Meet her, Skeeter!

I have a favorite yoga instructor, her name is Skeeter, which I find to be a lovely name. So lovely in fact I might just name my first born after her. Picture this...a tough British (gulp, or possible Irish, I'm not sure and am embaressed to ask) gal with lots of tattoos whom might intimidate me on the street (as is common for me when people have visible tattoos), when she opens her mouth pure yoga poetry escapes. The moment she tells me to "close my beautiful eyes" I'm entranced by her yogic spell where my breath and heart mind take over.

In case you want to hear/experience it for yourself she teaches Mondays and Wednesdays at Yoga Kula (my favorite Anusara style-based studio) on 16th and Mission from 7:45 until 9:15ish p.m. (not a.m. or you will miss the prostitutes on the corner). Below is her bio:

"Skeeter has been teaching for three lovely years. She has studied with Katchie Ananda, Noah Maze and has done trainings with John Friend, Desiree Rumbaugh and Jim Bernaert. Currently she is taking part in the Anusara Mentor program led by Abby Tucker. Skeeter very much enjoys the emotional evolution that comes from the practice of Anusara yoga. She honours the peaceful warrior nature that is uniquly revealed in each of us, through this journey called yoga. Skeeter's purpose is to create a safe space for all students to arrive on their mat, practice the beautiful art of unfoldment and connect to true authentic self. She welcomes you to your mat, however you find yourself there."

Today I'm grateful for Skeeter (duh!), Yoga Kula, and Alex for telling me about her class.

Facelook

Oh we've all done it, just admit you've been a total creeper on your ex-boyfriend's page and also know his new gf has smaller boobs than you (or in my case much larger). Thank goodness Facebook has now made it even easier to get more information about someone's online "friendship" via the "See Friendship" tool that shows up when someone posts on another's page. It's awful and awesome and very stalkerish showing their online interaction based on wall posts. As if somehow "seeing" people's friendship can give us enough information as to whether or not we should continue flirting with them online. If you also want to stalk yourself you can "see friendships" between you and another person thereby determining whom has done more of the talking.

Facebook seems to be embracing the creepy feeling it evokes and using it advantageously. Yes FB we have noticed how easy you make it for us to be even stranger than we already are online and I already looked at several "friendships" was curious about.

Today I'm grateful for not having Internet, soup on chilly days, and brunch with Rebecca.

Sharing is caring

Being in a community shows you (as all relationships do) where your yuckiness is. Lately I have realized how bad I am at sharing. They always tell you in elementary school and even younger to "share," I used to be a a lot better at it than I am now. Living alone I get so used to everything being mine. My bed, my fridge, my, my, my…At Esalen suddenly I had 30 roommates (still fewer than in the sorority house) and one room!? People were constantly laying on my sleeping bag and pillow, using some of my things, and even sharing my water bottle.

My initial reaction to large group sharing usually involves a squirm and akward face (nothing out of the ordinary) only usually no one notices. The other night at dinner with two of my favorite gals they suggested we share a few entrees. This time they caught my shiftiness. Let's face it, I don't like sharing...Especially when it comes to dessert. I like boundaries and knowing how much is mine and how much someone else’s. Where I begin and someone else ends. That isn’t life. The lines aren’t always clear cut, even with food and definitely not with dessert as is the case with ice cream.

So, I’m learning to be open to family-style dining and at the same time learning to share and be willing to let go of some of my clear cut boundaries. Not all of them…just the ones that involve food. (Although this doesn't apply to romantic relationships for me still.)  I wouldn’t consider myself selfish, but in a community like the one I have I don’t think of others as often as I could. Through them I see that sharing really is caring; I might even consider roommates again. That's crazy talk!

Today I'm grateful for Sam, Jamie, and my own apartment.

Juxtaposting

There is a new word Darrin generated to describe my somewhat creepy behavior when I post on someone's FB wall as I'm sitting next to them. Rather clever term and I wish I could take credit for it. It's Urban Dictionary worthy for certain, and I added it yesterday.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=juxtaposting

He can have credit for creating...I however am spreading it. Thought you all should know I'm a published author online somewhere other than my blog. I also might add for someone without Interweb access at home I certainly talk a lot about FB.

Today I'm grateful for FB, Interweb, and UD.

National Make Someone Uncomfortable Day

Apparently today is the 3rd Annual International Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day. As if I needed a reason! Below is the description:
It’s as simple as it sounds: the goal is to make someone, whether a stranger or a friend, feel uncomfortable (not angry / offended / disgusted). Invite all of your friends! Go on the Facebook page and post any ideas you have to make your friends feel uncomfortable, or anything you did! Have fun, and go get ‘em;)
JOIN THE MOVEMENT: As of this posting there were over 380,000 people taking part in this event, all over the country. Don’t be left behind!


Some ideas culled from FB postings:
-Go to a store dressing room, wait a while, then yell “There’s no toilet paper in here!”
-Begin unbelting belt, saying “I bet mine’s longer than yours” then show off how long your belt is.
-Propose to your teacher.
-Shake hands with someone and don’t let go for a long time, too long.
-While at restaurant, pull out a magnifying glass and tweezer and do an autopsy on your food.
-Take off your shoe and have an intense private conversation with it.
-When with a good female friend in public say “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!” really loud and walk away.
-Get in an elevator and tell everyone who gets on that you just bought new socks/underwear today.
-4 words: dick in a box


Needless to say I am feeling very comfortable about this day!

Today I'm grateful for awkward, uncomfortable, and comfortable.

Amazing Grace (Cathedral)

The Rebecca Revolution (consisting of my friend Rebecca and me) attended Grace Cathedral After Hours this weekend where we walked the indoor labyrinth listening to piano music. The cathedral is lit up with tons of candles and  float through the harmonious symmetry of angles and music making up the church. I walked the labrinyth without questions or intentions and got all the answers I needed.


The Christian (or Chartres) labyrinth has been used since 1201 at Chartes Cathedral (hence the name) as a means of prayer walk or walking meditation. The labryinth at Grace Cathedral is the same type. Labryinths represent a divine imprint of life as there is only one way in and one way out (metaphor for death?). I have walked on before, but this one was more powerful.  According to the Website there are three stages of the walk:
There are three stages of the walk:


Purgation (Releasing) ~ A releasing, a letting go of the details of your life. This is the act of shedding thoughts and distractions. A time to open the heart and quiet the mind.


Illumination (Receiving) ~ When you reach the center, stay there as long as you like. It is a place of meditation and prayer. Receive what is there for you to receive.


Union (Returning) ~ As you leave, following the same path out of the center as you came in, you enter the third stage, which is joining God, your Higher Power, or the healing forces at work in the world. Each time you walk the labyrinth you become more empowered to find and do the work you feel your soul reaching for.



This was my experience:
I gently removed my shoes to feel the hard, cold stone of the floor (from 1860) and began putting one foot in front of the other. Immediately I wanted to see what was next, where the path would lead so I would know what to expect. I made a point to touch every stone of the path and to take my time giving space to those in front of me. At each turn I lined my toes up behind the stone and took a moment to start anew. After each twist and turn we need to take the time to appreciate where we were and where we’re headed. That was the thing, I couldn’t tell who was in front or behind…All I could do was focus on my own path, and trust that following it would take me where I needed to go. The center or the 7-circle rose (it has six and the 7th is invisible, for the record), in perfect timing and divine synchronicity the bells began chiming when I entered the center circle. I stared at the ceiling and the candles, and the sacred images on the wall. Taking the time to appreciate how far I’d come and how far I still had to go. On my way back there more people in my path. I got distracted watching them and sometimes forgot what I was doing. I saw some familiar faces (like Rebecca) and sometimes she was gone, lost in the labyrinth. They were just as important as my path, because they were on it. Some of them didn’t even acknowledge me while others bowed their heads greeting me or smiling. I was aggravated by them being in my way…and then I rememebered they were the way. Showing me new things (like the man walking backwards or the woman gently weeping) to take with me on my way back.

After I completed my walk I sat down as the pianist began playing amazing grace. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the delicious darkness. The song ended and the Rebecca Revolution left with Amazing Grace (Cathedral) still ringing in our ears.

Today I'm grateful for Amazing Grace, Grace Cathedral, and Rebecca.

Facts and figures

This semester's Epic of the Universe class with Brian Swimme has got my mind reeling...Keeping in tune with my "universing" I wanted to encourage more conversing by showcasing some facts and figures everyone should know about us as a cosmic beings (or at least Brian and I think you should know):

Fact #1: Our sun is star (75% of Americans don't know this).

Fact #2: Universe as we know it is 13.7 billion years old.

Fact #3: There are 300 billion stars in Milky Way.

Fact #4: Moon is 384,000 km away (sorry, convert to miles on your own)

Fact #5: 380,000 years ago atoms came forth.

Fact #6: 400 million years ago, first stars.

Fact #7: 3.9 billion years ago first forms of life.

Fact #8: Milky Way is 100,000 light years away (in other words, traveling at the speed of light it would take you 100,000 years to get across it).

Fact #9: Holding one pinkie up to the sky and there are one million galaxies behind that tiny space of space!?

Fact #10: Light coming from the sun takes 8 minutes to reach Earth.

If the following information doesn't put  you in a state of awe, you aren't human...or don't have a brain (or a Brian)!

Today I'm grateful for Epic of the Universe, girls nights, and books and lots of them.

Universing

Enough about yoga, boys, and sometimes other nonsense. I'm needing to get really deep into the essential thing we as human animals have in common...to ask questions about our existence.

Yet, we have no way to truly speak to the Great Mystery of life. Our words lack an unfolding necessary to describe how we were created and continue to evolve. The difficulty gets more...er, difficult when we attempt to talk about "the universe." We use the article "the" to describe an object, particularly one outside of ourselves. If there's anything I've come to appreciate this semester it's seeing ourselves as a part of the universe...not separate from it. It's the difference between gazing at the fuzzy place of stars in the night sky and saying, "oh there's the Milky Way" and instead realizing it is us gazing at the horizon of ourselves as a vast galaxy.

In English there are eight parts of speech - noun, adverb, adjective, verb, adverb, conjunction, preposition, and interjection - in case you needed a review. Here's the kicker, over half of them are nouns; the largest percentage of any other language (or so my Cosmic Conversations book tells me so). Our language has no space for processing and evolving, the way previous cultures and other languages did and do. Without acknowledgement of consistent change we become attached to things/matter/objects. This shows up in many ways, among them the fact we ascribe God/Source/Sacred to things outside of us...rejecting our own divinity. Well, I'm stopping that thousand year habit by making an effort to stop using so many nouns (and stop saying "I" so much). ;)

Today I'm grateful for verbs, conversing, and universing.

Sweet on me

I didn't think I was naive until I moved to Man Fran. In Denver I never received offers for being an escort, doing porn, or having a Sugar Daddy (please ignore capitalization, unsure if this is a proper noun or not). Then again I also didn't have bus rides discussing healing crystals or the beach within three miles of my apartment. This place continues to challenge, confuse, and inspire me on a daily - sometimes hourly - basis.

A Sugar Daddy seems quintessential for a city girl in grad school; providing the ability to actually eat food besides Ramen (not that I do anyway) and be able to pay rent. Sounds like a good deal, a man who I spend time with without any commitment and showers me with gifts and money. I recieved such an offer several weeks ago and it has been weighing on my mind ever since - the way any sort of "offer" that may or may not include sex tends to do. With this one he made it clear sex was not an optional part of the agreement.

Hugh Hefner fits this bill (pun intended) exactly. Would I spend time (not that I do, but blogs can include hypothetical situations) with him if he didn't have money...probably not, unless he really is as charming and witty as he seems. =) I can't help but feel there's something desperately missing in these types of relationships - physical attraction? Acknowledgment of the oddity of the relationship? This whole experience made this very clear for me. The only kind of Sugar Daddy I want is one who feeds me cupcakes in bed...with or without the money.

Today I'm grateful for my new spoon necklace, Hayley's visit, and my prayer flags.

Raising the standards and rising in love

Here I go again - another fling/relationship/whatever ends and once again find myself in a familiar situation. Wondering why I let things go the way they did instead of standing up for what I really wanted and asking it for myself. I thought I had it and then I shut down, and then he shut down, and now we're both shut.

The sinking feeling of lonliness begins to creep in…then I get out angry girl music, go to the gym (a lot), write him an angry letter then delete it, cry, and remove his phone number from my phone in case a weak moment hits. Then I get out my trusty “He’s Just Not that Into You” book. (This is also where I confess I broke my sugar fast to eat some peanut butter bon bons.) Greg reminds me to stop wasting time on men who aren’t worthy of another second. All of this may sound like a self-empowering single silliness (wow, triple alliteration, nice Becky!), but it helps me remember what I deserve and so quickly forget with a good kisser who seems nice, enough.

Instead I find myself in a series of half-assed partial relationships (heaven forbid we talk about what we are) with young guys who don’t even want to plan ahead long enough to have an actual date. Enjoying the gray area of friendship so as not to have to be responsible for my feelings. I welcomed this last gray area in for my own safety and realized that the gray actually hurts us both and encourages games and ridiculousness.
And yet the pattern is deeper than that. It's also about not trying to make something into something it isn’t. So many times I have felt major warning flags and still continued thinking that knowing I don't want to be with them longterm will somehow protect me from getting hurt. Not so loved one, the more we come to know someone we can't help but build some sort of attachment. Once the attachment begins emotions run wild. Games and insecurity have no place in true compatibility and feel like they replace something when it isn’t there…as does physical chemistry.

So what did I learn from this past "relationship?" I am evo"loving"...we didn't rush into things like I have in the past. We really built something before becoming intimate and that could be why this one hurts more than the last. Somewhere with him I wasn't my best self and that becomes the best reason not to continue something. I also repeated patterns such as not leaving him alone when he was pulling away and instead forced communication. Yup, still got a ways to go, but I'm much closer than I was before.

In the meantime there will probably be more frogs…or maybe a partial toad like the last one. Although if the really good ones came along all the time we wouldn’t be able to spot them as easily. I’m going to rise in love (and not just fall) and in the meantime with a few more weeks left of Venus Retrograde set some super helpful standards I will not forsake no matter how hot (or a good kisser) he is:

• I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. (you like me, come and get me)
• I will not date a man who continuously calls me his “friend.” (we are not friends, we are more than friends…deal with it.)
• I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone (e.g. calls when he says he will).
• I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. (we aren’t “kinda hanging out” or “sorta dating” buddy - it doesn't always take money to go on a date)
• I will not date with a man who enjoys the “murky." (I live in SF and don’t need more fog.)
• I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. (enough said)
• I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. (I am not AA or rehab)
• I will not date a man who tells me he calls me when he’s lonely. (get yourself together and then come find me)
• I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future. (If there isn't one, let's talk about that instead!!)
• I will not date a man who is married or in a monogamous relationship. (enough said, been there done that, bleh.)
• I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, and loving person. (Why didn’t I think of this before!!)

Today I'm grateful for love, Greg Behrendt, and "He's Just Not That Into You."

A as in awkward

After leaving yoga class the other night I happened upon what might possibly be the most awkward moment of all time (or at least top 10). Mission and 16th St never ceases to amaze and sometimes frighten me; this time it was almost certainly both. Wait for it...I watched a prostitute get into the wrong car. A larger woman in stilettos got into a car and within moments stumbled out saying, "(insert F-bomb expletive here), wrong car." Then proceeds to walk a half block to an identical car with a creepy man sitting in it.

Several questions that have come up surrounding this event, and I of course have the answers:
1) Are you sure she was a hooker?
Yes, I have spent just enough time in the TL to spot a crack whore. They wear similar clothing and don't usually make eye contact - and, they tend to stumble a lot.

2) Maybe it was a change of heart?
No, she got into another car...I must have forgotten to mention this.

3) Am I evil for laughing?
Not at all. I gasped in horror and then giggled.

4) Why were you at yoga late enough to see the prostitutes come out?
My favorite class gets out at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesdays and then I had to go get a mango lassi at a nearby Pakistani restaurant.

These questions and this occurence brought up a strong opinion I had that I didn't realize I had (if that makes any sense). Prostitution should be legal. There, I said it. It seems so ridiculous for these women to risk so much and not have any legal protection. I know someone who is a prostitute and she tells me stories that make me cry and not just gasp in horror. Everyday (or maybe even several times a day) they get beat up or forced into acts they didn't agree to, or not paid, or worst case scenario murdered. These poor women (and sometimes men) can't turn to the police for help as they are considered illegal.

I think SF should have a legal red light district with police officers on hand just like in Amsterdam. Hookers (not sure if that is PC or not) deserve rights and protection under the law. Although even with such laws I'm not sure it would cut back on the magic of that awkward moment I got to witness...

Today I'm grateful for free yoga classes, depositing money at the bank, and dinner with some of my favorite gals!

Sugar free for me!

Anyone who knows anything about me knows I love sugar...Not sure if it’s a product of having two parents in the dental field and rebelling against that (my Sun opposite Uranus feels this one) or my Taurus and Moon/Venus conjunction that includes craving sweet and the pleasures of life. It could be any number of things really, plain and simple I love sugar. All kinds of it, I have no prejudice against any kind of it…refined, unrefined, super refined...You name it, I love it. I don't just have a sweet tooth, but a sweet body and possibly even subtle body!

So why do a fast of something I love so much? It’s not so much that my body feels bad eating it…more so it scares me how much it consumes me when I crave it. I am more than cravings and now is my chance to prove it. I ate as many of my favorite sugar cravings yesterday as possible in preparation and also loaded up on protein in my fridge to combat energy slumps. For 21 days, which also coincides with my half birthday (which I have come to make as a significant day) oddly enough I will be sugar-free. (But also in time to enjoy pumpkin pie!!) I’m ready to take this on as a spiritual practice and also nervous about facing something that has become such a part of me. Will have to get my serotonin kicks from elsewhere…I’m thinking making out, caffeine, or even massive amounts of ecstasy (just joking Mom), and cuddling are good options; however, I’m also open to suggestions. These next few weeks will undoubtedly be a challenge. (insert sweet pun here). Yes, I’m ready for the new me…sugar free!

Today I'm grateful for Jamie, Rebecca, and carrot soup.