Shadow dancing

Where there is light there is dark and I saw a film this weekend at Mile Hi Church (I just don't get tired of that place), which made me love both. Our shadow represents the part of us we're ashamed of and therefore push away and hide...perfect examples of Ted Haggard, Rush Limbaugh, Spitzer, etc. People who spoke out strongly against something and ended up being a part of what they hated. When we ignore a part of our deepest desires and things we dislike about ourselves they find a way to become expressed. Some quotes about shadows that seem to sum it up far better than I:

-"Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?" Henry David Thoreau

-"Evil is the shadow of an angel. Just as there are angels of light, support, guidance, healing and defense, so we have the experiences of shadow angels. And we have names for them: racism, sexism, homophobia are all demons - and they're not out there." Matthew Fox

Shadows provide a projection at it's finest - what we dislike in others we dislike about ourselves. (Light behind the projector creats the shadows and images we see.) I find examples of this every where in my life. Today I got frustrated with my dad thinking he was questioning my decision to go to grad school in San Francisco. He wasn't questioning it, I was and heard it through him. Women who are supported by men make me so angry, as if I'm so afraid of admitting sometimes it would be wonderful to have someone else support me. I get jealous of women who are so easily able to put their sexuality out on the table...reminds me how hidden in my shadows my own sexuality becomes.

What I noticed more is that when we react to a projection we become it - especially if we think it's "someone else's stuff" and not our own. When we begin to own it and accept it all just as it is, then it begins to loosen its grip. By nature only with light can a shadow exist. So many of us are afraid of own shadow - a necessary part of us. I'm tired of fighting the darker part of me I don't like - "shadow boxing" only gets us so far. I want to take it a step further and not just accept - I want to dance with my demon shadow and love it as my light.

Today I'm grateful for full moons, my shadow, and warm wool sweaters.

'Tis the season

The holiday season seems to creep up closer every year and I'm excited for it as always. Every year, I greet the season with eagerness because the entire country (and Western world) feels lighter, romantic, and more loving. What is it really the season for I ask? I get tear-eyed just thinking about the song from Rent, "Seasons of Love." And yet I'm beginning to notice it's always the "season of love." The season of love isn't when there are weddings, around Valentine's Day, or the winter holidays - it's now and always, depending on how we look at it.

Thanks to my beautiful friend/sister Brea (I love that she calls me "sister") for correcting me when I said it just wasn't my "season for love" anymore. The season of love has no beginning or end. We always love others and ourselves, just don't always express it. I remind myself that love isn't about a type of love...our mind compartmentalizes it into romantic, familial, or friendship. Love itself has no categories, it just 'tis.

Today I'm grateful for Melting Pot nights with the JL gals, depositing my paycheck, and when my family's cat stalks me.

In the journey I trust

Tama Kieves is a Denver author and I adore her writing style and her book "This Time I Dance" continues to guide me through my career transition. I can't help but imagine our lives seem very similar...living in Capitol Hill,writing (I'm hoping she has more money for groceries than I do), and waking up to remember our dreams haven't happened yet. I received her montly newsletter (http://www.awakeningartistry.com/) this week and wanted to share, it's about being grateful for ourselves and noting that at the table of the soul there are no judgments.

This is my favorite holiday because by nature we remember what is working in our lives and everything we have to be grateful for. We remember the abudance that surrounds us everyday even if we don't see it on a table.

I'm most grateful for myself for finding faith and trust in my journey and I'm grateful for you for being where ever you are as a part of it.

PFD

The day after the Starz Denver Film Festival...a day filled with bittersweet relief. Some call it sleep, I prefer Post-Festival Depression. After months of excitement a week of action-packed parties, receptions, and films - the festival ends with not much to show for it. A lot of build up and now back facing my life and what's next (keep thinking I will be done with this question soon). On top of that, I was certainly more cranky this year than last. I mostly attribute it to fewer sleeping hours, dealing with media and a few high maintenance filmmakers. My best self wasn't out the entire time of the festival and I'll be the first to admit it and apologize to anyone whom I may have come into contact with.

I finished the festival in one piece and met some incredible people throughout. Oddly enough the most memorable moment of the past 11 days was on my way to work last Monday. I was at the bus stop waiting, as people tend to do there, and a pigeon did a mating call coo and walk around my feet in a circle several times. I have never been so flattered in my life. In my frazzled and not so pretty state I felt like belle of the ball.

The picture above was indeed posed, although my perma-stress face might possibly stick around a few days longer. I suspect the PFD will begin to fade in the next few days and the festival fog will completely disapate after a week. Memories of the "coo"ky pigeon, spending time with the Touching Home folks, and lots of Wii tennis will be around for a while...or at least until the next festival.

Today I'm grateful for detoxes, pancakes, and free bus rides.

Festival fog

The first weekend of this year's Starz Denver Film Festival finally wrapped up last night around 2 a.m. It was indeed a fog that is lifting only slightly with several more days to go. A lot of work, but I seem to manage fun and weight gain from all the marvelous food - very well. Highlight so far...getting to hang out with Ed Harris for about 48 hours straight as his "handler" (such a strange Hollywood term, I by no means handled much of anything). Rachel Leigh Cook was also very lovely, and the spread of cupcakes in the Filmmaker Lounge two days ago made my week. Not to mention more attractive filmmaker eye candy than I ever imagined.

The fog has been thick and I'm slowly but surely make my way to the other side...called Closing Night in festival terms - although I'm beginning to think I may want to stay in it longer than I thought...

Today I'm grateful for sugar, yoga teacher training, and films.

Starz are aligned...

Thursday, Nov. 12 at approximately 4:30 p.m. the Starz Denver Film Festival officially begins for me with red carpets, filmmakers, and an Opening Night filled with sold out seats. I couldn't be more excited for the culmination of my hard work over the past few months...This year's theme is Destination:Anywhere and I can honestly say I never know where this festival will take me.

On Nov. 17 during the festival (the 11-day event culminates on Nov. 22), there is one of the largest meteor showers happening at around 11 p.m. I sincerely hope I get the chance to see how the Starz align for this year's festival and where they will take me next. I'm so grateful for a job I enjoy working with people I adore for an organization that lets me come into work at 10 a.m. if I feel it.

Today I'm also grateful for the films Precious, The Last Station, and The Young Victoria.

Poet and did know it

I took a poetry class at the library (bless you Denver Public Library for allowing me to indulge in my non-talents for free), apparently since my teen angst poetry reading I keep thinking there must be more angst bundled somewhere I haven't found yet. Poetry really took on a difference meaning for me in this class - it isn't about perfect writing or even using your thinking mind. Poetry puts words on paper, not sentences or even complete thoughts. One of our assigments was to write about where we feel censored and also a power piece. I was going to post them on here and realized how private it feels to write poems and I'm not quite ready to share them.

I'm no Emily Dickinson or Mark Twain, but I have fun. We are drawn to people and situations that have something we long for...I even almost lived on Poet's Row. Mostly I believe we all have a poet inside and at least I know it, now.

Today I'm grateful for warm showers, large windows with which I can watch the snow, and movies.

Changeling

Fear of change can run our lives and for many people it does (witness my Halloween fear above.) Refreshing that in a sea of change and impermanence we forget one thing always remains - our never changing, omnipresent soul (called puru sa in Hindu tradition). Seasons come and go, people come and go...our situations and circumstances, the core of our being stays exactly the same. We may grow in consciousness and awareness of our soul, but it's always there. The constant in inconsistency. What a wonderful reassurance in times of yuckiness, yes a technical term for we yogis and hippies alike. I agree with the Buddha that our main source of suffering comes from believing things are permanent. It is this impermance that creates our lives - growing from birth - and yet we resist it wholeheartedly as an enemy.

In times of happiness that seem so brief, we cling to the illusion that we can make it stay always and obsess over what we need to maintain it. In times of sadness it feels eternal and neverending. Marianne Williamson has an entire book about the dreaded word "change." (In case you can't figure it out this of course sparked my thought process.) Our ability to be a part of this change and flow makes our lives easier or more difficult. Fear of change spawns from a need to control and accepting the idea things change, without our permission allows us to be accept and move forward. In doing so we lessen our suffering and begin to love the change that is life.

Without change we wouldn't have evolution or new ideas or even grow up for that matter. I'm done resisting change - without my judgments of positive or negative...I have become a changeling for change, and proud of it.

Today I'm grateful for chakras, Dr. Cynthia, and Denver Film Festival.

Films galore

I’ve officially become a workaholic and my life is really only about the Starz Denver Film Festival so all I do is work or watch films. Only seems natural to write about the films I’m seeing in hopes to get others excited about coming to the festival! As I see films I intend to write about them, not all of them mind you...my blog is mostly boring enough!? I'll let you decide which film you think the picture on the left was taken from...

Orgasm Inc.

One of the films in the festival, Orgasm Inc., examines female sexual dysfunction. Is it actually a disorder or a case of women not knowing their own bodies and having two kids and a husband to take care of? Of course a pill that would give me an immediate orgasm would be fun, feels like that’s what we all want. An easy fix, even for pleasure. What about the emotional aspect of why or why not someone has an orgasm? Fun film with great questions about female sexuality.

Blessings: the Tsoknyi Nangchen Nuns of Tibet
The filmmaker from this film is a fellow Coloradoan and it is even narrated by Richard Gere. As if looking at Tibetan nuns wasn’t wonderful enough you get to hear Gere’s voice every now and then. =) The film is about East meets West. A group of western women travel with a Tibetan Buddhist teacher to Nangchen to meet 3000 Buddhist nuns who practice a form of Buddhism initiated in the 1800s. In the 1960s, 40 nunneries were destroyed by China and the survivors found caves and other hidden areas to practice their tradition. It was touching and lovely and brought me back to my own spiritual path, by following theirs.

Today I'm grateful for great parking spaces, quiet libraries, and large trees outside the window.

Choosing your battles

Lately, I've been thinking...(said like the intro for a segment on Chelsea Lately) about battles and the ones we choose to fight, and don't. The other day at work one of my suggestions wasn't taken about a quote I was uncomfortable about submitting for a news release...in my opinion not worth fighting for. A few hours later I noticed a fight in my head about whether or not to go to yoga class. How do you know which ones are and which ones aren't? I would think the answer would have to do with your intention. If wanting to prove someone else wrong or be right or look good...the answer is obvious. What about the really big battles. I'm referring to the one yoga identifies and the one discussed in the Bhagavad Gita (similar to the Christian bible).

To make a long story short - literally (it's a book!) and figuratively - Arjuna, a warrior and possible heir to a throne, must fight a war with several relatives and consults with Krishna (a male form of God) for help. He doesn't want to fight the battle or kill. People have discussed for years whether or not this is a true story or just that, a story with nothing more than to make a point. What struck me the most wasn't what he was fighting, but if he should fight at all.

Krishna says he must, it's a part of his path and therefore he must move forward, he offers him some "weapons." Conquering the lower self (ego, attachments, mind thinking) is about first choosing to even fight the battle. Krishna tells Arjuna to use yoga as a “skill in action” to conquer and master selfish desires. Yoga will provide the “evenness” of mind necessary to move forward. I like that he doesn’t tell him to renounce life and become a monk, instead it is about having the journey in life with the struggle and still moving forward.

This story is everyone’s life. A part I really related to was in the beginning when Arjuna hesitates to join the war. Fighting in this battle of self-mastery, a part of us must die and no longer exist. To some extent that concept can be very scary, especially if we identify ourselves with certain aspects of us. Even though those aspects aren’t our identity, the mind makes it feel that way. Being on this spiritual path and fighting the noble fight requires devotion and faith. It’s so beautiful we get to decide which path to take. Love seems to be our most valuable weapon. I certainly have the same concerns of death and fear Arjuna has. I must overcome my passion and ambition and release from attachment to reach the ultimate phase of samsara (cycle of lives) – the unmanifested, where Krishna, and my true self, resides.

Once choosing this battle, there's no going back...that's where the resistance lies for me. I have the weapons needed and armour...all that's left is putting up my dukes.

Today I'm grateful for sun sets, notes, and clean kitchen.

Hallow Saints Souls Dead Day

This has certainly been a very auspicious weekend (I hardly ever get to use that word and I love it)...Halloween (with Daylight Savings Time extra hour to party), All Saints Day, and the Day of the Dead with a full moon. Saturday I enjoyed Halloween like any good Trekkie does...with fellow crew members (aka Hayley and Nick). We went to scary - that would be an understatement, very scary - haunted house appropriately titled City of the Dead. I was even chased by a creepy guy with an axe, serves me right for trying to be cute by winking and waving...

What I enjoyed most was how different this was from other Halloweens, I really enjoyed the holiday instead of getting caught up in what I thought I "should" be doing (e.g. dressing provocatively and going to numerous parties or bars). Instead, after the City of the Dead we ate pizza and I got a cupcake (needed treats you know) at City O City where I ran into my neighbors.

Today, Sunday, is All Saints Day, which is also a part of the early Pagan tradition Feast of the Lemures - a time rid of malevolent spirits. Not quite sure how I will celebrate besides maybe read the Saint Francis of Assis prayer a few times and meditate. Oh and eat pumpkin pancakes with my parents at Le Peep - an option for all holidays.

Tomorrow is the Mexican holiday Day of the Dead and Christian holiday All Souls' Day. According to Wikipedia, "Traditions include building private altars honoring the deceased, using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed, and visiting graves with these as gifts. Scholars trace the origins of the modern holiday to indigenous observances dating back thousands of years, and to an Aztec festival dedicated to a goddess called Mictecacihuatl.

Similar holidays are celebrated in many parts of the world; for example, it's a public holiday (Dia de Finados) in Brazil, where many Brazilians celebrate by visiting cemeteries and churches. In Spain, there are festivals and parades, and at the end of the day, people gather at cemeteries and pray for their loved ones who have died. Similar observances occur elsewhere in Europe and in the Philippines, and similarly-themed celebrations appear in many Asian and African cultures."

So there you have it, four holidays and a full moon.

Today I'm grateful for Star Trek, pancakes (had to see that one coming), and the radio.