New Year, not new me

Every New Year's Eve day I look through my journal and think about the year before. My life has changed so much in 2009, for bragging sake they are below:

• getting my yoga teacher training certification!
• moved to Denver
• was lead publicist for film festival
• took a trip to Napa
• my sister got married!
• accepted to grad school in SF!
• got rid of my car
• married myself
• stopped making so many lists
• end of my Saturn Return
• did Millionaire Mind by Peak Potentials
• found an ideal partner
• let the ideal partner go
• made out with some attractive men
• got clear on my life goals

These are all changes in circumstances, not with me - although all of them got me closer to my true self (even making out). I rang in the New Year for 2009 with a hula hoop, Lauren, 15C, and my friend Bri (some circumstances don't change such as my love for hula hooping). 2010 will be with Stef, Brea, and Menver hopefully wearing my BCBG sparkly dress, if I can find it in my tiny closet.
When I think about resolutions the only ones that come to mind are eating less sugar (as if I haven't tried that before), taking better care of my outward apperance (said that a while ago), and being better at washing my face before bed (my facialist has been complaining for years). Cheers to the New Year, and not the new me!
Today I'm grateful for blue moon, 2010, and faith.

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

We (and by "we" I mean me) a Merry Christmas! May this time of light remind you of the Christ-consciousness and love inside of you!

Solace in solstice

Modern living seems to really disconnect us from the cycles of life with our planet. We have artificial lights that imitate sunlight, heat when it's cold, and most of us don't grow our own food to know when planting/harvesting occur. The more in touch I become with the cycles of Earth, the greater my connection grows to this joyous mystery called life. Solstices and equinoxes give us time to remember what the world was like millions of years ago when humans woke up to the sun and slept outside under the moon. Time and days were counted by the moon and the placement of stars in the sky. (Reading over this last paragraph really makes me think I could not only be a hippie sorority girl, but also a Pagan.)

Today is the shortest day of the year and as darkness descends we come into a time of celebration. The start of winter in the natural world symbolizes rest and rejuvenation - a time to go inward and a rebirth and literally being brought back to life.

By honoring the Earth's cycles we honor ourselves, it isn't about being a specific religion or a "tree hugger." It's about reflecting and remembering we're apart of something with every being on this planet. Here are a few ideas of ways to celebrate the coming of light:

-eating dinner by candlelight

-having an hour without turning on any lights and being in darkness
-celebrating the sunrise

-take a nightime walk and look at the world in darkness

-going to holiday light exhibits such as Zoo lights or Botanical Gardens

-do sun salutations to celebrate coming light

Perhaps another way of celebrating, would be to graduate from a yoga teacher training and bring light to the world through education and yoga. :) That's my plan for the evening.

As the middle way always seems to balance...I will live in my warm apartment with an alarm clock that imitates the sun and gives me the optional sounds of birds or the ocean to wake up to. I find solace with the rhythms of life and the more I honor them the more I want the simplicity of life as it used to be (only hopefully with heat). Namaste!

Today I'm grateful for rituals, holiday lights, and my fellow YTTs!

Cool kids

The benefits of hanging out with people far more cool than I is that I'm constantly learning new words - and somehow getting into places I otherwise wouldn't be able to. Accepting this doesn't take much on my part, it has become the norm and all of us move on accordingly especially when my lexicon improves dramatically after every weekend. My newest additions: soberwhelmed, sublings, and immaculate congestion.

Soberwhelmed - being the only sober one at a party or event
Ex: I'm feeling extremely soberwhelmed at this crazy party.

Subling - siblings children. Pure ingenius...so tired of gender-specific words for relatives.
Ex: Heading over to my sister's house to see my sublings.

Immaculate congestion - when traffic is beyond slowly moving along and then suddenly everything returns to normal speeds without any noticeable accidents or road construction.

Hope this ups your cool points as much as it did mine!

Today I'm grateful for Devotchka, Pandora, and my iPod.

Denver must do

Before leaving Denver (in T-minus four weeks) I've put together a small list of places and things I must do before departing. And they are...in no particular order:

1) dinner/meal at Lola's in the Highlands

2)Genghis Khan exhibit at Museum of Nature and Science

3)partying at The Church

4)VG Burger in Boulder

5)eat at Strings

6)Horse and carriage ride on 16th St (it's Menver, so preferably with an attractive man)

One of my major items was afternoon tea at the Brown Palace. After getting the last reservation before the holidays I was determined to go, with or without a fellow tea partyer. Thank goodness Stef is equally ladylike and came with me. We enjoyed scones, amazing macaroons, and a pianist playing holiday tunes. Shortly after I wished for us all to do a sing along several folks began singing around the piano. It was a Christmas miracle I'm sure of it!

There you have it folks, nothing too dramatic or fantastical - activities I haven't yet done in the Mile High City and would like to.

Today I'm grateful for cloudy afternoons, applesauce, and my camera.

Get out of the way...

...here come the Millers! After meeting the marvelous (and might I say adorable) Miller twins, Logan and Noah, during the Starz Denver Film Festival this year - I couldn't not buy their book. They are quite the pair and I heard the word "bro" more times in a five minute conversation with them than I have in my entire existence on Earth. Their book, Either You're In or You're in the Way, fascinated me in a way that only someone who has worked for film festivals and doesn't quite know what it takes to make a film can (I acknowledge this last sentence could be considered a run-on and now I'm attempting to make it even longer).

I'm no book critic, just a dorky blonde gal who reads enough to be considered a nerd, so I'm unable to go into the technical reasons for why you should read this book. Let's just say it's entertaining, witty, and inspiring. To be honest, I don't think there are any other reasons to read a book. Get out of your own way and buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Borders.

Today I'm grateful for afternoon tea with Stef, bike rides, and anticipation of what's to come.

Feeling foxy

Today I was called a "fox" for the second time in my 27-year history of being one - hopefully not my last. This marvelous moment occured shortly after 10:30 a.m. on my way to yoga class whilest crossing Colfax Avenue. The person in question (or adoration) was a homeless man wearing Ray Bans. It was however my first solo "fox" identification. The first one was several years ago in Georgetown with a group of gals and we were called "stone cold foxes." To this day I'm not exactly sure if that's a compliment.

Several things I've noticed about being called a fox:
1) Usually the man is over the age of 60 (from what I can tell),
2) It always (all two times) catches me off guard and doesn't seem to have any sort of warning mechanism, and
3) Doesn't seem to be accompanied with conversation or a whistle.

All these things considered I'm still feeling pretty foxy and several hours have passed!

Today I'm grateful for Colfax, fresh veggies, and my sugar detox.

Making peace with Earth

The holiday season brings peace to the earth and here are a few ideas on how to make your holiday season more peaceful for the earth:

-purchase and use LED lights if you buy new ones for house decorating

-wrap gifts in old newspaper or magazines instead of buying wrapping paper

-recycle gift cards (and other plastic cards such as library cards), they are made of nonbiodegradable materials, through EarthWorks System

-instead of buying CDs download music online (CD cases are made of nonbioldegradable PVC plastic)

-Swap unwanted gifts on freecycle.org instead of throwing them away.

Today I'm grateful for my fixed apartment leak, quiche, and snowy days inside.

Taking my heart to San Francisco

As of this week it's officially official - I'm moving to San Fran (I believe I can call it that since I will be living there soon)! My notice came in the mail from the grad school I applied with and I've been accepted...the semester starts mid-January. I certainly ossicilate between scared as hell and excited as ever. This move marks the end of an era for certain, I haven't lived anywhere except Colorado since I arrived here from Germany. In my heart I've always known I was a California girl (or at least a hippie and I would prefer to be near more of them).

Funny how our minds/heads can talk us out of (or into) things we truly want. My brain keeps telling me how crazy this is...I can go to grad school in Colorado you know. What am I really going there for? My heart quickly answers staying here just wouldn't be the same, that and I'm in desperate need to live near an H and M. With that I begin to prepare for my journey to the coast...I'm taking my heart all the way to San Francisco.

Today I'm grateful for pujas, Dr. Dean Schaner, and express bus routes.

The Return of Saturn

For the first time in a long time this phase of constant confusion I've been a part of for the past year or so feels as if it's slowly getting clarity. I have my Saturn Return to thank, which I only recently knew what it was thanks a Vedic astrology. Every 28 to 30 years a major astrological shift occurs in lives - mine happened to arrive early. It's the shifting of the phase of youth into maturity (think Britney Spears "Not Yet a Woman"). Mine began last year, during my Saturn return I left my job, lost several important relationships in my life, moved to an ashram, moved to Denver, started new jobs, and in general really began exploring who I am and where I am on this journey.

It's a time of moving forward, sometimes with a lot of turmoil. Saturn, the planet of Karma, shows us the things in our life that aren't working and ends them for us to emerge forward stronger and wiser. It's when you assume the most important responsibility of all - the responsibility for your life. Even my favorite hippie sheek Drew Barrymore talked about it on David Letterman a few years ago, which naturally gives it total street cred.

Whether or not you believe in astrology, there's no hiding major shifts happen around this time in life. Just when we start to think our early twenties were adventurous, then the real stuff starts in our late twenties. Divorces and babies peak between 28 and 30 - there's a restructuring of our desires. Some great spiritual teachers didn't become so until 27 or 30, which was the case with Siddartha, Eckhart Tolle, and even Swami Satchidananda.

My Saturn Return ends tomorrow, Dec. 8, 2009 I couldn't be more excited to become the woman I'm meant to be. Thank you Saturn, and your return!

Today I'm grateful for Saturn, snow, and gingerbread houses.

Shadow dancing

Where there is light there is dark and I saw a film this weekend at Mile Hi Church (I just don't get tired of that place), which made me love both. Our shadow represents the part of us we're ashamed of and therefore push away and hide...perfect examples of Ted Haggard, Rush Limbaugh, Spitzer, etc. People who spoke out strongly against something and ended up being a part of what they hated. When we ignore a part of our deepest desires and things we dislike about ourselves they find a way to become expressed. Some quotes about shadows that seem to sum it up far better than I:

-"Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?" Henry David Thoreau

-"Evil is the shadow of an angel. Just as there are angels of light, support, guidance, healing and defense, so we have the experiences of shadow angels. And we have names for them: racism, sexism, homophobia are all demons - and they're not out there." Matthew Fox

Shadows provide a projection at it's finest - what we dislike in others we dislike about ourselves. (Light behind the projector creats the shadows and images we see.) I find examples of this every where in my life. Today I got frustrated with my dad thinking he was questioning my decision to go to grad school in San Francisco. He wasn't questioning it, I was and heard it through him. Women who are supported by men make me so angry, as if I'm so afraid of admitting sometimes it would be wonderful to have someone else support me. I get jealous of women who are so easily able to put their sexuality out on the table...reminds me how hidden in my shadows my own sexuality becomes.

What I noticed more is that when we react to a projection we become it - especially if we think it's "someone else's stuff" and not our own. When we begin to own it and accept it all just as it is, then it begins to loosen its grip. By nature only with light can a shadow exist. So many of us are afraid of own shadow - a necessary part of us. I'm tired of fighting the darker part of me I don't like - "shadow boxing" only gets us so far. I want to take it a step further and not just accept - I want to dance with my demon shadow and love it as my light.

Today I'm grateful for full moons, my shadow, and warm wool sweaters.

'Tis the season

The holiday season seems to creep up closer every year and I'm excited for it as always. Every year, I greet the season with eagerness because the entire country (and Western world) feels lighter, romantic, and more loving. What is it really the season for I ask? I get tear-eyed just thinking about the song from Rent, "Seasons of Love." And yet I'm beginning to notice it's always the "season of love." The season of love isn't when there are weddings, around Valentine's Day, or the winter holidays - it's now and always, depending on how we look at it.

Thanks to my beautiful friend/sister Brea (I love that she calls me "sister") for correcting me when I said it just wasn't my "season for love" anymore. The season of love has no beginning or end. We always love others and ourselves, just don't always express it. I remind myself that love isn't about a type of love...our mind compartmentalizes it into romantic, familial, or friendship. Love itself has no categories, it just 'tis.

Today I'm grateful for Melting Pot nights with the JL gals, depositing my paycheck, and when my family's cat stalks me.

In the journey I trust

Tama Kieves is a Denver author and I adore her writing style and her book "This Time I Dance" continues to guide me through my career transition. I can't help but imagine our lives seem very similar...living in Capitol Hill,writing (I'm hoping she has more money for groceries than I do), and waking up to remember our dreams haven't happened yet. I received her montly newsletter (http://www.awakeningartistry.com/) this week and wanted to share, it's about being grateful for ourselves and noting that at the table of the soul there are no judgments.

This is my favorite holiday because by nature we remember what is working in our lives and everything we have to be grateful for. We remember the abudance that surrounds us everyday even if we don't see it on a table.

I'm most grateful for myself for finding faith and trust in my journey and I'm grateful for you for being where ever you are as a part of it.

PFD

The day after the Starz Denver Film Festival...a day filled with bittersweet relief. Some call it sleep, I prefer Post-Festival Depression. After months of excitement a week of action-packed parties, receptions, and films - the festival ends with not much to show for it. A lot of build up and now back facing my life and what's next (keep thinking I will be done with this question soon). On top of that, I was certainly more cranky this year than last. I mostly attribute it to fewer sleeping hours, dealing with media and a few high maintenance filmmakers. My best self wasn't out the entire time of the festival and I'll be the first to admit it and apologize to anyone whom I may have come into contact with.

I finished the festival in one piece and met some incredible people throughout. Oddly enough the most memorable moment of the past 11 days was on my way to work last Monday. I was at the bus stop waiting, as people tend to do there, and a pigeon did a mating call coo and walk around my feet in a circle several times. I have never been so flattered in my life. In my frazzled and not so pretty state I felt like belle of the ball.

The picture above was indeed posed, although my perma-stress face might possibly stick around a few days longer. I suspect the PFD will begin to fade in the next few days and the festival fog will completely disapate after a week. Memories of the "coo"ky pigeon, spending time with the Touching Home folks, and lots of Wii tennis will be around for a while...or at least until the next festival.

Today I'm grateful for detoxes, pancakes, and free bus rides.

Festival fog

The first weekend of this year's Starz Denver Film Festival finally wrapped up last night around 2 a.m. It was indeed a fog that is lifting only slightly with several more days to go. A lot of work, but I seem to manage fun and weight gain from all the marvelous food - very well. Highlight so far...getting to hang out with Ed Harris for about 48 hours straight as his "handler" (such a strange Hollywood term, I by no means handled much of anything). Rachel Leigh Cook was also very lovely, and the spread of cupcakes in the Filmmaker Lounge two days ago made my week. Not to mention more attractive filmmaker eye candy than I ever imagined.

The fog has been thick and I'm slowly but surely make my way to the other side...called Closing Night in festival terms - although I'm beginning to think I may want to stay in it longer than I thought...

Today I'm grateful for sugar, yoga teacher training, and films.

Starz are aligned...

Thursday, Nov. 12 at approximately 4:30 p.m. the Starz Denver Film Festival officially begins for me with red carpets, filmmakers, and an Opening Night filled with sold out seats. I couldn't be more excited for the culmination of my hard work over the past few months...This year's theme is Destination:Anywhere and I can honestly say I never know where this festival will take me.

On Nov. 17 during the festival (the 11-day event culminates on Nov. 22), there is one of the largest meteor showers happening at around 11 p.m. I sincerely hope I get the chance to see how the Starz align for this year's festival and where they will take me next. I'm so grateful for a job I enjoy working with people I adore for an organization that lets me come into work at 10 a.m. if I feel it.

Today I'm also grateful for the films Precious, The Last Station, and The Young Victoria.

Poet and did know it

I took a poetry class at the library (bless you Denver Public Library for allowing me to indulge in my non-talents for free), apparently since my teen angst poetry reading I keep thinking there must be more angst bundled somewhere I haven't found yet. Poetry really took on a difference meaning for me in this class - it isn't about perfect writing or even using your thinking mind. Poetry puts words on paper, not sentences or even complete thoughts. One of our assigments was to write about where we feel censored and also a power piece. I was going to post them on here and realized how private it feels to write poems and I'm not quite ready to share them.

I'm no Emily Dickinson or Mark Twain, but I have fun. We are drawn to people and situations that have something we long for...I even almost lived on Poet's Row. Mostly I believe we all have a poet inside and at least I know it, now.

Today I'm grateful for warm showers, large windows with which I can watch the snow, and movies.

Changeling

Fear of change can run our lives and for many people it does (witness my Halloween fear above.) Refreshing that in a sea of change and impermanence we forget one thing always remains - our never changing, omnipresent soul (called puru sa in Hindu tradition). Seasons come and go, people come and go...our situations and circumstances, the core of our being stays exactly the same. We may grow in consciousness and awareness of our soul, but it's always there. The constant in inconsistency. What a wonderful reassurance in times of yuckiness, yes a technical term for we yogis and hippies alike. I agree with the Buddha that our main source of suffering comes from believing things are permanent. It is this impermance that creates our lives - growing from birth - and yet we resist it wholeheartedly as an enemy.

In times of happiness that seem so brief, we cling to the illusion that we can make it stay always and obsess over what we need to maintain it. In times of sadness it feels eternal and neverending. Marianne Williamson has an entire book about the dreaded word "change." (In case you can't figure it out this of course sparked my thought process.) Our ability to be a part of this change and flow makes our lives easier or more difficult. Fear of change spawns from a need to control and accepting the idea things change, without our permission allows us to be accept and move forward. In doing so we lessen our suffering and begin to love the change that is life.

Without change we wouldn't have evolution or new ideas or even grow up for that matter. I'm done resisting change - without my judgments of positive or negative...I have become a changeling for change, and proud of it.

Today I'm grateful for chakras, Dr. Cynthia, and Denver Film Festival.

Films galore

I’ve officially become a workaholic and my life is really only about the Starz Denver Film Festival so all I do is work or watch films. Only seems natural to write about the films I’m seeing in hopes to get others excited about coming to the festival! As I see films I intend to write about them, not all of them mind you...my blog is mostly boring enough!? I'll let you decide which film you think the picture on the left was taken from...

Orgasm Inc.

One of the films in the festival, Orgasm Inc., examines female sexual dysfunction. Is it actually a disorder or a case of women not knowing their own bodies and having two kids and a husband to take care of? Of course a pill that would give me an immediate orgasm would be fun, feels like that’s what we all want. An easy fix, even for pleasure. What about the emotional aspect of why or why not someone has an orgasm? Fun film with great questions about female sexuality.

Blessings: the Tsoknyi Nangchen Nuns of Tibet
The filmmaker from this film is a fellow Coloradoan and it is even narrated by Richard Gere. As if looking at Tibetan nuns wasn’t wonderful enough you get to hear Gere’s voice every now and then. =) The film is about East meets West. A group of western women travel with a Tibetan Buddhist teacher to Nangchen to meet 3000 Buddhist nuns who practice a form of Buddhism initiated in the 1800s. In the 1960s, 40 nunneries were destroyed by China and the survivors found caves and other hidden areas to practice their tradition. It was touching and lovely and brought me back to my own spiritual path, by following theirs.

Today I'm grateful for great parking spaces, quiet libraries, and large trees outside the window.

Choosing your battles

Lately, I've been thinking...(said like the intro for a segment on Chelsea Lately) about battles and the ones we choose to fight, and don't. The other day at work one of my suggestions wasn't taken about a quote I was uncomfortable about submitting for a news release...in my opinion not worth fighting for. A few hours later I noticed a fight in my head about whether or not to go to yoga class. How do you know which ones are and which ones aren't? I would think the answer would have to do with your intention. If wanting to prove someone else wrong or be right or look good...the answer is obvious. What about the really big battles. I'm referring to the one yoga identifies and the one discussed in the Bhagavad Gita (similar to the Christian bible).

To make a long story short - literally (it's a book!) and figuratively - Arjuna, a warrior and possible heir to a throne, must fight a war with several relatives and consults with Krishna (a male form of God) for help. He doesn't want to fight the battle or kill. People have discussed for years whether or not this is a true story or just that, a story with nothing more than to make a point. What struck me the most wasn't what he was fighting, but if he should fight at all.

Krishna says he must, it's a part of his path and therefore he must move forward, he offers him some "weapons." Conquering the lower self (ego, attachments, mind thinking) is about first choosing to even fight the battle. Krishna tells Arjuna to use yoga as a “skill in action” to conquer and master selfish desires. Yoga will provide the “evenness” of mind necessary to move forward. I like that he doesn’t tell him to renounce life and become a monk, instead it is about having the journey in life with the struggle and still moving forward.

This story is everyone’s life. A part I really related to was in the beginning when Arjuna hesitates to join the war. Fighting in this battle of self-mastery, a part of us must die and no longer exist. To some extent that concept can be very scary, especially if we identify ourselves with certain aspects of us. Even though those aspects aren’t our identity, the mind makes it feel that way. Being on this spiritual path and fighting the noble fight requires devotion and faith. It’s so beautiful we get to decide which path to take. Love seems to be our most valuable weapon. I certainly have the same concerns of death and fear Arjuna has. I must overcome my passion and ambition and release from attachment to reach the ultimate phase of samsara (cycle of lives) – the unmanifested, where Krishna, and my true self, resides.

Once choosing this battle, there's no going back...that's where the resistance lies for me. I have the weapons needed and armour...all that's left is putting up my dukes.

Today I'm grateful for sun sets, notes, and clean kitchen.

Hallow Saints Souls Dead Day

This has certainly been a very auspicious weekend (I hardly ever get to use that word and I love it)...Halloween (with Daylight Savings Time extra hour to party), All Saints Day, and the Day of the Dead with a full moon. Saturday I enjoyed Halloween like any good Trekkie does...with fellow crew members (aka Hayley and Nick). We went to scary - that would be an understatement, very scary - haunted house appropriately titled City of the Dead. I was even chased by a creepy guy with an axe, serves me right for trying to be cute by winking and waving...

What I enjoyed most was how different this was from other Halloweens, I really enjoyed the holiday instead of getting caught up in what I thought I "should" be doing (e.g. dressing provocatively and going to numerous parties or bars). Instead, after the City of the Dead we ate pizza and I got a cupcake (needed treats you know) at City O City where I ran into my neighbors.

Today, Sunday, is All Saints Day, which is also a part of the early Pagan tradition Feast of the Lemures - a time rid of malevolent spirits. Not quite sure how I will celebrate besides maybe read the Saint Francis of Assis prayer a few times and meditate. Oh and eat pumpkin pancakes with my parents at Le Peep - an option for all holidays.

Tomorrow is the Mexican holiday Day of the Dead and Christian holiday All Souls' Day. According to Wikipedia, "Traditions include building private altars honoring the deceased, using sugar skulls, marigolds, and the favorite foods and beverages of the departed, and visiting graves with these as gifts. Scholars trace the origins of the modern holiday to indigenous observances dating back thousands of years, and to an Aztec festival dedicated to a goddess called Mictecacihuatl.

Similar holidays are celebrated in many parts of the world; for example, it's a public holiday (Dia de Finados) in Brazil, where many Brazilians celebrate by visiting cemeteries and churches. In Spain, there are festivals and parades, and at the end of the day, people gather at cemeteries and pray for their loved ones who have died. Similar observances occur elsewhere in Europe and in the Philippines, and similarly-themed celebrations appear in many Asian and African cultures."

So there you have it, four holidays and a full moon.

Today I'm grateful for Star Trek, pancakes (had to see that one coming), and the radio.

"Precious" moments

Yesterday I saw the movie "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire," and I expected to be disturbed and touched - not disturbed, sobbing, and touched. One of the wonderful things about my job working for the festival is getting to see films that will play during the festival. I was really excited to see "Precious," it has been the first film to win audience awards at Sundance and Toronto Film Festivals. Most importantly it's playing at this year's Starz Denver Film Festival as the Opening Night film...and what an eye "opener" it is!

This film reminded me of the importance of not judging until you've walked a mile (or at least 17 in Precious' case) in someone else's shoes. It really pushed my comfort level with how incredibly awful and seemly hopeless a situation can be - in those moments someone's own inner truth is far more "precious" than money, health, or education.

Today I'm grateful for snow, baked apples, and hide and seek with Taz.

One for one

Last week I heard Blake Mycoskie (aka my new crush) from Toms Shoes speak at my favorite spiritual hangout, Mile Hi Church. Ever since my rejection with the UN public relations job (yes, the one I don't want to talk about - ever again), I've wrestled with my entrepreneurial spirit. If the UN won't take me I may as well hire myself!?

I could be considered somewhat of a Toms Shoes fanatic, if being a fanatic means I own the documentary, ask for a pair of shoes for every major holiday, and have applied to go a shoe drop 57 times. Besides having such an interesting founder, the company reminds me time and time again that business can make a difference and be fiscally beneficial (aka "conscious capitalism"). I've looked a few ideas from working with travel companies to lead volunteer or meditation trips or getting paid to carry my trash this time...Toms Shoes takes the (cup)cake on ideas as far as I'm concerned.

A note on Blake, even after just arriving back in the U.S. from a shoe drop in Ethiopia he was still able to talk Toms. The only thing I can talk about that passionately after traveling that far is putting on my sweatpants. That's a true sign of dedication - on both our parts. He looks better than I do after a day of working late and yoga teacher training!? Thank you Blake for ensuring a better tomorrow; now if only I could find a way to get in on your shoe drops!

Today I'm grateful for my gold pair of Toms, my white pair of Toms, and last but not least my black pair of Toms.

Life-long romance

I did something so incredibly cheesy I'm hesitant to even share anywhere on the Interweb that someone I know (or potentially know) could see. That's kind of how I know I need to just need to dish. I committed to myself today - with a ring, flowers, and bought myself a cake. Going into the details of where and what was said shall remain private, as any truly romantic ceremony is. Once on Facebook I put myself in a relationship with myself for about two weeks (apparently my two week commitment streak lasts as long to myself as to men, go figure). I haven't been taking very good care of myself proof as of late by eating not so nutritious foods, catching H1N1, not making time for yoga, etc. This renewing commitment to myself reminds me of what comes first, not in selfish way instead a reminder of loving me means loving others. My capacity to love others is only proportionate to my capacity to love me. Our society puts so much emphasis on signficant relationships as being romantic and I whole heartedly disagree.
I'm beginning to sound more and more like a single twentysomething (later twenty something I might add) so it only feels appropriate to interject my favorite Sex and the City Carrie Bradshaw quote, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

The sudden desire to commit came shortly after my sister's wedding - I had this epiphany that I don't really want to get married. (I want to be sure to preface this that everyone has different wants and needs and this is just my take on marriage.) It's beginning to feel more romantic to me not to get married and instead create a partnership without paper. This feels more freeing...if the point of a relationship is to grow and learn I want the freedom to know when that phase has ended not to keep myself in the situation because of a legally binding contract. I want someone to stay with me without pressure because our lives together make more sense to serving the world and our individual life purposes. If we have kids together and decide we do want different legal rights or tax benefits a trip to the courthouse over our lunch break would suffice.
As Ms. Bradshaw finishes the last season of Sex and the City with a firm stance that our life-long romance begins with us. For the record a commitment ceremony with rings, flowers, and cake is always an option...with or without a mate. The relationship with ourselves isn't optional.


Today I'm grateful for Watercourse foods, cute boys who wave at me from their bikes, and gift cards.

"Samadhic" experiences at Samadhi?

In yogic traditions samadhi (I invented an adjective from it above) is experiencing the oneness of life, enlightenment, or bliss. It feels as if I chase this feeling nonstop and have created an attachment to the next time I can get "high." I don't have samadhic experiences that often, would love to have them everyday and unlike other yogis I haven't had them during meditation or even yoga (why do you think I was so drawn to do my Yoga Teacher Training at Samadhi Yoga Center?). Mine occur when I'm extremely present with what I'm doing and involved in something else usually nonspiritual in nature (although I'm beginning to realize everything is spiritual in nature). How's that for a non-enlightenment plug?

Here are the moments I have experienced samadhi and remembered it:
-in a loud discotheque in Cannes after seeing Bono
-walking in Paris on a quiet street listening to a cello
-running and not being able to feel my body
-laying on a beach topless in Marbella, Spain
-walking to Lotus Shrine at Yogaville
-seeing a perfect Monarch butterfly
-after a performance when a whole crowd of people are giving a standing ovation
-certain songs such as classical music or Beatles
-when I'm doing Masala Bhangra dancing

-waking up next to someone I adore

In Hinduism the enlightenment or samadhi occurs when Kundalini energy rises and has made its way up from the base of our spine chakra into the top of our crown chakra. The experiences noted above feel as if there's a rush of energy shooting through my body - especially through my arms and legs. It's said when the Kundalini energy rises to the top permanent enlightenment occurs (symbolized by the lotus flower) - usually over a long period of time.
Today I'm grateful for samadhi, searching for samadhi, and experiencing samadhi.

I see (saw) dead people

No, I'm not just quoting movies despite my current film obsession preparing for the Denver Film Festival. My sudden interest in the dead has a lot to do with my last night when I went to a cadaver lab with my yoga teacher training class. What do dead bodies have to do with yoga you ask? Everything and nothing. For starters, "hatha" yoga actually means yoga of immortality or to reverse the aging process. For enders (why doesn't anyone ever say that), I'm not a doctor nor an anatomy expert.

It was quite a memorable experience. I had the pleasure of being acquainted (very acquainted) with three cadavers named Francis, Henry, and George. One provided lovely bone structure, one muscle system perfection, and one lovely reproductive and digestive tract. I held a ball, (single one, not both), a bladder, and even a uterus. One of the students dropped a kidney during part of the discussion and it will forever go down as a great yogic/cadaver moment. (At least I didn't drop the ball...;)) So yes, I saw dead people and loved it.

Today I'm grateful for free library classes, walks in the sun, and quick email response.

Leg up (or both) with leggings

With winter approaching and me getting tired of jeans I quickly switch to leggings - the sweatpant/skinny jean alternative. I like to think it's also workplace attire appropriate; however, I doubt pairing my bright blue leggings with a baggy sweatshirt works and I don't care.

Talking about clothing on here isn't usually my style. I prefer to discuss much more riveting issues such as an obscure self-help books and cupcakes. Leggings save my life on many occasions and I don't want to deny them space. They can be dressy, casual, or inbetween and go with ballet flats, tennis shoes, Toms, and even my Emus (fake Uggs). Pairing them with stilettos feels a tad too Sandra Dee and I attempt to avoid similarities as much as I can. That and since I got rid of my car my high heels don't get much wear time. Whatever you wear them with or don't, it's hard to deny they can get you a "leg up "in fashion these days - possibly even two!

Today I'm grateful for TV Internet, EmergenC, and studying.

Alter "ego" Rebecca

We all have one, not just we Gemini cusp people, but not all of us name it. I've decided mine is certainly Rebecca. She's the one who flips her hair and sometimes ignores people when she doesn't feel friendly. She secretly whispers in her head "I already knew that," when people tell her things she thinks she should already know. She wants attention and seems to be a tad dramatic. Case in point, she's bratty and snobby - the sorority girl without a lot of free-lovin' hippie involved. She's also a part of me and therefore I can't help but love and adore her.

A few weeks ago my friend Brea and I decided to name our alter "egos," and it has certainly helped me be more conscious about the part of my personality vying for attention. Becky hasn't quite known what to say about all of this, so she doesn't say anything and instead just listens patiently to Rebecca - she's the alter after all.

Today I'm grateful for Free Mall Ride, movie screeners, and snow.

Letting go, surrender into October

October represents a time of letting go, surrendering, and in some ways grief. Fewer hours of daylight, trees releasing leaves, etc. My sister's wedding this weekend felt as a nod to letting go of our childhoods. Here's a poem below by one of my favorite writers, Winnie Shows, I feel it really signifies the idea of letting go:

Departure

This is important

I have to help you go.

Stoic in rush hour traffic

And tired of watching you pack,

I pretend to be a good sport and

Pick up your tickets.

Outside the FedEx building I crumbled

as grief thundered through.

Your tickets in one hand,

passport in the other.

I thought of burning both.

Then, like a mourning mother

shrouding her dead child,

I knew: Accepting is not enough.

I have to help you go.

Must send you on your journey,

Or I can't resume mine.

In June, I released and surrendered a relationship to something bigger. This poem really hit home, I helped the departure occur, instead of resisting it. The same way my father paid for my sister's wedding to "give her away." On the other side of grief and letting go is something beautiful...a new beginning. This month I release knowing the future and letting October work its magic.

Today I'm grateful for my new red dress, release, and changing leaves.

Old Maid of Honor

Tomorrow officially begins the madness that is my sister's wedding weekend. And as the Old Maid of Honor I'm in charge of the bachelorette party!! And no, the picture to the left is not of the party, rather a normal sisterly photo at Red Rocks. I was of course voting for half-naked men and body shots for the b.p. (bachelorette party of course, not blood pressure); the bride would prefer the season opener of the Avalanche and a sports bar. The idea of the perfect last night of singledom isn't where our differences end.

Lots of people make a pity face when I tell them I'm in my little sister's wedding this weekend. The truth is she isn't my little sister - she's three inches taller than I am and most days seems to have her life far more put together than I do. She's an accountant by trade and I am certain a gym teacher or Wonder Woman by true nature. It would be a lie to say I'm shocked she's getting married before "I do" (unintentional that turned to intentional wordplay)...my parents even predicted it when we were young. Guess you could say she's more traditional, in a liberal way, and I'm what our family calls the "free spirit."

Her wedding isn't so much making me want my own as left me wondering where time went. How did my younger (notice not using adjective "little") sister become old enough to get married? Someday I'll know and hopefully that someday is before I make my Maid of Honor toast!

Today I'm grateful for relatives in town, rowing machines, and free heads of lettuce.

Batty about bats!

I'm officially batty about bats! Hayley had a purely ingenius idea to attend a talk at the Denver Nature & Science Museum about bats. The flying mammal called the bat has the intelligence of a cat and the cuteness factor of a puppy. On top of loading up on useless trivia knowledge about the only animal in the chiroptera order, I remembered how sacred it is to be in the presence of animals (not just fish, birds, cats, dogs, and squirrels)...wild animals. Each live bat the conservationist brought out was curious about the audience (one even crawled out of its cage to get a better view). It was as if animal and human wanted a closer connection. What a beautiful concept that animals want to know us as much as we want to know them. I don't know about you...I'm ready for a bat house!

Today I'm grateful for Cirque du Soleil, pumpkin spice at Starbucks, and quiet Friday evenings.

Food Inc.

See the above mentioned movie or risk possible death (either that or be extremely grossed out by seeing it). Everyone and his/her mother (and father, and sister, and brother, and grandbrother) should see it. How strange we don't seem to question where our food comes from. Sometimes I'm of the mindset "ignorance is bliss;" however, when it comes to what I put in my body I don't have that luxury. In the film, filmmaker Robert Kenner examines our nation's food industry - good, bad, and downright ugly. He looks at what happens to genetically altered foods and how they affect us. It wouldn't be a productive documentary with some sort of education and what to do to help. Most of the suggestions are ways for certain industries to stop being so in demand and allow other healthier industries to become more prevelent. (For starters visit www.takepart.com/foodinc)

Here's what I gathered from the movie and the Website about the simple things we can do to encourage positive change in the food industry:
1. Stop drinking sodas and other sweetened beverages.
2. Eat at home instead of eating out.
3. Support laws that require fast food restaurants to post calorie information.
4. Tell schools to stop selling sodas, junk food, and sports drinks.
5. Meatless Mondays - one day a week without meat makes a big difference.
6. Buy organic and sustainable food with little to no pesticides.
7. Go to farmers' markets, support local food.
8. Make a point to know where your food comes from - read labels.
9. Tell Congress food safety is important to you.
10. Demand job protections for farm workers and food processors, ensuring fair wages.

Today I'm grateful for documentaries, food stamp programs, and my new blender.
-

Falling into fall

Happy Fall Equinox; a day of equal light and dark, yin and yang, masculine and feminine. In one word a day of balance before the change of seasons. Fall in Colorado can only be described as breath taking - colorful aspens, slight chill, and warm sun. Change in every sense of the word seems abound during this time. It truly is a reflection of the change we want, what we see, and who we are. I read somewhere the majority of people sign up for counseling in fall, knowing they need change and wanting it. What a beautiful and wonderous time of year, I have no qualms about falling head over heels into fall.

Today I'm grateful for homemade chocolate chip cookies, berry tea, and creamy oat bran.

Back in the saddle again

Not just any saddle - a beautiful saddle with gold trim, and glamour to boot (similar to the one with Christina Aguilera above). This week my life suddenly became a bucking bronco/crazy carousel ride (complete with being introduced to "Mutton Bustin" story for another time). After a year of retirement I'm now back to working full-time (for a job I love), doing yoga teacher training 10 hours a week, studying, seeing friends, and maintaining good nutritional practices (or at least to the best of my ability).

I'm reminded that yoga and other spiritual practices become obsolete without "real world" testing. It's easy to stay grounded in love and peace when I have time to meditate twice a day. Not so easy when I have to get myself to leave my desk during a stressful afternoon to do it. Now's my practicum to see what I've learned during my retirement. Get myself back into the saddle and on with life.

Today I'm grateful for breakfast burritos, night rides on my bike, and Project Runway.

Carless wonder

I made huge commitment today to the environment by selling my car to a salvage yard...did I mention there wasn't one to replace it? How wonderful my car will go towards helping other cars stay running. It's like organ donation..without the death! Okay, more like automobile recycling.

As I walked away from my car I couldn't help but feel a tinge of sadness. The Maxi (Maxima in case you haven't met before) and I have been through so much together. So many fond memories of jamming to music, coming up with creative ideas, mini road trips, car accidents, and even making out with guys. That car has been a part of my life for 10 years and after 230,000 miles was ready for retirement. Alas, I can't drive a car looking in the rearview mirror (not that I have one anymore); the time has come to move on and so I shall. Farewell fair Maxi. In the words of Karla I'm now a "carless wonder" and still in the driver's seat - with or without a car.

Today I'm grateful for salvage yards, runs in Monument Valley Park, and oranges.

Mind and soul

As humans we all have this struggle between two very different parts of our being. Different science and spiritual teachings call it different things...the ego, meaning making machine, reptilian brain. Then there's the side of us that comes from love, peace, and spirit at all times. Depending upon which part of us currently runs our lives our experience becomes very different or difficult in some instances.

My journey of consciousness has come about by being able to recognize when I'm in which place and then decide what to do next. When I'm stressed or running around a mile a minute, it's about appreciating my mind and brain. When I'm taking time for me and enjoying a butterfly, it's about appreciating my soul. Both parts of equal importance to life. Here's a kinda sorta poem I wrote about it (certainly not Seventeen magazine material):

My mind asks questions and my soul knows the answers.
My mind closes doors and my soul opens windows.
My mind forgets and my soul remembers.
My mind wanders and my soul commits.
My mind moves to past/future and my soul stays present.
My mind achieves and my soul conceives.
My mind speaks and my soul listens.
My mind craves control and my soul surrenders.
My mind screams now and soul whispers whenever.
My mind looks for fear and my soul finds faith.

Today I'm grateful for my mind, heart, and body.

I heart strangers (and Josh Langlais)

Last week I went to a reception for a new show at City O City, what a wonderful excuse to by a cupcake! The show, I Heart Strangers, stole my heart. A collection of photos of a different person everyday for a year, and beyond. What a beautiful concept to not only meet someone new, but hear their story. My friend Liz and I had a wonderful time chatting with the photographer and pretending I was cool enough to be there.

Check it out for your self:

http://www.iheartstrangers.com/

Today I'm grateful for Internet at the library, Dell on call, and time with my sis.

Yes, I have been called a tease

Particularly after a class at Tease Studio off Pearl near Wash Park. I love this place! The owner, Jen Fornberg, started it several years ago after being classically trained ballet dancer. Classes range from "Booty Box" (Tease version of kickboxing) to pole dancing, and even candlelight yoga and zumba. It has classes to enhance my tease status and actually get in shape.

My real reason for writing is to mention the studio's two-year anniversary party on Sept. 11. There will be my favorite food of all time (cupcakes), champagne, giveaways, classes, and live music. Is that a "teaser" or what?

Hope to see you there!

Today I'm grateful for live music, dancing, and changing leaves.

9-9-9 Numerology

While some (possibly many) will argue numerology has no merit, it is fun and that's pretty much why I like it. (That and it was a great closing page for every issue of Seventeen magazine!) The number 9 reflects completion and ending of the old...how perfect for it to begin the fall season. What's creepier is that 9+9+9=27 and 2+7=9!? Okay maybe now I'm going overboard...

I always thought it was fun to see which numerology is your birthday. This is said to tell you how close you are to your soul not being reincarnated (I know, now it's getting kooky). My birthday is May 20, 1982 so the numerology would be 5+2+0+1+9+8+2=36. Then 3+6=9...according to this I would start all over at 1 in my soul's next life. Fun thing to try...

On 8-8-8 I wrote a blog on the significance of 8 in Chinese tradition; however, the number 9 has a lot of significant meanings as well...

-9 planets in solar system (or used to be, darn Pluto!)

-It is the product of 3X3 and three is the number of balance in mind, body and spirit.

-It takes nine months for a human baby to fully develop in the womb.

-In history, number nine was a sacred number in both Egypt and Greece.

-In religion, the hierarchy of angels has nine choruses.

-The Buddhists see the sky divided into nine celestial levels.

- In Islam there are nine spheres in the universe.

Today I'm grateful for Cheesman Park, Denver Film Society, and my communication.

Kombucha

My past several Whole Foods trips have resulted in Kombucha purchases. I'm intrigued by this flavorful, carbonated, yumminess of a tea. How can a drink (a drink made of bacteria and yeast non the less) accomplish so many things and taste so delectable?? Here are the health benefits to my knowledge - I am sure they extend well beyond this...

-Most commonly reported benefit has been an increase sense of well-being. Not very measureable, and I'll take it!

-Natural source of many nutrients such as Vitamin B, Vitamin C, and minerals.

-Contains live cultures for balancing friendly bacteria in the intestinal track.

-Several acids that detox, rebuild, and have antibiotic qualities.

There you have it folks, my not very well researched or long list of benefits, although I realize my blog isn't meant for scientific evidence. While true the drink had have adverse side effects if not fermented properly...I trust Whole Foods to select the best brands for me to imbibe. Benefits or not, this drink tastes yummy and gives me a pick-me-up...what more do you need??

Today I'm grateful for my time at the ashram, Bronco's game tonight, and seeing my parents this weekend.

Power struggle

So often I notice a power struggle within me, as if the me I want to be and the me I am can't compromise. The me I am doesn't want to take responsibility for the way the things are (good bad, and ugly). The me I want to be wants to recognize myself as cause in the matter of it all (good, bad, and ugly).

There is something in my life that holds me back from taking responsibility and it's usually that I can still use excuses, blame other people or circumstances, and I get to be right. Not being the author of my life has cost me something and it's living my life fully. I don't work on changing an experience, I just accept it as it is. When I share the experience it becomes just that and loses its hold on me.

As Stephen Covey says, the true battle is between your disciplined and undisciplined self. The disciplined me sat down to write and the undisciplined keeps looking at Facebook after every few sentences...;) Maybe the really struggle is just accepting this...the good, bad, and the ugly.

Today I'm grateful for Facebook, my cell phone, and my lost luggage.

Farrar out!!

I met a man this week, not just any man...a man named Raisin. Not sure how or why he has said name, so don't ask. He was sitting behind my building in the shade reading a book while I was taking out my recycle bin. I couldn't help but ask what he was reading, which then of course only progressed into a conversation about what I did. It ended with me going up to my apartment and packing food for him to take on the road.

You see, Raisin is my age...quit his job to backpack/bum across America, sold his posessions and took off. I couldn't help being jealous of what he was doing...how complicated life gets so quickly. During his trek his fiance was hit by a car and died, he quickly became no longer a strange and someone whose pain felt so real and dear to me. We spent several hours talking and I fell more and more in love with the human named Raisin and less and less put off by his rough appearance. What a wonderful afternoon and how blessed I am to be able to take time to know this man whose story inspired and touched me. How blessed I am to have time to spend with others and learn from their journey.

If this does become the route I decide to take...I can promise my "road" name would be somewhere between "Farrar out" and "Rainbow."

Today I'm grateful for my apartment, simplicity, and my fridge.

Money doesn't grow on trees...

...it's made of them! I have been really examining my relationship to money the past few weeks and the adage about "free lunches" and "money not growing on trees" has become fun to disbelieve. I'm in love with Harmonic Wealth by James Arthur Ray. (Don't worry, I just joined a book club that begins in October, til then my blog will continue to be my place to discuss.) My friend Dustin recommended it to me and I can't get enough of it! I've always believed money was energy and could tell when I was flowing with it and when I was headed up stream. The trick for me was doing things to keep it flowing in...

This book helped me see that I continually strive for balance and balance...in the words of James Arthur Ray, "is bogus!" Wanting harmony in all areas of life makes more sense. Balance isn't active and flowing...harmony could be compared to an orchestra where everything is there, not the same intensity at all times. What a wonderful lesson to realize! I can have it all and don't have to find a way everyday to make everything to perfectly balance. Some days I will focus more on my health, some on my work, and others on my relationships.

Thanks James Arthur Ray for your book, and I look forward to more har"money"!

Today I'm grateful for long walks, my car, and my wardrobe.

Peace be with you

I normally stay away from political topics on my blog because well, let's face it, it isn't very loveable, joyful, or vitality-ful (yes, I made that up, hence the hyphen). I need to make an exception, the past few days my heart has really been hurting about the impact of the current world situation. It rips my heart out each time I meet someone or talk to someone who has a loved one fighting. I feel sick to my stomach each time I read the paper about violence erupting around the world. Violence only leads to more violence and my anger has only lead to more anger.

I'm tired of feeling helpless and exhausted with being angry. It has nothing to do with my political party or being a liberal, it has to do with loving people and not wanting anyone to continue hurting. I don't just mean the Iraq war, but in other areas of the world where people suffer because of violence. This includes our own backyard. I'm dismayed that it is 2009 and humanity hasn't learned a more peaceful way to deal with conflict.

When will we realize we're all the same and when we hurt others we hurt ourselves as well? No one is ever really right or wrong and we aren't going to convince someone else to see our way, especially when our way involves violence. Peace isn't the absence of conflict, but the ability to conflict in a peaceful means (forget who said that).

Here's a list of things I came up with off the top of my head of things anyone can do to promote peace:

-make donation to organization promotes peace

-vote for peace, not political party

-pray for peace

-meditate for peace

-love yourself

-write letters to elected officials

-wear shirts promoting the cause

-attend pro-peace march or rally

-love others

-educate yourself and others about the effects of war

-reduce dependency on oil and therefore fighting for resources

-honor those who have lost their lives

Today I'm grateful for synchronicity, freebies, and melantonin.

I'm not a girl...

...not yet a woman. For once I'm with Britney Spears on this one. I've felt this way for a while...I remember vividly the day I went into Hollister and felt way too old and then walked into Ann Taylor and felt way to young. I still get called "Miss" and "Ma'am" - and cringe with both.

One of my favorite books - I only have about 437 of them - "The 10 Women You Will be Before You're 35" by Alison James talks about the journey of self-discovery. (You should know anytime I use the compound noun "self-discovery" it's a tell-tale sign things will only get cheesier.) According to the book these are the phases and catch phrases to go with them:

1. New Graduate: "When I was in school we would..."

2. Dollarless Diva: "I really can't afford it."

3. Worker Bee: "I'll do it."

4. Party Girl: "It's so wonderful to see you. You look fabulous."

5. Body Conscious Babe: "I'll have the fat-free, sugar-free, low carb brownie."

6. Chameleon: "What are you having?"

7. Crisis Chick: "Ugh, what am I going to do with my life?"

8. Ms. Independence: "I don't have time right now."

9. Wirl (half girl/half woman): "This girl I know...I mean this woman I know."

10. True You: (note: this phase doesn't have a phrase, it just is.)

I'm currently a Wirl and it couldn't be more obvious. Apparently another part of the "Wirl" phase involves forgetfulness. Have I written about this book/topic before? It feels familiar and I can't find the entry. Oh well...I have been all of these women, or girls, although not in that particular order. Some people/women reach them before 25, others of us are still getting there and enjoying the ride. (And attending our younger sister's wedding soon!)

What does it really mean to be a grown-up? Taking responsibility for my life in its entirety? Settling down? Stopping running through sprinklers? I'm beginning to realize it's much more simple...knowing what's best for me and having the courage to follow it. Better yet, putting myself in charge of my life, and keeping me there. As Brit says in that catchy, sappy song (just my type by the way)..."This girl(wirl) will always find her way."

Today I'm grateful for hiking, tea houses, and True Love store on Broadway.

Dear Universe...

Dear Universe,
Lately I haven't created the abundance in my life to afford the things I truly love and love doing. Will you please give/send the following things my way? (or something better if you see fit?) I realize my half birthday isn't until November.

-part-time job during day hours with people interaction, little responsibility and close to my apartment, making at least $15 per hour.

-nice haircut and partial highlight - kind I used to get and spent a lot of money on. Could really use a major discount now.

-hugely discounted or scholarship to Samadhi's fall yoga teacher training

-my blog to have an updated layout with bright colors and lots of pictures

-studio in San Fran available in January in the Mission

-another pair of Tom's shoes

-dress from Marianne and Ginger

-Anthropology clothes

Thanks! Today I'm grateful for my desires, window plants, and my windchime.

Cupcakes for the soul

Nourishing my soul has become a goal of mine everyday, sometimes every hour. When things get tough or we feel confused giving something to our soul can get us out. Chicken Soup for the Soul books figured this out a long time ago. My favorite ways to provide good sustenance include:

• journal writing
• reading
• getting a massage
• going for a walk or run
• doing yoga
• meditating
• dancing
• singing in the shower
• baking
• talking on phone to favorite people
• being creative: pottery, collage, etc.
• time with friends
• long, slow meals at yummy restaurants
• petting cats or dogs
• exploring
• eating ice cream or cupcakes
• concerts
• movies
• traveling
• unicorns (picture from plate at Lakeside Waffles)

Today I'm grateful for future, present, and past.

One year down...83 to go!

Today marks a very important day in my life, my one year anniversary of quitting my job and pursuing my dreams!! I can't tell you how many times I have craved the comfortable, safe working environment I used to have, but I wouldn't trade this past year for anything in the world (except maybe to have my job back - just kidding)! I did it - I took a year for me. A year to explore, have adventure, and connect with my soul. Wish I could say it has been easy and all fun, no work. There were (and still are) days I freak out and wonder how to make pay my bills or where my life is going. I'm far more clear now than I would have been had I stayed in the comfort of my pretty office at City Hall. Somewhere along the way, my job became who I thought I was. I'm so far removed from the woman who had an office, wore nice clothes, and had a nice hefty paycheck. My identity has become what I give and what I want for the world - not my personality, or looks, or career, or clothes, or what I own.

In the past year I've done some amazing things - lived in an ashram, fell in love, went to China, moved to Denver, was a speed dating hostess, worked for a film festival, carried around my trash, visited Napa, and most importantly remembered who I am. What have I learned this past year? I can have it all - the adventures, the fun, the amazing people, make money, and most of all still be me. What's next...well, I've spent one year following my dreams...83 to go!

Today I'm grateful for work, play, and having the courage to do both.

Teen angst revival

We all have them (or at least those of us who have ever been crazy in love with someone in 6th grade) - teen angst moments and even better, poetry to prove it. During my move in May I convienently found two of works of art created when I was 14 that described my pain (at the time) about a certain boy, who is of course my friend on Facebook now.

I went to a poetry reading this weekend at the Modbo (if you don't know what it is, Google it)where a group of us read these teen angst poems. Reading it I felt the true angst of that time. I can't fail to mention these were both submitted to Seventeen magazine - the true magnet for quality poetry and creative expression of the time.

Below are the poems so you can truly appreciate my misery at the time. Beware the gag reflex is a completely natural occurence after reading them:

My Love
My love is the sky,
neverending and relentless in the pursuit of your heart.

The moon tells of my haunted heart because of you,
it is alone in the big, dark sky and feels lost without you.

The pitch black storm clouds are my tears,
that will continue to fall until eternity and we are together again.

When I'm with you the rain becomes a rainbow,
barely visible through the clouds and my heart rejoices at your presence.

My love is the sky,
it will never end and forever be in pursuit of your heart.
An Unforgiving Love
I can feel his warm embrace,
and his soft reassuring glance.
His eyes bore deep into my soul,
many people said, "I told you so."

But I couldn't see past his gorgeous smile,
and thought maybe for a second, "This is the one."

He said he'd never leave me,
he said he'd always love me.

Could this be the same one who brings tears to my eyes
and says cruel things?

Maybe it was the lighting or something in the air,
I'll never know for sure.

But yet I still love him in an unforgiving way,
and hope someday, someday he'll wisk me away.

Today I'm grateful for puberty, my car, and not knowing.

Careful what you wish for!

My last Wednesday night can be described no other way except weird (and not just because it makes a lovely alliteration if combined). It began with cheese dicks, yes I typed correctly that is their real name. A clever sexual innuendo from the pizza place down the street that sells mozzarella sticks that go by a different name. We (by "we" I mean Hayley and me) finished the cheese and "headed" to the Museum of Miniatures, Toys, and Dolls for a Tetris Tournament. Exploring the museum we found all sorts of past joys including trolls, Barbies, dollhouses, and my favorite - Legos (or "Legs" as my sister and I used to call them). I played beyond poorly in the tourney and even forgot which buttons did what.

Then off to the "Off the Wall Dance Party "at Hi-Dive with 70s and 80s music galore. There I danced (of course) and caught up with friends. Shortly after 1:30 I went to the car to drive home intoxicated friends only to see my car was no longer there. Someone stole Maxi. My gold, Nissan Maxima with a dented hood, and 230,000 miles. For months I have been says how great it would be not to have a car and bragging about riding my bike - the universe granted my wish. The Maxi is gone, without a trace, without a final breakdown, or even a goodbye. I suppose its best this way not to have the formalities and leave it open ended. Although this was certainly not what I had in mind when I asked for car freedom.

It has been an interesting journey noticing my obvious loss and my reaction to it. I mourned its departure for several hours the next day and realized the symbolism of not having my largest material object. My how I've changed! I was more upset I couldn't give my friends a ride home.

Point blank, the universe knows what is best and be careful what you wish for!

Today I'm grateful for kombucha, bike locks, and FREX.

Bhakti Chai devotional

I'm having an intense love affair with Bhakti Chai. Bhakti is actually the devotional yoga usually singing or dancing - whatever the moment desires. Not to mention it has been everywhere lately - Yoga in the Park and City O City. My "devotion" to this chai has mostly to do with its Boulder roots and intense ginger flavor - partially to do with its base of cardamom, believed to be an aphrodiasic. Really one taste of this chai and you have no choice but to love.

Today I'm grateful for museum tours, potting soil, and rain.

Ice cream scoop blooper

While enjoying the ecclectic musical talent in Denver at UMS (Underground Music Showcase aka South by Southwest of Denver) this weekend I had a purely comical experience with my friend Stef. We were strolling a long on a lovely day admiring the weather and in conversation. Suddenly her ice cream scoop fell right off the cone. We had no idea what to say. After several moments of silence we starting laughing our heads off - finally realizing passerbyers had already done so. We rushed back to the ice cream place and she bought another cone, although I was shocked they charged her...when a five-year old drops a scoop, I'm sure they get one for free.

I realize this story is one of those "had to be there" moments, but I couldn't resist sharing. Particularly since I have a pic of Stef on our way back with her new scoop still feeling sad about her old one.

Today I'm grateful for Sweet Action, cameras, and jazz music.