Loving Bhakti Yoga

Bhakti Yoga is the form of yoga dedicated to creating loving devotion for the divine. Expressions of this type of yoga come from song, chanting, prayer, and for some, like Rumi, writing poetry. Listening to my Gift of Love CD with Deepak Chopra and others citing Rumi songs and I can't help but be turned on.  Below is one of my favorite Rumi poems. Like Rumi, we long for unity with the divine not having tasted it fully and wanting more:

Bittersweet
In my hallucination
I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love
Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of love
And only the sorrow

I yearn for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my love says:
Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns

This desire for romantic love on a physical level, made of hormones and pheromnes, becomes the telos of life and an illusion on the spiritual level. When my procreation urge becomes strong it’s also signal to turn to my bhakti yoga. Thinking of romantic love as chemicals in the brain isn't romantic, but it certainly makes  for a nice distraction when I don't meditate.;) When we are nourished by something larger than our desires we allow the divine to enter and give us exactly what we crave.

Today I'm grateful for Rumi, bhakti yoga, and Coleman Barks.

Mind the body

Last week I felt sick - mentally and physically. I had chest pain, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, dizziness, and overall malaise. After a trip to the emergency room and being told I had hyperventilation episodes, my body continued to tell me something was wrong. Turns out I had carbon monoxide poisoning for a week and assumed my illness was all in my head. What a relief things didn't get worse and I am still here to write about it. The dangers of living in old buildings - good with earthquakes, not so good with gas leaks...

My body screams at me when something is wrong and I have begun to despise its loudness. Then I realized it screams because I don't listen. Since I was a child I've had a "sensitive constitution," Ayurveda philosophy considers it vata energy and water element in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I don't like to be in my body, as Beethoven used to say of his illness, "That green monster, my dreadful health." (I'm writing a paper about him and was hoping to just now inspire myself to finish it.)

Many times I've exclaimed how I wish I didn't have a body, I avoid having to be in it by not eating a lot or ignoring it. In general pretending my existence is based in my head and soul. Our bodies can be a source of pleasure or pain, and sometimes both. Having a body allows us to enjoy life and at the same time reminds us of our humanity. Maybe that's why I get frustrated; sometimes I want to be more than human. However, to avoid the body is to avoid the existence of my life in this world. Suggestions on bringing myself back to Earth, from my acupuncturist (who's amazing by the way):

-eating foods rich in Earth element
-surrounding myself with symbols of Earth
-being in nature
-having a body-mind practice
-noticing sensations in my body
-conscious exercising
-eating consciously

So here I go again minding the body, and not just my mind.

Today I'm grateful for body, mind, and soul.

Here comes the sun

Winter solstice marks the longest night of the year and I wouldn't be a good hippie without paying homage to the star who lights up my life. Ahem, although it isn't just the solstice on Dec. 21, this auspicious time also includes a lunar eclipse full moon and Ursids meteor shower. How's that for a show of stars?

The lunar eclipse feature's our shadow (Earth) falling a cast over the moon. Moon, sun, and Earth come into alignment...A balance of sun and moon. Where the opposites that govern existence come into balance for moments of time and gives of the chance to reconnect with what ancestors upon ancestors marveled at before the TV lit up our lives.

With winter solstice nature tells us the light can be switched back on and we can come out of our caves and enjoy the next phase of the seasons. Some suggest Seasonal Affective Disorder has been around for a long time as the cold months were a type of depression associated with less food and fear that the sun may not return. Or maybe the universe made no mistakes in making several stars and planets particularly bright to remind us of what's yet to come if we keep patient. As joy follows sorrow...Shakespeare said in Macbeth, "Darkness has its uses." Agreed William, however, here comes the sun.

Today I'm grateful for sun, moon, and stars.

Creative-Type Designs

After years of designing t-shirts on the privacy of my own laptop, I'm ready to release my silly designs to computers everywhere. The creativity of our world, Earth, and other planets continues to inspire me! Behold my own shop at CafePress (a Premium shop I might add):

www.cafepress.com/CreativeTypeDesigns

Today I'm grateful for Darrin, creativity, and being home!

Love is a "synching" feeling

I get skin hungry a lot, and spooning usually does the trick. When I say this it isn't so much in a sexual way (although let's be honest that happens), as a way to express my desire for bonding with others physically. Finally a book that makes me feel not so freakish. Susan Kuchinskas' book "The Chemistry of Connection" talks about oxytocin and why we need it to be a healthy, loving individual.

I've stopped seeing oxytocin as this "devil" hormone that  makes me attached to men I don't want to be and instead using it as a way to bond with people I truly care about (only a few of them men). The hormone serves a major function in being a mammal and our emotional limbic system, a part of me I have learned to love more than I thought possible. When our limbic systems synch with others causing similar breath patterns and heart beats, we bond and this bonding releases endorphins.


Several ways suggested in the book to boost the hormone levels of oxytocin:
-Sing in a choir
-Pet a cat or dog
-Hug a friend
-Sing in a choir (syncs up limbic systems)
-Have sex (that was a no-brainer)
-Cuddle Therapy (my friend Travis Sigley started a great group in SF)
-Exercising

Babies need this hormone as a way to live so they can synch up with their parents, particularly mothers. Harnessing the power of this hormone makes loving easier, and as a mammal I always enjoy that "synching" feeling.

Today I'm grateful for library, working computer, and going home soon!

East Bay Church of Religious Science

I have an aversion to “churches” and much prefer places that call themselves “spiritual communities” to acknowledge all faiths as pointing towards one source of divinity. However, there are “churches” and then there’s East Bay Church of Religious Science. I have attended Science of Mind communities for several years and through them found my way back to religion and spiritual communities, if you can call Science of Mind that. I gave Mile Hi Church in Denver a chance before moving and it moved me in a way I had never felt before. There’s something about large groups of people singing in unison about peace and love that gets me every time. East Bay Church doesn’t just “get” me…it thrills me. So much soul in that congregation I get teary each time I attend a “celebration” there.

It’s in Oakland and I’m one of the few white people and I love it. The choir sings like a gospel about the truth of life itself, not just Jesus Christ (whom is only mentioned when discusses other avatars of our planet). Every now and then people yell out things about “thank you” and “I love you.” I LOVE THIS CHURCH, four words I never thought I would say since I was told my father was going to hell during my time at Christian camp (I cried for a week and when he came to visit made him cry with my pleas). And I mean every word. East Bay Church of Religious Science with Rev. Elouise Oliver doesn't have science or religion...just heart.

Today I'm grateful for EBCRS,  Science of Mind, and Ernest Holmes.

The Naked Granny Clause

So I am taking an improv class (#40 on my Life List) at EndGames Improv...and it's wonderful. I get cheered on by acting like an idiot.  I'm delighted to realize my desire to say inappropriate things and be awkward suits me well in certain instances, improv being one (and I still haven't discovered the other if it exists). The name of my new group is "The Naked Granny Clause." To explain that title would be like explaining why my neighbor tells me when he is gasy - it makes no sense and that's why it's so great. The fellow "players" are really nice and equally awkward and kind, needless to say I adore them.

Although it is months away, I'm already getting anxious about my final performance. Not so sure I really want to display my cursing and apple imitations for others to see...

Today I'm grateful for improv, Black Swan tonight, and umbrellas.

Eyes as windows into universal soul

(Warning to reader, I will be using a lot of exclamation points and interjections as this topic excites me a lot and I'm having a difficult time expressing it.)

A few weeks ago I presented for class about the evolution of eyes and it really inspired me to think more about this magic gift of sight. (I also love it when I can inspire myself!?) It’s unbelievable, really. The earliest fossil form of an eye was found 500,000,000 (I typed this out so you can fully appreciate how long ago that actually is) on a trilobite. It was more like a “light sensitive spot” that could see light and know where it is without seeing forms. The beauty of these early eyes was that they were made of mineral calcite (the most stable form of calcium carbonate). Another way of putting this might also be that the universe wanted so badly to see it was trying to see through rock.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it…incredible!!?? Our eyes have been the way they are now - aqueous eyes as they are called, being made up of 99% water - for 200,000 years. That’s a lot of change in (you do the math) number of years to go from rock to water eyes!!??

Why do we even have eyes? There are evolutionary advantages to survival and being able to see...If you really think about more philosophically - our eyes allow the universe to see itself. Through us it continues to see the maginificence of its creation. Brian Swimme points to the idea that as the universe is continually evolving, so are we…and therefore our eyes. I like to wonder what it would the future holds for sight? Maybe a full circle of darkness? Or sight through our third eye? Only time will tell and in the meantime allow us access into universal soul.

Today I'm grateful for school, research, and PowerPoints (and apparently being a nerd).

Bottled water

By far one of my worst not-good-for-the-environment habit is drinking bottle water. The water in SF has Chloramin...a combination of chlorine and ammonia that makes me feel yucky. So yes, I filter my water, but then have the temptation to buy when my favorite bottles get dirty. I want to do better and until we see ourselves as an identity and extension of Earth and entire cosmos we don't understand how it hurts us not to take care of it. Thank goodness Green Planet Beverages now makes me feel less guilty.

www.greenplanetbeverages.com

It's not just our name. It's our mission.

Green Planet wants to make a difference. We aren't interested in simply being another bottled water company. What we are interested in is being a bottled water company that helps create a better world for our kids. And their kids. And so on. Our bottles are made from plants, not petroleum. So they're good for the planet and the 6.8 billion people who call it home. Not only are they recyclable and commercially compostable, they don't have BPA or leach chemicals into the water.

Today I'm grateful for bottled water, filters, and water!!

Meet her, Skeeter!

I have a favorite yoga instructor, her name is Skeeter, which I find to be a lovely name. So lovely in fact I might just name my first born after her. Picture this...a tough British (gulp, or possible Irish, I'm not sure and am embaressed to ask) gal with lots of tattoos whom might intimidate me on the street (as is common for me when people have visible tattoos), when she opens her mouth pure yoga poetry escapes. The moment she tells me to "close my beautiful eyes" I'm entranced by her yogic spell where my breath and heart mind take over.

In case you want to hear/experience it for yourself she teaches Mondays and Wednesdays at Yoga Kula (my favorite Anusara style-based studio) on 16th and Mission from 7:45 until 9:15ish p.m. (not a.m. or you will miss the prostitutes on the corner). Below is her bio:

"Skeeter has been teaching for three lovely years. She has studied with Katchie Ananda, Noah Maze and has done trainings with John Friend, Desiree Rumbaugh and Jim Bernaert. Currently she is taking part in the Anusara Mentor program led by Abby Tucker. Skeeter very much enjoys the emotional evolution that comes from the practice of Anusara yoga. She honours the peaceful warrior nature that is uniquly revealed in each of us, through this journey called yoga. Skeeter's purpose is to create a safe space for all students to arrive on their mat, practice the beautiful art of unfoldment and connect to true authentic self. She welcomes you to your mat, however you find yourself there."

Today I'm grateful for Skeeter (duh!), Yoga Kula, and Alex for telling me about her class.

Facelook

Oh we've all done it, just admit you've been a total creeper on your ex-boyfriend's page and also know his new gf has smaller boobs than you (or in my case much larger). Thank goodness Facebook has now made it even easier to get more information about someone's online "friendship" via the "See Friendship" tool that shows up when someone posts on another's page. It's awful and awesome and very stalkerish showing their online interaction based on wall posts. As if somehow "seeing" people's friendship can give us enough information as to whether or not we should continue flirting with them online. If you also want to stalk yourself you can "see friendships" between you and another person thereby determining whom has done more of the talking.

Facebook seems to be embracing the creepy feeling it evokes and using it advantageously. Yes FB we have noticed how easy you make it for us to be even stranger than we already are online and I already looked at several "friendships" was curious about.

Today I'm grateful for not having Internet, soup on chilly days, and brunch with Rebecca.

Sharing is caring

Being in a community shows you (as all relationships do) where your yuckiness is. Lately I have realized how bad I am at sharing. They always tell you in elementary school and even younger to "share," I used to be a a lot better at it than I am now. Living alone I get so used to everything being mine. My bed, my fridge, my, my, my…At Esalen suddenly I had 30 roommates (still fewer than in the sorority house) and one room!? People were constantly laying on my sleeping bag and pillow, using some of my things, and even sharing my water bottle.

My initial reaction to large group sharing usually involves a squirm and akward face (nothing out of the ordinary) only usually no one notices. The other night at dinner with two of my favorite gals they suggested we share a few entrees. This time they caught my shiftiness. Let's face it, I don't like sharing...Especially when it comes to dessert. I like boundaries and knowing how much is mine and how much someone else’s. Where I begin and someone else ends. That isn’t life. The lines aren’t always clear cut, even with food and definitely not with dessert as is the case with ice cream.

So, I’m learning to be open to family-style dining and at the same time learning to share and be willing to let go of some of my clear cut boundaries. Not all of them…just the ones that involve food. (Although this doesn't apply to romantic relationships for me still.)  I wouldn’t consider myself selfish, but in a community like the one I have I don’t think of others as often as I could. Through them I see that sharing really is caring; I might even consider roommates again. That's crazy talk!

Today I'm grateful for Sam, Jamie, and my own apartment.

Juxtaposting

There is a new word Darrin generated to describe my somewhat creepy behavior when I post on someone's FB wall as I'm sitting next to them. Rather clever term and I wish I could take credit for it. It's Urban Dictionary worthy for certain, and I added it yesterday.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=juxtaposting

He can have credit for creating...I however am spreading it. Thought you all should know I'm a published author online somewhere other than my blog. I also might add for someone without Interweb access at home I certainly talk a lot about FB.

Today I'm grateful for FB, Interweb, and UD.

National Make Someone Uncomfortable Day

Apparently today is the 3rd Annual International Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day. As if I needed a reason! Below is the description:
It’s as simple as it sounds: the goal is to make someone, whether a stranger or a friend, feel uncomfortable (not angry / offended / disgusted). Invite all of your friends! Go on the Facebook page and post any ideas you have to make your friends feel uncomfortable, or anything you did! Have fun, and go get ‘em;)
JOIN THE MOVEMENT: As of this posting there were over 380,000 people taking part in this event, all over the country. Don’t be left behind!


Some ideas culled from FB postings:
-Go to a store dressing room, wait a while, then yell “There’s no toilet paper in here!”
-Begin unbelting belt, saying “I bet mine’s longer than yours” then show off how long your belt is.
-Propose to your teacher.
-Shake hands with someone and don’t let go for a long time, too long.
-While at restaurant, pull out a magnifying glass and tweezer and do an autopsy on your food.
-Take off your shoe and have an intense private conversation with it.
-When with a good female friend in public say “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!” really loud and walk away.
-Get in an elevator and tell everyone who gets on that you just bought new socks/underwear today.
-4 words: dick in a box


Needless to say I am feeling very comfortable about this day!

Today I'm grateful for awkward, uncomfortable, and comfortable.

Amazing Grace (Cathedral)

The Rebecca Revolution (consisting of my friend Rebecca and me) attended Grace Cathedral After Hours this weekend where we walked the indoor labyrinth listening to piano music. The cathedral is lit up with tons of candles and  float through the harmonious symmetry of angles and music making up the church. I walked the labrinyth without questions or intentions and got all the answers I needed.


The Christian (or Chartres) labyrinth has been used since 1201 at Chartes Cathedral (hence the name) as a means of prayer walk or walking meditation. The labryinth at Grace Cathedral is the same type. Labryinths represent a divine imprint of life as there is only one way in and one way out (metaphor for death?). I have walked on before, but this one was more powerful.  According to the Website there are three stages of the walk:
There are three stages of the walk:


Purgation (Releasing) ~ A releasing, a letting go of the details of your life. This is the act of shedding thoughts and distractions. A time to open the heart and quiet the mind.


Illumination (Receiving) ~ When you reach the center, stay there as long as you like. It is a place of meditation and prayer. Receive what is there for you to receive.


Union (Returning) ~ As you leave, following the same path out of the center as you came in, you enter the third stage, which is joining God, your Higher Power, or the healing forces at work in the world. Each time you walk the labyrinth you become more empowered to find and do the work you feel your soul reaching for.



This was my experience:
I gently removed my shoes to feel the hard, cold stone of the floor (from 1860) and began putting one foot in front of the other. Immediately I wanted to see what was next, where the path would lead so I would know what to expect. I made a point to touch every stone of the path and to take my time giving space to those in front of me. At each turn I lined my toes up behind the stone and took a moment to start anew. After each twist and turn we need to take the time to appreciate where we were and where we’re headed. That was the thing, I couldn’t tell who was in front or behind…All I could do was focus on my own path, and trust that following it would take me where I needed to go. The center or the 7-circle rose (it has six and the 7th is invisible, for the record), in perfect timing and divine synchronicity the bells began chiming when I entered the center circle. I stared at the ceiling and the candles, and the sacred images on the wall. Taking the time to appreciate how far I’d come and how far I still had to go. On my way back there more people in my path. I got distracted watching them and sometimes forgot what I was doing. I saw some familiar faces (like Rebecca) and sometimes she was gone, lost in the labyrinth. They were just as important as my path, because they were on it. Some of them didn’t even acknowledge me while others bowed their heads greeting me or smiling. I was aggravated by them being in my way…and then I rememebered they were the way. Showing me new things (like the man walking backwards or the woman gently weeping) to take with me on my way back.

After I completed my walk I sat down as the pianist began playing amazing grace. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the delicious darkness. The song ended and the Rebecca Revolution left with Amazing Grace (Cathedral) still ringing in our ears.

Today I'm grateful for Amazing Grace, Grace Cathedral, and Rebecca.

Facts and figures

This semester's Epic of the Universe class with Brian Swimme has got my mind reeling...Keeping in tune with my "universing" I wanted to encourage more conversing by showcasing some facts and figures everyone should know about us as a cosmic beings (or at least Brian and I think you should know):

Fact #1: Our sun is star (75% of Americans don't know this).

Fact #2: Universe as we know it is 13.7 billion years old.

Fact #3: There are 300 billion stars in Milky Way.

Fact #4: Moon is 384,000 km away (sorry, convert to miles on your own)

Fact #5: 380,000 years ago atoms came forth.

Fact #6: 400 million years ago, first stars.

Fact #7: 3.9 billion years ago first forms of life.

Fact #8: Milky Way is 100,000 light years away (in other words, traveling at the speed of light it would take you 100,000 years to get across it).

Fact #9: Holding one pinkie up to the sky and there are one million galaxies behind that tiny space of space!?

Fact #10: Light coming from the sun takes 8 minutes to reach Earth.

If the following information doesn't put  you in a state of awe, you aren't human...or don't have a brain (or a Brian)!

Today I'm grateful for Epic of the Universe, girls nights, and books and lots of them.

Universing

Enough about yoga, boys, and sometimes other nonsense. I'm needing to get really deep into the essential thing we as human animals have in common...to ask questions about our existence.

Yet, we have no way to truly speak to the Great Mystery of life. Our words lack an unfolding necessary to describe how we were created and continue to evolve. The difficulty gets more...er, difficult when we attempt to talk about "the universe." We use the article "the" to describe an object, particularly one outside of ourselves. If there's anything I've come to appreciate this semester it's seeing ourselves as a part of the universe...not separate from it. It's the difference between gazing at the fuzzy place of stars in the night sky and saying, "oh there's the Milky Way" and instead realizing it is us gazing at the horizon of ourselves as a vast galaxy.

In English there are eight parts of speech - noun, adverb, adjective, verb, adverb, conjunction, preposition, and interjection - in case you needed a review. Here's the kicker, over half of them are nouns; the largest percentage of any other language (or so my Cosmic Conversations book tells me so). Our language has no space for processing and evolving, the way previous cultures and other languages did and do. Without acknowledgement of consistent change we become attached to things/matter/objects. This shows up in many ways, among them the fact we ascribe God/Source/Sacred to things outside of us...rejecting our own divinity. Well, I'm stopping that thousand year habit by making an effort to stop using so many nouns (and stop saying "I" so much). ;)

Today I'm grateful for verbs, conversing, and universing.

Sweet on me

I didn't think I was naive until I moved to Man Fran. In Denver I never received offers for being an escort, doing porn, or having a Sugar Daddy (please ignore capitalization, unsure if this is a proper noun or not). Then again I also didn't have bus rides discussing healing crystals or the beach within three miles of my apartment. This place continues to challenge, confuse, and inspire me on a daily - sometimes hourly - basis.

A Sugar Daddy seems quintessential for a city girl in grad school; providing the ability to actually eat food besides Ramen (not that I do anyway) and be able to pay rent. Sounds like a good deal, a man who I spend time with without any commitment and showers me with gifts and money. I recieved such an offer several weeks ago and it has been weighing on my mind ever since - the way any sort of "offer" that may or may not include sex tends to do. With this one he made it clear sex was not an optional part of the agreement.

Hugh Hefner fits this bill (pun intended) exactly. Would I spend time (not that I do, but blogs can include hypothetical situations) with him if he didn't have money...probably not, unless he really is as charming and witty as he seems. =) I can't help but feel there's something desperately missing in these types of relationships - physical attraction? Acknowledgment of the oddity of the relationship? This whole experience made this very clear for me. The only kind of Sugar Daddy I want is one who feeds me cupcakes in bed...with or without the money.

Today I'm grateful for my new spoon necklace, Hayley's visit, and my prayer flags.

Raising the standards and rising in love

Here I go again - another fling/relationship/whatever ends and once again find myself in a familiar situation. Wondering why I let things go the way they did instead of standing up for what I really wanted and asking it for myself. I thought I had it and then I shut down, and then he shut down, and now we're both shut.

The sinking feeling of lonliness begins to creep in…then I get out angry girl music, go to the gym (a lot), write him an angry letter then delete it, cry, and remove his phone number from my phone in case a weak moment hits. Then I get out my trusty “He’s Just Not that Into You” book. (This is also where I confess I broke my sugar fast to eat some peanut butter bon bons.) Greg reminds me to stop wasting time on men who aren’t worthy of another second. All of this may sound like a self-empowering single silliness (wow, triple alliteration, nice Becky!), but it helps me remember what I deserve and so quickly forget with a good kisser who seems nice, enough.

Instead I find myself in a series of half-assed partial relationships (heaven forbid we talk about what we are) with young guys who don’t even want to plan ahead long enough to have an actual date. Enjoying the gray area of friendship so as not to have to be responsible for my feelings. I welcomed this last gray area in for my own safety and realized that the gray actually hurts us both and encourages games and ridiculousness.
And yet the pattern is deeper than that. It's also about not trying to make something into something it isn’t. So many times I have felt major warning flags and still continued thinking that knowing I don't want to be with them longterm will somehow protect me from getting hurt. Not so loved one, the more we come to know someone we can't help but build some sort of attachment. Once the attachment begins emotions run wild. Games and insecurity have no place in true compatibility and feel like they replace something when it isn’t there…as does physical chemistry.

So what did I learn from this past "relationship?" I am evo"loving"...we didn't rush into things like I have in the past. We really built something before becoming intimate and that could be why this one hurts more than the last. Somewhere with him I wasn't my best self and that becomes the best reason not to continue something. I also repeated patterns such as not leaving him alone when he was pulling away and instead forced communication. Yup, still got a ways to go, but I'm much closer than I was before.

In the meantime there will probably be more frogs…or maybe a partial toad like the last one. Although if the really good ones came along all the time we wouldn’t be able to spot them as easily. I’m going to rise in love (and not just fall) and in the meantime with a few more weeks left of Venus Retrograde set some super helpful standards I will not forsake no matter how hot (or a good kisser) he is:

• I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. (you like me, come and get me)
• I will not date a man who continuously calls me his “friend.” (we are not friends, we are more than friends…deal with it.)
• I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone (e.g. calls when he says he will).
• I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. (we aren’t “kinda hanging out” or “sorta dating” buddy - it doesn't always take money to go on a date)
• I will not date with a man who enjoys the “murky." (I live in SF and don’t need more fog.)
• I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. (enough said)
• I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. (I am not AA or rehab)
• I will not date a man who tells me he calls me when he’s lonely. (get yourself together and then come find me)
• I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future. (If there isn't one, let's talk about that instead!!)
• I will not date a man who is married or in a monogamous relationship. (enough said, been there done that, bleh.)
• I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, and loving person. (Why didn’t I think of this before!!)

Today I'm grateful for love, Greg Behrendt, and "He's Just Not That Into You."

A as in awkward

After leaving yoga class the other night I happened upon what might possibly be the most awkward moment of all time (or at least top 10). Mission and 16th St never ceases to amaze and sometimes frighten me; this time it was almost certainly both. Wait for it...I watched a prostitute get into the wrong car. A larger woman in stilettos got into a car and within moments stumbled out saying, "(insert F-bomb expletive here), wrong car." Then proceeds to walk a half block to an identical car with a creepy man sitting in it.

Several questions that have come up surrounding this event, and I of course have the answers:
1) Are you sure she was a hooker?
Yes, I have spent just enough time in the TL to spot a crack whore. They wear similar clothing and don't usually make eye contact - and, they tend to stumble a lot.

2) Maybe it was a change of heart?
No, she got into another car...I must have forgotten to mention this.

3) Am I evil for laughing?
Not at all. I gasped in horror and then giggled.

4) Why were you at yoga late enough to see the prostitutes come out?
My favorite class gets out at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesdays and then I had to go get a mango lassi at a nearby Pakistani restaurant.

These questions and this occurence brought up a strong opinion I had that I didn't realize I had (if that makes any sense). Prostitution should be legal. There, I said it. It seems so ridiculous for these women to risk so much and not have any legal protection. I know someone who is a prostitute and she tells me stories that make me cry and not just gasp in horror. Everyday (or maybe even several times a day) they get beat up or forced into acts they didn't agree to, or not paid, or worst case scenario murdered. These poor women (and sometimes men) can't turn to the police for help as they are considered illegal.

I think SF should have a legal red light district with police officers on hand just like in Amsterdam. Hookers (not sure if that is PC or not) deserve rights and protection under the law. Although even with such laws I'm not sure it would cut back on the magic of that awkward moment I got to witness...

Today I'm grateful for free yoga classes, depositing money at the bank, and dinner with some of my favorite gals!

Sugar free for me!

Anyone who knows anything about me knows I love sugar...Not sure if it’s a product of having two parents in the dental field and rebelling against that (my Sun opposite Uranus feels this one) or my Taurus and Moon/Venus conjunction that includes craving sweet and the pleasures of life. It could be any number of things really, plain and simple I love sugar. All kinds of it, I have no prejudice against any kind of it…refined, unrefined, super refined...You name it, I love it. I don't just have a sweet tooth, but a sweet body and possibly even subtle body!

So why do a fast of something I love so much? It’s not so much that my body feels bad eating it…more so it scares me how much it consumes me when I crave it. I am more than cravings and now is my chance to prove it. I ate as many of my favorite sugar cravings yesterday as possible in preparation and also loaded up on protein in my fridge to combat energy slumps. For 21 days, which also coincides with my half birthday (which I have come to make as a significant day) oddly enough I will be sugar-free. (But also in time to enjoy pumpkin pie!!) I’m ready to take this on as a spiritual practice and also nervous about facing something that has become such a part of me. Will have to get my serotonin kicks from elsewhere…I’m thinking making out, caffeine, or even massive amounts of ecstasy (just joking Mom), and cuddling are good options; however, I’m also open to suggestions. These next few weeks will undoubtedly be a challenge. (insert sweet pun here). Yes, I’m ready for the new me…sugar free!

Today I'm grateful for Jamie, Rebecca, and carrot soup.

Esalen

Next week I attend my first notorious PCC retreat at Esalen. I have no idea what to expect having heard a lot about epic naked hot tubs, lots of meandering, talks, and drugs. Seems like anything is possible...certainly something I am ready for.

Esalen Institute really started with the Beatnik movement with Jack Kerouac and Henry Miller during 1950s.  In the 1960s Joseph Campbell, Ansel Adams, Joni Mitchell, Grateful Dead, Ringo Star, and even Bruce Springsteen hung out there. Now it hosts such visionaries as the Philosophy, Cosmology, and Consciousness studies of CIIS. I'm looking forward to bonding with my new family over clothing optional hot tubs.

Today I'm grateful for hot tubs, coffee, and hormones.

Babies

I have a personal ritual that involves a documentary and eating cake every Sunday around 8 p.m. Sometimes later or early depending upon how I feel, but it happens...not matter what. It's important to me to have a personal ritual to reconnect with time alone and do things I love. This past week I watched the documentary "Babies" about four, you guessed it, babies from around the world. It follows them from their birth through the first year of life with very few words or dialogue. I loved it, and for a moment I almost wanted to have a baby in Africa so it could learn to crawl through the grasslands. My favorite scene was the baby in Mongolia taking a bath and a goat coming over and drinking the water from the small tub.

Goes to show no matter where we grow up or live, love is a part of the universal human experience...and believe it or not, so is birth.

Today I'm grateful for cake, documentaries, and Jorge.

Commited

Today is my one year anniversary since I really commited to myself - it has taken me that long to even begin to understand what it means. I bought a ring a year ago to symbolize the never ending relationship to myself. My commitment has become about honoring my truth. I'm in many relationships romantic, familial, friendship and of all these the most important one is the one with myself. I have cultivated it over the past year. Continuing to learn more and more about what I love, what nourishes me and what doesn’t. The type of relationships that complement my commitment and those that don’t. Honoring my truth, what feeds me and following my seductions. Creating personal rituals that connect me to me (most of my friends are aware of my documentary and cake night on Sundays). I focus on spending time with what I love and whom I love(including me). Most of all knowing what I'm commited to first and foremost...me.

Today I'm grateful for my family visiting!, my ring, and Thai tea from the cafe with lots of caffeine.

Loud and clear

So apparently from now until Nov. 20 when Venus Retrograde ends I seem to be very much at its whim. There are many explanations for this, and none that make sense to me on a rational level. Alas, this time is about letting go of past loves and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a certain someone out of my head. I've written about it and then a poem came to me with such clarity I knew this was a part of my healing and releasing:

Your silence speaks volumes,

In none of those volumes do I hear,
"I love you" or "I miss you."
I said it first so I can't say it last.
I have questions,
Do you love me?
Do you miss me?
I dare not answer for you, as I dare not ask.

I never asked you to stay and even helped you go,
because I knew- our journey had to end,
so I could resume mine.

So I sit in fear, and hope, and love.
Into the silence I say nothing and ask nothing.
And wait for your reply.

Your silence speaks volumes and suddenly I hear, loud and clear..
"Let me go."

Succumb to seduction

Surrendering as a spiritual process means allowing whatever will be, will be and releasing an attachment. Lately I've noticed a type of surrender I hadn't noticed before...the surrendering of seduction. To follow what tempts or entices me through my senses. Forgetting what I should be following or doing and knowing whatever I love in this moment is exactly what I need to be drawn to. It's as if my future self pulls me forward with its art of seduction. Going down the rabbit hole by means of an attractive man, a delicious sweet treat, or other bodily pleasure can somehow open up secrets of what I love and don't yet know. I have a tendency to be in my head about (go figure, I'm studying philosophy) most things. I attempt to make decisions about everything from the type of men I should date to what color my yoga mat should be using a rationalization process. The time has come to succumb to seduction (insert kind of sleazy joke about "coming" here)...and to think I was unaware of Venus Retrograde's impact on me...;)

Today I'm grateful for slumber parties, new Website coming soon!, and pottery time!

Unveiling Venus

I have a thing for documentaries and by "a thing" I mean that I watch them compulsively. Some of my favorites are actually former PBS specials turned film as the case with a NOVA doc I just got from the library about Venus. In honor of the Venus Retrograde beginning tomorrow and the mere fact my moon is conjunct Venus (don't know what that means? neither did I up until a few months ago)  and my sun is in Taurus (ruled by Venus) I feel compelled to share about this intriguing planetary neighbor and muse. I am after all a somewhat perfect example of how the archetype affects us here on Earth with my sugar craving and love for beautifying my environment.

Venus can be seen on clear nights as the second brightest thing in the sky, after the moon, because of its highly reflective clouds. Earth's "sister planet" has 80% covering of volcanic plains. Because the planet is easily visible it has been entrenched in human culture since prehistoric times (okay, so then it wasn't a human culture at that time, but homo erectus...whatever). As fascinated as I am by the history of the planet and similarities to my own home on Earth...the archtypal meaning intrigues me the most.

It's a symbol of the feminine and associated with the element copper in alchemy. When I look at how this beautiful planet shows up in my life it reveals my relational self. I remember what it means to love and treasure the pleasures of life. Venus, like love, is full of eruptions and strange boundaries (cloudlike if you will). To celebrate this Retrograde of Venus that occurs on Venus Day (vendredi in French, in English commonly known as Friday) I plan to be as Venusian as possible - and am still discovering what that means. In the end only through unveiling Venus can we truly see ourselves and what we love.

Today I'm grateful for Internet, pedicures, and Muir Woods.

Truth sets you free

Lately there has been a theme in my life about people's secrets being busted. We all have them...like the time lied to my parents about going somewhere and then ran into one of their friends. That's the strange things about secrets - most of the time, people find out. A friend of mine has kept a secret from her husband and he recently found out. The universe supports us in the lessons we need most to learn and I truly believe this was someething that happened for her as a way of setting her free from the energy of lying that happens with a secret.

I too, have secrets. Some only a few people know and some a lot of people know, and some just I know. Secrets eat away at your soul and I'm learning to appreciate more and more everyday how straight honesty and communication saves everyone from heartbreak. I can't imagine anything now so important I couldn't eventually tell people about or something so awful I couldn't tell anyone. As much as I hate adages (that's a lie, I love them)...the truth does set you free and those around you.

Today I'm grateful for Muir Woods, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, and work.

Back at the wheel!

The potter's wheel that is! After a year since falling in love with the feeling of wet clay between my fingers I now have some studio time that is all mine! I'm really excited to get my hands dirty in shaping new creations. So rarely do people find forms of art that speak to them so perfectly and my Skeletor hands are good for playing the piano and apparently also throwing pottery on a wheel. Who knew? Well, I do now!

Today I'm grateful for my job, crushes, and the truth.

Weird weekends

I know a quintessential SF weekend this past weekend.The type of weekend that can only happen in an adult playground like Man Fran. Friday I went to a talk about philosophy, not so odd besides the fact that I'm a huge nerd. Saturday was where it went from strange to bizarre. The day began with a simple brunch with my friend Victor and continued with an outdoor Flashdance Party (www.flashdance.org) and then a cuddle puddle. A cuddle puddle that was actually a birthday party in an area above a yoga studio with massage tables, live music, a tepee, and rope swing. At 4 a.m. I wandered home with a friend from a writing class and stayed up til 5 wondering if this sort of thing happens anywhere besides SF or Burning Man.

Today I wandered over to Folsom Street Fair and only lasted 20 minutes before becoming so overwhelmed I had to leave and go to the Zen Garden at school. All the porn, leather, and whips were too much. Mostly because between Burning Man and Folsom Street Fair I have seen enough male genitalia to last me a lifetime (possibly two). And quite honestly, S&M really isn't my thing...go figure, I would rather be in a cuddle puddle.

Today I'm grateful for cuddling, making out, and  Zen Gardens.

"Fall"ing on a full moon

Today's Autumnal Equinox also happens to "fall" on a full moon...auspicious indeed and ready for all sorts of bad puns on my part! This equinox leads us into the darkness of fall. It's a time of harvest, reaping our rewards and recognizing the inward change manifesting in the changing of the season and trees (not that that actually happens a lot in SF). Reap the past seeds and also sow for the future. A time for letting go of shedding skin and the old things that no longer serve us. Yesterday when I was teaching yoga I couldn't help but continue with the dorky changing references by doing butterfly pose, focusing on cobra pose, and of course the autumn classic - tree pose.

Today I'm grateful for fall, yoga, and cute boys who work in the cafe at school.

Bhangra

If I haven't told you how much I like Bhangra then I probably don't like you. Because I like it a lot, so much in fact my fav thing in SF (besides Cups and Cakes Bakery) is Non-stop Bhangra at the Rickshaw Stop. There's something about the way Bhangra feels when jumping around for joy, a true dance of celebration and I can't help but grin like an idiot. Every third Saturday for $15 at the door (a very small price to pay for the joy that ensues), you can enjoy a dance lesson and get sweaty with a bunch of strangers bouncing around to bhangra. With each foot farther into the dance floor the temperature rises at least 10 degrees and the sweat drips more and more steadily. It's exhausting (I don't dare sit down and feel my legs burn), smelly, and loud. None of this bothers me...because I would rather dance with a bunch of sweaty strangers to bhangra music than just about anything else in the world.

Today I'm grateful for bhangra, courage, and sun saluations.

After the Storm

There are some songs that the first time you hear them you can't help but be moved to tears...I have three of those and this is one of them "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons:

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.


And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.


And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.


And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.


And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Today I'm grateful for SoundCloud, road trips, and Intro to PCC class.

Alone in the dark

That’s exactly how I spent my Wednesday night at Opaque: Dining in the Dark (a restaurant in pitch black with blind servers for those of you who haven't heard). It was supposed to be a celebration dinner with a friend of mine for surviving Burning Man. She wasn’t able to make it I went all by my lonesome. I was nervous to go, not knowing what to expect or if I really had the gusto to get gussied up for a nice meal without anyone to go with. I sat there alone, in the dark and realized no one knew I was alone, or even was there at all.

I felt oddly exposed even in the darkness (I think mostly because I decided to eat topless halfway through my meal). I also put the rose petals from the table on top of my head and chewed with my mouth open and picked my nose…just because I could. Hard to believe such darkness that even with my eyes open it was just as black as if they were shut. I couldn’t participate in the “normal” eating alone activities such as reading or fiddling on my phone. Instead, I happily munched away at my l’amuse bouche (that word still conjures up images of the late nineties band La Bouche) and a free glass of champagne (I think the server took pity on me) and listened. There was a large party of retirees to my left and a couple to my right. It could have been a depressing meal and instead I meditated on every bite and every sound. I sensed when someone walked past and even before my server spoke up to announce my next course I knew he was there. The food was better than I expected and my mouth is still watering from the sweet curry sauce on my salmon.  The server bumped into my table several times before dessert and even came and sat with me for a bit. He was only one who knew I was there at all.

When I finished my last amazing bite of bittersweet chocolate cake with mint I sat quietly before being lead out of the dark and into the light. It was a metaphor for life (as everything in life is and my Joseph Campbell class reminded me). I was willing to go into the darkness and my own shadow…alone. No one even knew I was there unless I decided to let it be known. Sitting alone in the dark I still felt full of light. My reward for going into the depths - a delicious piece of chocolate cake!?

Today I'm grateful for money, light, and darkness.

PBMS

Similar to PMS, PBMS affects the Burning Man with equal propensity. I experienced PFS (post festival syndrome) after the film festivals...it's the feeling of a build up for an important even that culminates and then leaves you feeling lonely and life as anti-climatic. It has been sucking at my vitality for an entire week since I have been back from Burning Man. Reminding me yet again the nature of our minds to be excited about something and then feel so let down once it ends...a relationship, a wedding, a vacation, a job, etc.

I'll show you PBMS, I will not only still be excited about my life back in normalcy...I will also begin planning for next year's Burning Man.;)

Today I'm grateful for Mercury Cafe, last minute plans, and lots o' sunshine!

A"muse"d

My mum has this fun habit of buying me books and other things she thinks I will like. She was spot on with this book...the author is even a conjunct professor at my school!? It talked about the value of remembering the muses of ancient Greece and using them as inspiration for our creativity. I was so a"muse"d I even decoupaged (a lost art in my opinion) my bulletin board frame with themes from each of the muses. This post serves no other purpose other than to reinforce how much my parents know me and that I am in the right place at CIIS! A wonderful feeling to be known and to know!

Today I'm grateful for Body Balance, free Internet, and Bus 14.

Playing on the Playa )'(

After six days as a cavewoman (complete with dreads and dusty skin to match), I’m back in the real world with a new appreciation for the fantastic ride called Burning Man. Man, first name Burning, welcomed me with 90 degree weather that progressively became 100 and dusty by week’s end.  So many words can describe my experience of awe at Burning Man (BM for short)…awesome, awful, awakening, and even awkward. I had a dance party on a yellow submarine, made out with more boys than I can count, went on a five story high teeter totter topless, applied for a soulmate, and worked at a kissing booth. There were Mutant Vehicles of all shapes and sizes, people with clothes on and clothes off, magical camps full of creativity and interactive art that allowed me to become what I admire. My most memorable moment was with a group of my campmates staring up at the night sky admiring the thousands of visible stars and the rising of the moon.


With no clocks I learned to stare at my shadow and where the moon was in the sky. Without the Internet I relied upon others for information. Without a phone I was in constant communication via notes or going back to camp. Without a bus or car I rode my bike across the dust. Within days at Burning Man I became a primal being again forgetting the madness that awaits just hours away in the nearest large city of Reno.At the end of the week I emerged as myself (with a bit of Coordinatrix and Cavewoman on the side).

Burning Man symbolizes the transient, and in my case instinctual fleeting, nature of life. As divine beings we recognize also our deep connection to the rhythms of life and ourselves we forget easily in the chaos of modern life. I got all of these reminders and more just by taking a week to play on the playa.;)

Today I'm grateful for Cosmicopia, Paul, and Burning Man.

Burning up

By the time this post shows up I will be at Burning Man. I have an idea of what expect, realizing it will most likely be far different from anything in my wildest imagination. It has been on my life list (see link to the left) for quite some time and I'm thrilled it's coming to fruition with such a beautiful group of people. For many moons, (sounds like something would say at Burning Man) we have been planning for this week. For many suns, I have been actively organizing as the camp "Coordinatrix" (Trixie for short). The time has come to embark on a mind bending, body-altering experience like none other. I'm certain my life will never be the same after this week, for better or for worse. I have never before packed for a trip with a dusk mask, baby wipes, and fake fur coat. This week will be awful and awesome and I'm ready for it all! Come find me if you're there - Camp Cosmicopia at 7:15 D!

Today I'm grateful for dusk mask, baby wipes, and fake fur coat.

Gettin' jiggy

On a particularly chilly summer night this week, I got home from a fun night out only to realize I wasn’t tired, my apartment was clean, and my homework done. I had the most incredible (if I do say so myself) idea to do the jigsaw puzzle that has been sitting in my closet for years. Within minutes I felt like I was 12 again doing puzzles on the coffee table with my sister and dad.

I began by finding all the edges so I could create the boundaries before filling in the inside. Looking over the vast amounts of pieces I started to wish I had never opened it the box. The big picture completely overwhelmed me. Then my Joseph Campbell class kicked in and the symbolism of the jigsaw puzzle became ever so evident as I took it one piece at a time. With each piece I looked for its correct place and found it most often by not thinking about it or by changing my perspective of where I thought it should be. Sometimes I got caught up in one piece and couldn't move on until I found its place. It was learning to be with the incompletion that moved me forward. The puzzle still isn't finished and I'm not sure when the time will show up again. Doesn't matter, every now and then sitting down to get jiggy will be just enough.

Today I'm grateful for puzzles, books, and Walgreens.

Wrinkle in time

Last week I took a photo and became shocked and dismayed at the the wrinkles I saw. Who was this woman before me with time lines around her eyes? I haven't know so much vanity until that moment...I immediately began scouring the Internet and my magazines for ads to help with my new "situation." Then blaming spending too much time in dry Colorado and how I should have moved before I began premature aging. Feverishly wondering how being two years away from 30 I could age so quickly.

Alas, after my few days of vanity I came back to reality (and SF) to remember it doesn't matter. I'm young and will always be young under the surface. Wrinkles or no wrinkles I'm still me. Remembering my whole life only a wrinkle in time anway - who really cares if it ends up on my face too.

Today I'm grateful for wrinkles, creams, and humidity.

Scaredy cat

For as long as I can remember I've been afraid, and unsure of exactly what. I've been told to lock my doors and always look behind me when walking alone. As if humans (especially men, which a certain guy I dated pointed out many times) were dangerous and to be feared. I had an eye-opening experience last week of putting up my guard with a woman who hugged me and told me how she looked ghetto on the outside and dressed like me on the inside. (And yes, this sort of odd thing happen on a daily basis in SF.) Those words blew my mind and made me so aware of my fear of others.

I heard somewhere,  "Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learned here." Love my parents so dearly, but I do think some of my paranoia is from them. There's always a "be careful" or "watch out" following most of our conversations. A normal parental interaction, yes...I also see how it has shaped my world. We often mock one of my cats who runs from everyone and everything - except me. I'm actually somewhat afraid of him!? He pushes me to see my fear (consciously or unconsciously I can't know) and represents the part of me who is scared of anything new and just about anyone I don't know.

For several years I've struggled with an immune disorder that hasn't been diagnosed very sufficiently. Needless to say I get parasites, viruses, and the like very frequently. It's suddenly making sense. Immunity is about keeping people out. This society thrives on fear and I'm done with living that way. Like all emotions fear has a purpose, but not in loving. I can't love this world and the people in it if I'm afraid. This world is a safe place being a woman or a man and I'm tired of believing otherwise. I can lock my door and still spare a smile, and sometimes change, for a stranger.

Today I'm grateful for Boo, Dr. Dean, and Lauren K.

Eat, Pray, Party

At the moment it appears Eat, Pray, Party would be a more appropriate name for my own novel. After seeing the movie this weekend I remembered how much the book spoke to me, and in particular the "love" part. Ever since reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat, Pray, Love" I can confess to being somewhat of a wannabe. Really though, did anyone really know what an ashram was before reading her book? I think not. Ms. Gilbert's book had more impact on my life than I care to acknowledge. If it weren't for her I wouldn't have quit my lovely government job for a year (and now longer) to experience the thrill of the unknown including living at a now infamous ashram.

Similar to Gilbert it was a romantic love gone awry that somewhat pushed me over the edge (silly boys). At the time I left for Yogaville I was getting over a break up with my best friend of 12 years and found out my boyfriend of nine months was married. (insert sign of disgust here) After the ashram I headed to China which wasn't quite like Bali, but part of Asia nonetheless. I didn't fall in love there (although I did at the ashram), and instead spent time experiencing love with my family in a foreign country.

At the end of my time away I didn't end up with a Brazilian from Bali, but like Gilbert I found peace in myself. Gilbert's time in Italy reminded me of my own urge for pleasing my tastebuds that so often gets ignored (before I moved to SF of course). Living at an ashram I identified with the part longing for connection with the divine. As for love, that's everywhere. Let's face it "Eat, Pray, Love" dives into our innate desires for pleasure, spirituality, and romantic love. After a year away from my former life I now realize I didn't need to go so far to find them. My life includes all of these aspects....San Francisco itself incapsulates pleasure in the form of food, spirituality in its myriad forms of people, and love in the form of well...love. How wonderful to actually  live the life I imagined instead of just reading about it.

Today I'm grateful for movies with Hayley, cream of asparagus soup, and airplanes.

Love square

For quite some time there has existed a love square (not just a love triangle because it involves four) in the house. It starts with my dad (when he is gone get all the attention), whom my dog is obsessed with. My cat Riley adores my dog Taz and follows him around. Then the fiesty old man cat Boo follows Riley. Everywhere my father goes there follows Taz, Riley, and Boo. It's hard to tell if what they feel for each other is romantic or just a loving attachment of some sort. (In this case if it is romantic I should be an even stronger ally against Prop 8 since they are all male.)

The most obvious affectionate "crush" belongs to my cat Riley and Taz. Riley rubs up against him and sticks his tail in his face, meows at him, and even lies down next to him. It makes me giggle out of sympathy and pity for poor Riley whose love can never be. I also see the larger picture of what I have to learn from my tabby's love for my mutt. Riley loves Taz regardless of what Taz does. Riley loves just to love and asks nothing in return. His affections don't cease just because Taz hasn't returned him any attention, they still continue. I only wish I could love as Riley does - extending my care without begging anything in return. Riley reminds me of the pure essence of unconditional love, and I love it.

Today I'm grateful for floppy dog ears, sleeping in, and Mountain Mama's.

How to be Alone

Love this poem and video "How to be Alone" Such a lovely reminder that sometimes our most memorable moments don't happen with anyone else. Without TV, Internet, or roommates I'm faced with myself a lot. Since I seem to use quotes for affirmation please see below:

-"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." -Oscar Wilde
-"All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone." - Jean de la Bruyere
-"If you are alone you belong entirely to yourself. If you are accompanied by even one companion you belong only half to yourself, or even less, in proportion to the thoughtlessness of his conduct; and if you have more than one companion you will fall more deeply into the same plight." - Leonardo da Vinci

Today I'm grateful for cable, Internet, and pets.

10-year reunion union

I don't know how this is even possible, but this weekend was my 10-year high school reunion. Preparation included watching "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" to plan for the worst and relive some of my favorite quotes. I planned the union with the Student Council VP (I was Secretary of Social aka the dance planner) and thank goodness we aren't doing any sort of voting on the most successful graduate!?

Looking at the word "reunion" it is about uniting again, and that's what we did. I went to reconnect with people from my past and remember how much they gave to the person I am now...whether they know it or not. Realizing it isn't about proving anything, I still had moments of feeling insecure. I'm the same girl I was in high school with a different wardrobe, better haircut (actually that may be a lie as I think I may have the same one), and more wisdom. I also however, don't have a hot husband or even a boy toy to show off. What I do have is my personality which won me "Most Friendly" and some great friends from the past along the way.

Today I'm grateful for Meadow Muffins, reunions, and confidence.

Om sweet hOMe

I'm sitting in my parents' house with the dog and cats nearby and wondering for how long I can call this place home. I haven't lived here for quite some time and I have my own apartment...even crazier, my sister just bought her own house!!? "No place like home" and "home is where the heart is" are popular idoms and yet hold such deep truths. On a literal level, ther is no place like home because no two places are alike...the heart is physically where you are, such as at home. My heart is at this home and my heart also belongs to Man Francisco (no more "psycho," don't want to context of crazies anymore!);).
Yesterday I wandered my neighborhood in Denver with nastalgia. I really found myself in my Shambhala retreat on Pearl Street. I was sad and happy to see things change...the gelato place I knew wouldn't make it, indeed didn't make it. Different cupcake flavors at City O City, but the same Bhakti Chai. The beautiful courthouse building nearby was torn down, but he library across the street remains intact.
My Denver studio will always feel like home (evidenced also by the fact that my door code still works - like any good creeper I had to test it out); I fell in love there, found myself there, and created my future direction. It has been two years since I quit my "should" job and since that moment my life hasn't been the same. That apartment saved me and so did Denver; out of the parent's basement (again) and on with life. I think it's so important to celebrate and witness such milestones. It reminds us of how far we've come - in my case 229.4 miles (but who's counting).
My parents' house was the first place I've lived when we came to Colorado from Germany during my teenage angst years. I didn't know anyone and spent most of my time with my neighbors playing outside and hiking in the foothills across the street. After college when I came back to Colorado Springs I also stayed at this house and again during my quarter-life crisis.
That's what home does - it gives us a place for the familiar with lots of room to grow. Home (and om) is where the heart is...and it can have many locations.
Today I'm grateful for Taz, Boo, and Riley.

Ocean Beach speaks

My heart called me to the beach on this cloudy, summer week. I wasn't sure why until I arrived and there was much it needed to tell me. So, I listened closely with my ears, and eyes. Watching the sea gulls I was reminded of their effort to fly and then surrender of riding the waves of wind. The chilly breeze spoke of constant change at it rustled the trees. Tree branches whispered of strength and being grounded through the fog. The fog told me to keep going even without clarity as it rolled over the ocean. And the ocean was rough with an inner calmness that I needed to hear for myself. 

As I stared out at the water for more knowledge I suddenly remembered a poem I wrote in 4th grade with Mr. Ratz (I am aware that even back then I wasn't what you would call a poet):

Along the soft, wet beach I walked,

The ocean waves crashed

and the sea gulls talked.

I've always loved the ocean and listening to it, must be the Neptune conjunct my Moon (yes, that's really how people talk in my program sometimes);). This Colorado girl has given up her dry desert for the beach and intends to continue to nuture her Neptune for many years to come - or at least until the beach stops speaking to me.

Today I'm grateful for sand dollars, Shaun, and my airplane ticket home!

The tone of the ring

First off this post is going to be ridiculous for several reasons...1) I've been spending too much time with books 2) the no Internet thing is kinda making me crazy  and 3) it's about ringtones the kind on cell phones. The other day I was estactic to find the Internet on my phone working and wanted to shop for a new rington as my current Pachabel is getting rather old and I wanted something with a bit more edge...like Mozart or Beyonce. As I scroll through my phone before going online I begin giggling at how hilarious the names of the ringtones are: Gloomy DJ, Invisible Emotion, Vino de Amor, Something. These are the name of poems or bands...not the tone I want to set with my ring. The tone really sets the mood for a call and feels very underestimated. It can provoke a giggle, or a cringe, or even delight (if that cute guy ever finally calls).

Mock or not...picking a ringtone feels like a huge responsibility! After much thinking I decided on Natasha Beddingfield "UnWritten" now that the Hills is gone and doesn't ruin it for me anymore as a theme song.

Today I'm grateful for vegan donuts, free yoga, and campus computer lab.

Roberto reigns!

It deeply pangs me to announce I too was among the millions of people who watched the season finale of the Bachelorette this past week. I felt loyalty to the show since Ali is from San Francisco, okay that's a lie...I mostly just enjoy staring at attractive men without being thought of as creepy. One can't help but be wary of relationships that begin with having fantastical dates and even performing in the Lion King, but I do have hope for the lovely Ali and Roberto. The man (in a white baseball uniform similar to a knight in shining armor) wants to make her happy and that I in my humble, single opinion is the start of a beautiful future.

Today I'm grateful for TV, Meg, and pizza whilest watching the Bachelorette.

Mythtified

My summer hasn’t been all reading in the fog or eating lots of cupcakes…I’ve managed to squeeze in a few classes and macarons as well. My most recent completion was a mythology class about Joseph Campbell and I’m not even sure where to begin except that I renewed my love for all things fiction and fantasy. I'm so into mythology right now I'm even creating my own words, such as mythtified (sounds like "mystified" and has been my experience since a recent summer course).
Somewhere along the way I forgot about the imagination…my Netflix list is documentaries, the TV shows I watch are “reality,” and I read non-fiction books. Fantasy and fiction aren't just for kids. Myths bring us meaning and guidance in situations that seem fantasy and upon closer look - represent our lives.

There lies the trouble, I don’t remember how to think symbolically or metaphorically since my obsession with reality began. Our society has become so literal it's lost its magic (and I was almost confused about how to use two types of "its" in one sentence). Why does a butterfly have to just be a butterfly? It can also represent transformation and soul searching.

Myths may be false (Avatar) or only partially true (Bible) but their meanings and metaphors hold deep truths. We begin to see that every character is us instead of choosing the pretty maiden or the hero warrior. We have both within us…as well as the dragon (please note an obvious reference to just about any fairy tale is included here). It’s noticing that Lord of the Rings, Greek mythology, Star Wars, Avatar all hold similar patterns of struggle and rebirth as process of individuation and coming into our true selves.

As a child I watched fairy tales and read books of mythology for entertainment and as an adult I see how much I have to learn from them. So what’s necessary for us to reengage with fantasy? It’s a willingness to be with the metaphors whether or not we see them. Seeing connotations and not the denotations of comic books, movies, and even some TV shows. Our imagination lives through mythology, better yet…the hero always lies with you (see, even Mariah Carey is into mythology). ;)

Today I'm grateful for remembering to write, yoga with Lauren, and my upcoming Colorado trip.