional love does in fact exist, and moreover, it exists around them, I share my this story to you. Even in those moments that we are sleep deprived, down, and even upset, we still know how to love. Even in those moments that we are frustrated and disappointed, we still love. Even when we imagine we’ve done the worst thing imaginable, we are still loved. Yes my friends, even when we are utterly human (which is in the end, what we’re meant to be) we love and we are loved. No need to put that need on money. It just confuses everything.

Let yourself be who you are. Feel your joys and your pains. And remember, by someone somewhere, you are unconditionally loved.