Pride without prejudice

The Monday after my first Man Francisco Pride Festival and all I have are several pictures and a few words. Photos above...rainbow balloons and a penis in the background, me after a random lesbian wanted to autograph my back (she's apparently on the Roller Derby Team for SF). It was an amazing weekend full of scantily clad men, Pink Party, and the Backstreet Boys. The "Boys" were on for 4.7 minutes and it didn't even matter. I had an incredible weekend of pride, without prejudice.

Today I'm grateful for Rebecca, Atiba, and Annie.

Piece of Work

I'm not sure how I don't have a TV and yet still manage to discover new TV shows. My most recent find involves a Project Runwayesque feel involving artists instead of designers. "Work of Art: The Next Great Artist" follows 14 artists competing for a chance to get a solo show at the Brooklyn Art Museum and $100,000. Um yes, that would be a lot of money for a starving artist.

Yet, it gets even better. Sarah Jessica Parker is the Executive Producer, as if we needed another reason to watch!? If we are going to be watching TV, why not something that promotes modern art to the masses...great attempt to culturize U.S.A. Instead of "I'm sorry _, you're out," lovely China Chow says, "I'm sorry _, you're art didn't work for us." Classic, real piece of work if you ask me!

Today I'm grateful for museums, books, and curry chicken salad.

Blissed out

I'm not a soda or caffeine drinker, but I have found an uncommon liquid craving in NeuroBliss (and sometimes NeuroGasm). A combination of amino acids and B vitamins, it energizes and lifts my mood without feeling overly stimulated as a lot of energy drinks makes me feel. (I'm completely aware this last sentence made sounds like a spokesmodel for Neuro drinks...I could only wish!)

Here's a quote from the founder, Diana Sanela Jenkins I wanted to share:

"I wanted to create drinks that taste good and promote well-being, without a bunch of chemicals," said Jenkins. "Neuro's success reflects the desire for something different, responsible and smart."

Initially I saw it in Walgreens and was drawn to its somewhat phallic shape with curves - a nice balance of the masculine and feminine if you ask me. Yesterday a friend of mine also pointed to the questionable color. Yes, I might just recommend an opaque bottle instead of transparent. Shape, color, or price I can't help myself...I'm blissed out on NeuroBliss.

Today I'm grateful for Neuro Drinks, Walgreens, and pennies on the sidewalk.

GLEE!

I would like to state for the record that show choir in high school isn't near as cool as the TV show Glee makes it out to be. We definitely didn't call ourselves the "Glee Club" although I might have had more pride if we did. "Show Choir" doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Yes, there were certainly a few singing hotties, but nothing like Finn. We sang the Lion King and once Mariah Carey - not Lady GaGa or Journey. We wore the same costumes every performance with gold sequined tops and black skirts with hose and black heels - no theatricity. Most importantly my teacher was bald and not a studly Will Shuster.

I realize with this post I openly  admit to having seen the show, perhaps watching it several times. It's worth the partial embaressment to me. Enjoying a show that sheds light, gleefully in fact, on a part of my high school experience I don't often get to remember.

Today I'm grateful for Glee, online TV, and FB to connect me with my former show choir classmates.

Facebook Fast - Day 5

The weekend has arrived, which means I don't spend much time on Facebook anyway. I will however be spending even less time and have even less interest since my parents will be here and I have a friend from Denver staying with me for one night. All in I do feel detoxed and energized without FB around. It isn't that I think it's bad so much as it distracts me from living my life and I waste time on there. Facehooked doesn't begin to the describe the actual "Wastebook" that it has become for me.

Today I'm grateful for steamy stories in my writing class, clean apartment, and dinner reservations.

Facebook Fast - Day 4

Over half way done and I kinda just miss good ol' FB. My parents arrive tomorrow and I want to shout from the rooftops how excited I am to see them. The next best thing to shouting from rooftops is a Facebook post and since that isn't possible right now, I shall Tweet. I'm also beginning to realize I don't think I actually have a problem (this isn't denial, just fact). Come on now, I don't even have a phone app for it and only update my status every few days.

Day 4 and I have come to the conclusion I only kinda miss FB and I don't have a problem. Oh yes, and my parents arrive tomorrow!!! =)

Today I'm grateful for Journey to the Universe presentation, panhandle, and the Wiggle.

Facebook Fast - Day 3

Hmm, day 3 and I'm going strong, but can't help wonder when the shakes will start. For starters I sat at computer after checking email and realized there was a farmer's market! I quickly gathered my things and went to buy some fresh eggs and veggies. I also reorganized my desk and went through some clothes to donate. Quite possibly the largest feat was actually applying for a contract job, and then also finding out I didn't get the job a few hours later...I also met a friend at a coffee shop instead of just texting her.

I'd say the fast is going well, I'm already on Day 3!? It's going well and fast!

Today I'm grateful for One Taste, NeuroBliss, and Anusara yoga.

Facebook Fast - Day 2

Today when the urge struck to get online I instead made a long over due doctor's appointment and ate at my table for lunch instead of my computer. Then something even more amazing happened...I actually had a phone conversation with a friend instead of just posting a "Hello, I love you" note on her wall. We had a very productive conversation reminding each other about the silly TV shows we watch on occasion and gossiping about ex-boyfriends. Oh how I've missed more of these sorts of discussions that don't happen often enough when one can instead stalk an ex online alone. I'd say this fast is doing a mind, heart, and body good.

Today I'm grateful for Hayley, Glee, and more time.

Facebook Fast - Day 1

It has recently come to my attention I might be "Facehooked," so I have decided upon a Facebook fast lasting approximately one week in length. My blog will serve as a way to document the ways I have spent my time when the urge to FB (used here as a verb not a noun) hits. My predictions include writing on my blog, returning emails in a more timely manner, spending extra time at the gym, and possibly getting to bed at a decent hour.;)

Here's a list I've put together of warning signs you may be addicted to Facebook (some I can identify with and others I know about from online examples - won't name any names):

You...

• create affectionate nicknames for it (see above FB).
• update your status more than twice a day.
• spend time on FB instead of spending it with your friends or family.
• have seen the South Park Facebook episode and think you have actually been "sucked in."
• RSVP "yes" to events even if you have no intention of going so it looks like you have a busy social calendar.
• change your profile picture more than a 12-year-old (guilty as charged).
• have cleaned up your wall so it looks like you spend less time online.
• have a few friends on FB you have never met in person.
• only check your email mostly to see if you have any FB updates.
• find yourself thinking of funny status updates and when to post them.
• take photos mostly  for the sake of posting and tagging them on FB.
• introduce the guys you're dating to your friends by showing them his page.
• have several ideas on how to add to this list.

Day 1 and I had time to go to my fav cupcake (it's a FB fast, not a sugar one) bakery, met a friend for a goal setting meeting, and even got some homework done. While I wasn't on FB I was online and it could be considered filling one addiction with another online past time. Possibly, but at least with a blog I have something to show for it and the satisfaction of knowing I didn't spend any time creepin' on my middle school ex-boyfriend's page.

Today I'm grateful for time, Lauren, and the 2010 FIFA World Cup!!

Happiness - a pursuit or project?

I just finished Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project and I couldn't be happier about it (not because it was bad, but because it was due back at the library). Her exploration of happiness really encouraged me to look at my own relationship with it.

The whole book is an attempt to discover what makes us happy. I appreciated her cultivating habits such as mindfulness and singing in the shower as ways to lighten the perceived significance of life. I felt she missed something very important in all of it - the juiciness of sadness. As Americans we have this obsession with wanting to be happy. I haven't noticed it in the mentality in other countries as much. It may have something to do with our fundamental constitution exemplifying the "pursuit of happiness," I'm not sure.

I say this because there's good stuff in pain and instead of resisting it I find it useful to get deep into our sadness. So much growth and learning comes from the things that make us unhappy. While I don't advocate staying in a dark slump, I also find it important not to try to "fix it" when it's broken right away. We want unhappiness to end quickly and cling to happiness. Happiness is a noble cause and desire and I certainly don't discount that we have more to give to others when we're happy. A compromise would be learning from happiness and our sadness to honor them both as valuable.

I acknowledge Gretchen Rubin for her quest and in the end realizing we decide our own happiness level (unless of course we have some sort of chemical imbalance, which then we can't really control). Here are some of my fav quotes on this subject that's as old as time:

• “Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you” - Nathaniel Hawthorne
• “It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” - Agnes Repplier
• "Some pursue happiness and others create it."
• "Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” - Albert Einstein
• “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” - Aristotle
• “It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” - Dale Carnegie

We have moments of happiness (can't remember who said that) and I can't help but want to cling to those s well. In her book she pointed to something I really liked about downtime moments. It was driving in the car or lying in bed when I could see where my mind drifted and how happy I was with the day.
Happiness is a mentality beyond an emotion or thought. It's a commitment to a way of being and relating that far exceeds a pursuit or project.

Today I'm grateful for the Happiness Project, emotions, and sadness.

Live, love, and learn

(Warning to readers this is a deeply personal post leaving the writer vulnerable and a tad fearful.)  I rarely write about my "love" life on my blog. For many reasons, mostly that romantic love seems such an old-fashioned, antiquated (I'm must be flustered already because I'm being redundant) thing to write about, or sing about for that matter. For me releasing energy about something through writing heals me...so here it goes...

It has been exactly a year since someone left my life whom I never wanted to leave. This past year I've done much less dating than usual because my heart just hasn’t fully been in meeting anyone else. A year later and I’m finally finding the lessons I needed to learn from this experience to fully move on.

Our "breakup" didn’t have a lot of closure and consisted of us crying and saying, "I love you," as he slowly made his way through the airport doors. Two and a half years for the Peace Corps and 15,000 miles away (we counted and then I cried) our goodbye left a lot to be desired. Shortly after dropping him off I was in a car accident. I was so distraught I had become an obvious road hazard. For weeks after he left I could hardly get out of bed. My time was spent smelling him on my sheets and listening to sad love songs. I wrote him every day for a month. I would daydream about him showing up ragged and tired from flying home all night and showing up at my doorstep to be together. It was heart break at its finest and even now it pangs me to remember the pain. But remembering the pain and working through it will release me from the energy clutch I’ve carried for an entire Earth's rotation around the sun.

He isn't perfect and neither am I, but together who he is and who I am worked. It wasn't that he had the checklist of things I've wanted, it was that around him I was me - the me I adore. He gave me a sense of security in a relationship that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I trusted him in every sense of the word. I didn't feel insecure or wonder if he would disappear without calling or suddenly lose interest. When I got in my head about our relationship and got fearful about the future, he would calmly remind me what truly mattered and that he wouldn't let me run away. When my commitment-phobe side would take over he would casually give me space knowing I would come back.

I wish for everyone the kind of love we experienced based on growth, understanding, and patience (more so in his case). For everyone to meet a someone like I had for a short time. A someone to kiss your entire body before saying "good morning." A someone who reaches for your hand when walking farther than a few steps out the door. A someone who washes your dishes not because you ask, but just because. Someone who calls it "making love" and means it. Someone who makes you feel like the brilliant, incredible person you truly are.

I don't hear from him anymore and my head makes that mean he has a girlfriend or doesn't care about me. In the end it doesn't matter. In my heart of hearts I don't believe we will be together again. I'm hopeful to see him and welcome him home with open arms empty of expectation. I gave up a lot of purely hopeless romantic ideas around the same time I gave up chick flicks. Dreaming of him coming home early to be with me is something I wouldn’t wish for now. I wish for him to experience whatever he left to find and know I’m here in whatever capacity he needs me to love and support him.

So much time has passed and I confess that some nights in those quiet moments before I fall asleep I still think I feel his arms around me and I want to whisper "good night." I no longer cry when this happens instead it gives me a chance to speak to him in the only way I have available. Presencing myself to our separation on a physical level may be far, but as spiritual beings we’re intimately connected.

We had perfect moments and I don't dare try to recreate them. Those perfect moments together I so desperately want to forget as a way of moving on, but forgetting isn't the answer. These memories serve me, reminding me not to settle for anything less than what we had and how I felt. The challenge for me means moving forward with the memories still intact.

Someday I will hear a love song and not think of him. Someday my past won't be in my present as a way of preventing me from sharing myself fully with someone else. That someday is now and I now know it. Most importantly I learned that this kind of relationship exists - whether it happens again in a month, a year, or a decade. I had perfect moments with an imperfect person that gave me the space to live, love, and learn. Now letting them go - never to be forgotten.

Today I'm grateful for memories, Cheeseman Park, and butterflies (the kind in the stomach).

Embracing the World

Yesterday I traveled outside my comfort zone (now meaning leaving "the city") for a blessing from the one and only hugging humanitarian known as Amma, or Sri Mata Amritanandamayi. After reading about her in several books and being told about her by several people, the time had come. 25 million people around the world have been blessed by her and I wanted to be one of them. I hopped on the BART with my friend Olivia and off to East Bay we went. Arriving at the San Ramon stop we exited and I quickly spotted the people waiting for the ashram shuttle - it's all in the pants.


A short ride later and we arrived at the temple quickly becoming crowded by followers and others to receive her dorshan. We recieved our token that would tell us when our turn was up and took a seat. At 10 a.m. Amma entered the temple and I shed an unexpected tear of joy. How wonderful to live in a world where someone such as Amma is celebrated and revered. By the second hour of waiting I was becoming impatient and once we finally got into the line it began moving quickly. Suddenly a group of 30 children came out of no where and got to cut in line. I felt annoyance and anger rear its ugly head in the sea of joy that surrounded me. Why do they get to go ahead just because they are children? They don't even have tokens? Do they even understand some of us have been here since 9 a.m.?

Then I began watching Amma embrace the children with love, joy, and peace. I had a choice, the same choice we have every moment - I could embrace this experience as it was, the same way as Amma, or I could resist. I chose to embrace and was in awe that even after three hours she gave every person the same amount of time and attention. This woman gives her life fully to love and wishes to relieve humanity of its suffering through a simple gesture. Behind her was a woman massaging her arms and a man providing her with water. Embracing the world one person at a time required help and Amma knew it.

It was my turn and quickly her helpers placed my head into Amma's bosom. The sounds of music and people talking seemed to disappear and all I could hear was Amma whispering to me over and over again, "My daughter, my daughter, my daughter." I smelled the oils from the woman massaging Amma's arms and the softness of her sari on my cheek. To call this a hug is an understatement, I have never in my life received a hug such as this. And then suddenly it was over and I was being moved to the side. I felt dizzy and disoriented then took a seated position on the floor to recover next to Olivia.

We wandered around the compound some more and got a ginger tea, I was still attempting to make sense of it all...using my head. What I am slowly coming to remember is what she awakened in me. By loving me and embracing me as if her own, I was able to see others the same. Those children who got to go ahead of me were Amma's daughters and sons as well - my siblings. As children of the world, they are also my children. Just like that, with a mother's touch I headed back to SF ready to embrace the world.

Today I'm grateful for Amma, Olivia for coming with me, and Christopher for reminding me about her visit.

Goober

It has recently been called to my attention that many people don't know what "goober" means, which I find odd since my taste in slang has never before been called into question. I have been using it as a term of endearment for quite some time. My original usage of the word began with an American TV show I used to watch in Germany called "U.S.A. High" where an attractive German man loved the candy Goobers. I too love the candy and cannot watch a movie in a theater without them. It quickly became a term of endearment signfiying my love for sweets and  attractive German men. I have found it useful to use in reference to pets, friends, and family alike.

Words cannot express my delight when I noticed other people use this word AND Urban Dictionary recognizes it and has several definitions. My favorite definitions of "goober" from Urban Dictionary are listed below (I bolded the best parts):
1) It means peanut, but we don't use it for talking about peanuts. When a person calls you a goober, take it as a compliment. A "goober" is generally a funny person. The person could be odd, weird, outstanding, popular, social. When called a goober, just laugh. Goober is higher than weird, it's nicer to be called. Goober could also be used sarcastically. Used sarcastically could be talking towards a serious, stuck-up, or sensitive person. If you want to tick someone off, be sure to call this in front of the person.
 
Yes, it may sounds silly and possibly childish to the untrained ear. It may even conjur up images of not so pleasant nose excrements. To me it expresses all the love and sincerity of someone who makes my heart smile.

You goober!

Today I'm grateful for vegan donuts, summer school, and my long run yesterday.

Anything and not everything

So often my mind gets overwhelmed with all the things I want to do and accomplish in this lifetime. How can I possibly have time to be a great yoga instructor, Feng Shui consultant, U.N. Ambassador, Happy News TV reporter, maybe a mom, a wife, and author? I truly believe I can achieve anything and I also realize I can't do everything - especially not all at once.

Accomplishment for me quickly becomes based in my mind wanting to prove something and never feeling good enough. It strives to be a "good on paper girl" who is Superwoman (I even drink out of a mug with her on it) and somehow always balance a career, social life, spiritual practices, giving back to the community, and staying in shape. I put so much pressure on myself to be and do all of this.

Except for freshman year in college where I cared about nothing besides drinking and eating donuts - this part of me ruled my life. I held several different positions in my sorority, was president of a club, on student council, played sports, got good grades, was a mentor for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and taught classes at the gym. All in attempts to some how prove I could do everything all at once and better than anyone else. In the end I hardly had enough time for myself let alone my friends, was stressed, had major stomach issues, and was all in all sometimes just plain miserable.

After college I continued the trend with having two jobs for quite some time (one government pr job during the day and then serving tables at night), being in Junior League, volunteering on a community board, planning community events, being a gym rat, take self-improvement classes weekly, competing in Miss Colorado, and even attempting to date more than three men at once.

When we do too much we don't do things well. Looking back on my life a lot of the things I have done came from wanting to do it all and in the end "it all" was unfulfilling. No more good on paper (or Internet as the case may be now), I'm all for a "good in life girl" - taking myself off the paper into life!

I don't have to be in the best shape of my life, get straight As in grad school, date 14 men at once, go out every night, teach yoga, work, meditate for hours everyday, volunteer, eat perfectly balance meals, and become a master chef. What I can do is focus on just a few things that bring me the most joy and pleasure and make those my priorities. Being a "good in life girl" means I know my limits and recognize when I'm doing something out of needing to prove something versus wanting to make a difference. Remembering often - I can do anything and not everything.

Today I'm grateful for Happiness Project book, library, and long plane rides.

Chicaguy/Guycago

Just got back from a lovely weekend in Chicaguy, or Guycago as Stef prefers to call it. I got to see my dad while he was at a Pediatric Dental Convention (she says in a somewhat mocking tone) and spend time with Stef who moved me out to my new home in Cali. Several highlights of the trip included tea in prostitute attire (shown above) and noticing a sign in the lobby for a Dum Dum Lollipop convention at the same time as the dental one.

Oddly enough I really missed Man Fran while I was away. So strange how different cities make you appreciate the one you have. Can't quite put my finger on what I missed so much...enjoyed great food, parks, good friends. It's the California mentality I am now identified with and the Midwest just won't do anymore. Upon my return I saw my creepy neighbor almost immediately. He casually mentions in passing that he "ruins lives." It was that moment I felt oh so at home in Man Franpsycho.

Today I'm grateful for the spider in my bathroom, online ordering, and my gym.