And, I'm off!

After much ado nothing (okay, that's not true several things), I finally decided to go on my trip - I couldn't be more excited. First off some quality time with a friend of mine in London, then off to Malaga in Spain and finally a pit stop in Markgroeningen, Germany. Pictured right is the Schauferlauf festival, I too once carried a bucket of water on my head and ran through a field of hay barefoot to win pieces of chocolate. Ah yes, the good ol' days! (I can say that now that I'm 26.) ;)

I don't get back until June 9, until then...Adios!

Today I'm grateful for my herbalist doctor, loving parents, and great coworkers.

Ugh with a side of yuck

I created this blog to remind me of who I really am, and that explains why I've been avoiding even coming to the site the past week...besides to post a picture of a moon and a cryptic message. To be point blank, I have had a rough past few weeks (think food poisoning, arguing with my mom, having complications from a surgery, ER visit, possibly canceling my trip, etc.) and it feels really good just to admit that. I haven't wanted to talk about it because I didn't really want to be present to what was going on or be a phony by writing about stuff I was thankful for (how cheesy is that anyway, seriously?).

I struggle with how to say what's really going on when it isn't so pleasant, I don't want to complain but also don't want to have a context with the people in my life that I'm hiding something. Talking about things that can be rather serious without making the situation wrong or being a victim requires a delicate balance, one I'm not sure I've balanced and have therefore opted to keep my trap shut.
But then I saw this flower (Attention! It gets far too deep for the Internet here!), a tulip nonetheless, my favorite! I have felt so alone the past few weeks because I have felt like I couldn't share what I was really thinking or feeling (thank you Lauren for showing me this). (Best part, the flower is leaning toward the group, not all pictured here, of tulips as though it wants to be there instead.) I have been pretending I feel fine and that things are fine. Then I got it, there is nothing wrong with my feelings or being upset about the situation, and I have been making it so.
So, having typed that...I'm feeling more like myself already, not quite so lonerish and private. Thank goodness!
Today I am grateful for Lauren, Mr. Crab for taking me to the ER, and the dark chocolate Toblerone bar I just demolished (I have emotional eating tendencies, I admit it).

Short, sweet and sappy...

Yesterday was my birthday and I'm still soaking it all in...it was marvelous and miserable all at the same time. It started with me falling down a flight of stairs and ended with one of the brightest moons I have ever seen. My day was representative of my life - full of ups and downs (literally!), but in the end absolute perfection.

Today I'm grateful for my cell phone, the Internet, and my first night getting home before midnight in five days.

Honest to blog!

Warning, this post serves no purpose other than to brag about what a freakin' fabulous life I have. I became very confronted by how great it is many times today; I feel almost slightly guilty (almost) about its practical perfection. (Apparently I'm all about adjective alliterations today...did it again!) It is a week before my birthday (in the words of a BFF, "Beck, you get one day, yes, one day. Not a week or a month") and the next several weeks are full of fantastic fun, and summer hasn't even started yet.

Example 1: I received a birthday gift today from a wonderful guy (eat that! I do get a week) I have a crush on!

Example 2: I leave for London and Amsterdam (insert giggle here) the last week of May, after a three-day weekend.

Example 3: I'm spending the night of my birth with 1000 people who have been through the Landmark Forum, including my family - talk about extraordinary!

Example 4: Sex and the City movie comes out in two weeks! (I'll be gone but I have such amazing friends I found someone to wait to see it until I get back!)

Example 5: My sister is home for an auditing trip through this whole week!

Today I'm grateful for The Little Mermaid, warm soup, and finishing my to do list.

Sailboat with no wind

Yup, that is I...a somewhat cute, somewhat entertaining, no wind in the sails, sailboat. It's time to acknowledge I have been drifting, and for quite some time I might add, without a captain (not that I need one!) ;) or direction of any sort. I'm relying heavily upon the motion of the ocean instead of my internal compass to guide me. Not only that but I'm moving at the pace of about 3 knots...okay, enough with the analogies. Really, let's just face that I'm living in my parents basement, staying at my job b/c it pays, and unable to commit to anything (or anyone for that matter) b/c I don't have a destination in mind. I feel like this is such a pivotal moment in my life without responsibilities or huge commitments and I'm staying in one place out of fear of making the wrong decision.

Then I realized it isn't really possible to make a "wrong" decision. I can only make a decision and then accept what I did and not make it wrong, or right. (How's that for an existentialism conversation and creating meaning??) :) I take action in that I apply for jobs or research fun things to do or adventures I'd like to have, but in the end it stops there. I'm prepared to start choosing where I am and finally making a decision about what I REALLY, REALLY want for myself. Am I committing to adventure? Ending hunger? Pursuing my Master's? Having a meaningful relationship? Don't know yet, but I'm only going to allow myself to drift, I mean think, about it for maybe another few weeks...until my birthday at least. =) I think the sun has finally set...All I know is that it's a big world out there and my drifting doesn't help the wind in anyone's sails.

Today I'm grateful for my great health care plan, my health, and my loving family.

The fountain of knowledge - for drinking

Today while I was drinking my morning tea I happen to pick up my UNC mug and realized that this weekend it will be four years since I graduated from college. Yes, FOUR YEARS. My, my how time flies, and things change. Seems like just yesterday I was doing tequila shots at the Armory the day before graduation...the entire day is still perfectly etched in my brain (notice I didn't say night). Woke up to beautiful 80 degree weather, put on my cap and gown, met my family and grandparents before the ceremony, received a really big award from the school for my involvement, and spent the day attending BBQs and taking pictures. (Okay, brag insert - the award I got, which I'm still really proud of, was give to only two people out of my graduating class of about 3,000 students.)

Back then if you would have asked me what my life would be like four years after graduation I would have told you I was in the Peace Corps, living in Cannes again, or splitting my time between Denver and London for my relationship with Hugh Grant (I'm still an idealist). While my life has turned out very differently from how I imagined, the post-college years have been some of the most educational of my life. People always say college is the best time of your life. But the best time for what? Yes, it's a great time to study abroad, drink heavily, and dance on tables. But a good time to challenge yourself and discover who you want to be? I think not, too many distractions.

That's what is so interesting (notice, I didn't say "fun") about life after college - no distractions. Suddenly you really have to face everything after being completely distracted for several years with no responsibilities. You have to face who you are, what you really want, and who you want to be. Life since college has certainly had some difficult times where I longed for the comfort of the sorority house and beer pong night - a broken heart, job searches, living in my parents basement...the list goes on. Then I have to give myself some credit for all the life-changing things that have happened over the years: I have a really great job that pays me well and gives me amazing opportunities, my own office, I lived alone for the first time, been in a few weddings, and even won money in Vegas! =) My college experience was everything I could have hoped for and more. I didn't think it was possible to top the carefree, fun college life, but somehow I did...and I can't wait to see what's next.

Today I'm grateful for the Office, red high heels, and my ability at being independent.

Season of love

The season of love has officially begun. It's that time of year again where my Saturday nights are spent performing my best champagne version of the "Chicken Dance" and "Electric Slide." Wedding season goes many ways for me...sometimes I'm grateful for my freedom and other times optimistic about catching the bouquet (although I have only done this once at my cousin's wedding a year ago and I was the only singleton anyway). This season I'm more clear than ones in the past. I have no shame in admitting that I'm in awe of marriage and those who take the trek down the aisle, but don't feel ready for it myself.

This weekend I attended a wedding on Friday, a bridal brunch on Saturday and an engagement party on Sunday for three different people. I couldn't help but be terrified and excited at the same time. According to the Tickle.com test I took my sophomore year of high school my wedding date is 2011 - far too soon for comfort. Truthfully I'm not so excited about the wedding, I could take it or leave it (besides the bachelorette party, strippers make me giggle). I'm excited about everything that comes with it. I'm not one for all the really mushy stuff, but there is something incredible appealing about the concept itself. How wonderful for someone to have enough faith in who I am and what I could be that he (at this point in time I only have one option) is willing to commit to loving me for infinity and beyond - mind boggling, really. In theory? Beautiful. In practice? Scary as hell. Either way I'm honored to be a part of the season of love...especially since it's for other people.

Today I'm grateful for a full tank of gas, new shoes, and purple pedicures.