Esalen

Next week I attend my first notorious PCC retreat at Esalen. I have no idea what to expect having heard a lot about epic naked hot tubs, lots of meandering, talks, and drugs. Seems like anything is possible...certainly something I am ready for.

Esalen Institute really started with the Beatnik movement with Jack Kerouac and Henry Miller during 1950s.  In the 1960s Joseph Campbell, Ansel Adams, Joni Mitchell, Grateful Dead, Ringo Star, and even Bruce Springsteen hung out there. Now it hosts such visionaries as the Philosophy, Cosmology, and Consciousness studies of CIIS. I'm looking forward to bonding with my new family over clothing optional hot tubs.

Today I'm grateful for hot tubs, coffee, and hormones.

Babies

I have a personal ritual that involves a documentary and eating cake every Sunday around 8 p.m. Sometimes later or early depending upon how I feel, but it happens...not matter what. It's important to me to have a personal ritual to reconnect with time alone and do things I love. This past week I watched the documentary "Babies" about four, you guessed it, babies from around the world. It follows them from their birth through the first year of life with very few words or dialogue. I loved it, and for a moment I almost wanted to have a baby in Africa so it could learn to crawl through the grasslands. My favorite scene was the baby in Mongolia taking a bath and a goat coming over and drinking the water from the small tub.

Goes to show no matter where we grow up or live, love is a part of the universal human experience...and believe it or not, so is birth.

Today I'm grateful for cake, documentaries, and Jorge.

Commited

Today is my one year anniversary since I really commited to myself - it has taken me that long to even begin to understand what it means. I bought a ring a year ago to symbolize the never ending relationship to myself. My commitment has become about honoring my truth. I'm in many relationships romantic, familial, friendship and of all these the most important one is the one with myself. I have cultivated it over the past year. Continuing to learn more and more about what I love, what nourishes me and what doesn’t. The type of relationships that complement my commitment and those that don’t. Honoring my truth, what feeds me and following my seductions. Creating personal rituals that connect me to me (most of my friends are aware of my documentary and cake night on Sundays). I focus on spending time with what I love and whom I love(including me). Most of all knowing what I'm commited to first and foremost...me.

Today I'm grateful for my family visiting!, my ring, and Thai tea from the cafe with lots of caffeine.

Loud and clear

So apparently from now until Nov. 20 when Venus Retrograde ends I seem to be very much at its whim. There are many explanations for this, and none that make sense to me on a rational level. Alas, this time is about letting go of past loves and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a certain someone out of my head. I've written about it and then a poem came to me with such clarity I knew this was a part of my healing and releasing:

Your silence speaks volumes,

In none of those volumes do I hear,
"I love you" or "I miss you."
I said it first so I can't say it last.
I have questions,
Do you love me?
Do you miss me?
I dare not answer for you, as I dare not ask.

I never asked you to stay and even helped you go,
because I knew- our journey had to end,
so I could resume mine.

So I sit in fear, and hope, and love.
Into the silence I say nothing and ask nothing.
And wait for your reply.

Your silence speaks volumes and suddenly I hear, loud and clear..
"Let me go."

Succumb to seduction

Surrendering as a spiritual process means allowing whatever will be, will be and releasing an attachment. Lately I've noticed a type of surrender I hadn't noticed before...the surrendering of seduction. To follow what tempts or entices me through my senses. Forgetting what I should be following or doing and knowing whatever I love in this moment is exactly what I need to be drawn to. It's as if my future self pulls me forward with its art of seduction. Going down the rabbit hole by means of an attractive man, a delicious sweet treat, or other bodily pleasure can somehow open up secrets of what I love and don't yet know. I have a tendency to be in my head about (go figure, I'm studying philosophy) most things. I attempt to make decisions about everything from the type of men I should date to what color my yoga mat should be using a rationalization process. The time has come to succumb to seduction (insert kind of sleazy joke about "coming" here)...and to think I was unaware of Venus Retrograde's impact on me...;)

Today I'm grateful for slumber parties, new Website coming soon!, and pottery time!

Unveiling Venus

I have a thing for documentaries and by "a thing" I mean that I watch them compulsively. Some of my favorites are actually former PBS specials turned film as the case with a NOVA doc I just got from the library about Venus. In honor of the Venus Retrograde beginning tomorrow and the mere fact my moon is conjunct Venus (don't know what that means? neither did I up until a few months ago)  and my sun is in Taurus (ruled by Venus) I feel compelled to share about this intriguing planetary neighbor and muse. I am after all a somewhat perfect example of how the archetype affects us here on Earth with my sugar craving and love for beautifying my environment.

Venus can be seen on clear nights as the second brightest thing in the sky, after the moon, because of its highly reflective clouds. Earth's "sister planet" has 80% covering of volcanic plains. Because the planet is easily visible it has been entrenched in human culture since prehistoric times (okay, so then it wasn't a human culture at that time, but homo erectus...whatever). As fascinated as I am by the history of the planet and similarities to my own home on Earth...the archtypal meaning intrigues me the most.

It's a symbol of the feminine and associated with the element copper in alchemy. When I look at how this beautiful planet shows up in my life it reveals my relational self. I remember what it means to love and treasure the pleasures of life. Venus, like love, is full of eruptions and strange boundaries (cloudlike if you will). To celebrate this Retrograde of Venus that occurs on Venus Day (vendredi in French, in English commonly known as Friday) I plan to be as Venusian as possible - and am still discovering what that means. In the end only through unveiling Venus can we truly see ourselves and what we love.

Today I'm grateful for Internet, pedicures, and Muir Woods.

Truth sets you free

Lately there has been a theme in my life about people's secrets being busted. We all have them...like the time lied to my parents about going somewhere and then ran into one of their friends. That's the strange things about secrets - most of the time, people find out. A friend of mine has kept a secret from her husband and he recently found out. The universe supports us in the lessons we need most to learn and I truly believe this was someething that happened for her as a way of setting her free from the energy of lying that happens with a secret.

I too, have secrets. Some only a few people know and some a lot of people know, and some just I know. Secrets eat away at your soul and I'm learning to appreciate more and more everyday how straight honesty and communication saves everyone from heartbreak. I can't imagine anything now so important I couldn't eventually tell people about or something so awful I couldn't tell anyone. As much as I hate adages (that's a lie, I love them)...the truth does set you free and those around you.

Today I'm grateful for Muir Woods, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, and work.