Nightmares of falling asleep

It's no secret there are a few things I’m afraid of. These things typically include (but not limited to) being robbed, earthquakes, large non-human animal predators, and escalators (please leave this be). These things pale in comparison to what terrifies me the most - falling asleep. The kind of falling asleep that occurs in consciousness and afflicts most of our world. I’m afraid of waking up in several years only to realize I’ve been sleep walking through my life. That somewhere along the way I forgot who I really was and to value my divinity and the sacredness of life.

If I fear falling asleep, the question then becomes how do I stay awake? I wait patiently for a pill that gives me enlightenment for eternity or access to a higher plane without a crash. In the meantime I read spiritual books, do yoga, meditate, and sit in prayer. In these still moments my sacred soul reminds me I’m awake right now. In these moment birds sing outside my window and I renew my commitment to this world to get out of my coma and into life.

A wall hanging as I enter my apartment (although it would probably be more useful upon exit or above my bed) with words from His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama reads, “Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it, and I am going to use my energies to develop myself. To expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards other, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

Just as I rise everyday with the sun (or several hours after the sun), so must I respect the patterns of my consciousness and the coming back to grace. I understand there will always be times of sleeping in my life - where I will make decisions based out of fear instead of faith or forget about the joy of the present moment. It will happen over, and over, and over again throughout my life – the important thing isn’t that I avoid falling asleep, but that I wake up at all.

Today I'm grateful for sunshine, lazy Sunday mornings, and fresh laundry  smell.

Tantra tantrums

Ah yes, Tantra - how I love thee. Tantra as in the ancient, non-dualist yogic philosophy, which immediately conjurs up impressions of sexual relations (which is of course a part of it as well). Several weeks ago (not sure why I'm just now getting to this post other than I have been living in Tantric bliss and forgotten), I took a workshop on Tantra yogic wisdom. It was supposed to be two days and in my SF fog I misread the description and missed a day. Alas, I still managed to get a lot out of it and was reminded that even the process of missing class was a sacred act in and of itself (or so I tell myself).

My favorite Tantra (different from more common yoga or Vedante philsophies) explanation I have found so far comes from a Web site http://www.exoticindiaart.com/:

Tantra has developed a system of thought which makes us see the universe as if it were within ourselves, and ourselves as if we were within the universe. Further the forces governing the cosmos on the macro-level are believed to govern the individual in the micro-level. According to tantra, the individual being and universal being are one. Thus all that exists in the universe must also exist in the individual body.


One of our major limitations in discovering this essential unity between the microcosm and the macrocosm is that we are accustomed to analyze the world into its separate parts, with the result that we lose sight of those parts' inter-relationship and their underlying unity. The way to fulfillment is through recognition of our wholeness linking man and the universe.

According to tantric principles, all that exists in the universe must also exist in the individual body. If we can analyze one human being, we shall be able to analyze the entire universe. The purpose is to search for the whole truth within, so that one may realize one 's inner self, unfolding the basic reality of the universe.

Tantric sex comes from this philosophy in the acknowledgment of this unity and the sacredness of bodies representing the universe itself. Experiencing Tantra can also manifest itself in everyday moments while recognizing this unity. I shall name these experiences, for my sake, "Tantra tantrums." They're experiences of utter and complete oneness with life. I have had very few of them and words can't describe what it feels like - so I won't even try. Needless to say we recognize in essence "we are made of stars" and the cosmos and things we continually see as outside of ourselves as within, it completely morphs our view of reality and the way we live life. The simplest, even angry thought can be blessed with actions of love - it appears to make the mundane magical. I'm all about Tantra tantrums!

Today I'm grateful for my meditation cushion, Oneness, and duality.

Jewel suspended in stars, behold Earth!

Happy 40th Earth Day! (Not that Earth is only 40 years old, but you know what I mean...) Last year to celebrate and honor our wonderous world I carried my trash with me for a week, only to discover two things: 1) I produce a lot of trash 2) people don't want to spend time with you when you smell bad. This year my celebration resembles more of a gratitude rampage and pledge to do more. Like so many of us I get paralyzed by uncertainty. Not knowing where to begin - so I don't. How can one human being carry the weight of all the problems and issues about our environment? Instead I choose the "think global and act local" mentality. Our choices change the world!

Here's my pledge to Earth:
-to not buy a car unless electric-powered, or running on recycled materials
-buy secondhand first when shopping for something I need
-purchase local produce, instead of just organic which may have traveled from very far
-set up compost for my building
-suggest and talk to my management company about a rooftop garden for my building
-decrease my meat intake to four times a week and search for ways to make sure it is from within 90 miles of where I live
-volunteer at the local Hayes Valley Farm
-not to use even paper bags when shopping
-use more Earth-friendly cleaning products
-donate more money to environmental non-profits

There are books upon books and lists upon lists (I should know, I love to write them) about how to "save" the planet. (As if the planet needs to be saved and hasn't survived for many millions of years.) No, it isn't about "saving" the planet so much as respecting and cherishing it. This magical planet we call home sustains us and asks nothing in return. I would rather give without being asked. So...maybe the first step really is just gratitude, and from growing gratitude arises so much more - hopefully inspiring action!

Today I'm grateful for BART, Earth Day, and my new Sustainable Sourcebook.

Now you see them - now you don't

I'm making a magician reference and also having reverence for beautiful cherry blossoms. This weekend I attended the Cherry Blossom parade and festival in Japantown. (This would also be the perfect time to admit I mostly enjoyed the parade so that I could wave fanatically at complete strangers without any sort of repercussions.) Even after being China I didn't quite understand the fascination with cherry blossom trees, sure they're beautiful...for about three days before they disappear.

Turns out I was missing the entire point, as dorky blonde girls sometimes do. It's their emphemeral and fleeting nature that makes them cause for celebration - a wonderful reminder of impermance of beauty and life. How easily we forget nothing lasts forever. It's easy to take this concept as depressing or sad and now I see how freeing it truly is. The good, the bad, and the ugly...only for so long.

The photo is in the Shakespeare Garden in Golden Gate Park, beautiful at that moment with the cherry blossoms and sundial that says "Count time with the sunny days." When I returned a few days later all the petals had fallen off and filled the path with pale pink confetti. I suspect next time I mosy there, the path will no longer be covered and all that will remain are my memories of that fleeting moment with the cherry blossoms and sundial - the perfect complement.

Today I'm grateful for cleaning spree, warm showers, and leftovers.

Ambidextrous ambitions

One of the things I would like to do in this lifetime is become ambidextrous. While I don't think there are any immediate benefits to being able to write with both my left and right hand, more so I would like to join the small, elite group of people who are able to accomplish this feat. (American Pediatrics estimates this number is about 1 in 100.) My efforts thus far have been rather disappointing. In my Thursday evening class I began writing with my left hand. Besides looking extremely awkward (nothing new there), it took far too long. By the time I was able to get one thought down in my scribble, the class had moved on about seven minutes ago.

Instead of starting off with such a grand ambition I decided to try my "hand" (pun intended) at using my left hand more often for everyday things. Brushing my teeth has been the most messy, followed by inappropriate computer mouse usage. While I certainly have strong ambidextrous ambitions, they may have to wait until I can at least master the mouse or can have someone else take notes for me.

Today I'm grateful for patience, my beautiful meditation this morning, and sundresses with boots.

Food for thought

We have all heard the adage, "You are what you eat." I have recently realized I don't have the desire to be anything I eat...okay, maybe besides a cupcake. My Environmental Ethics class today on "food ethics" really brought this issue home. One part of life I consistently feel out of integrity with is my food and views on non-human (we are animals after all) animal rights. I won't kill a cockroach, moth or spider, and yet several times I week I eat chicken, eggs, and fish (mostly pescatarian diet). As a little girl (and sometimes as a big girl) I remember crying at rodeos and zoos and now my only non-human relationships consist of an occassional cockroach or dog on the street. This disconnection troubles me and reminds me of what a profound impact they can have on our lives.

I have attempted vegan and vegetarian lifestyles (paying very close attention to my protein and nutrient intake) several times and even with iron and other supplements my body suffered - practically fainting on command. It appears something in my DNA or blood makes it very difficult for me to have that lifestyle (by difficult I mean fainting and overall malaise). Call it an unevolved or stubborn on my part, it doesn't work for me. I am able to stay away from milk and cheese, but the "meat" of the issue is indeed meat.

In my ideal world my relationship with eating animals would be those I killed myself and would be able to make the act sacred and beautiful. I would grow my own food and have chickens for eggs and live so closely in relationship with the earth I could never forget how intertwined we are. Alas, I am an urban dweller and I go to Whole Foods and farmers' markets and I tell cockroaches to leave my apartment wishing I could communicate with them.

Examining our relationship with non-human animals gives us perspective on how we live our lives and how we see our role in this beautiful world. My only  incongruous relationship with N.H. (short for non-human) animals are the ones I eat, otherwise I am completely on their side for getting rid of zoos and circuses, wearing fur, ending science experiments on them, and the like. While caring for N.H. animals extends far more than these issues, I feel incredibly connected with them and do what I can with what I know to keep myself in integrity to support them, while keeping myself nourished.

I walked away from the class realizing I can make choices that make a difference, even if it's only cutting back 15% (as in the Meatless Mondays movement). Reminding myself to be as mindful of my negativity towards myself as I am of my food. Ah yes, certainly food for thought.

Today I'm grateful for curry, full moons, and passover.

Let me "bee!"

Spring has officially arrived by the calendar, but my hormones notified me quite sooner than that. Spring fever has taken on a new context for me...not so much feeling lazy and instead rather warm and fuzzy. I appear to be making googly eyes at more than half the men I encounter (and possibly some women depending on how San Franciscan I feel). I find it most  funny how they (my hormones, not men) somehow want to convince me - the rational and spiritual being I am - that I should be engaging in procreation of some sort. Silly estrogen and progesterone...there's no rush. Furthermore, believe it or not you are not in control of my life. You don't get to determine my needs or actions for that matter. There will be many more spring times for such birds and the bees distraction. I acknowledge you have a purpose and can be useful in times of decreasing population and reminding me about my future possibilities of a mother, not right now. For now would please leave me alone and let me "bee." Thank you. My graduate education and I both thank you.

Today I'm grateful for Emergen-C, Sal, and gospel music.

Bare my sole!

In honor of Toms Shoes One Day Without Shoes...I'm surrending my shoes and baring my sole (hopefully a day, possibly not into the night). Certainly am a tad nervous, SF doesn't exactly have the cleanest streets, I shall do my best and bring shoes along into BART, just in case.

http://www.onedaywithoutshoes.com/

Today I'm grateful for shoes, Toms, and my haircut tomorrow.

Two years and counting

Today marks the second anniversary of my blog and I realize this is quite possibly the longest amount of time I have committed anything (besides my college education). Anniversaries bring about a time of reflection, here's what I've learned since having this blog and sharing myself so openly  about what life is like "Being Becky:"

• My tendency is towards avoiding commitment - except when it comes to this blog.
• I enjoy writing about baked goods, a lot. Especially if they start with "cup" and end with "cake."
• Most likely I will always be a little snobby and like to make fun of people's grammar (that's what grammarians do after all).
• When I don't feel like writing or sharing myself is exactly when I should.
• Writing makes me feel good and if that's the only  reason I do it - so be it.
• Life never ceases to amaze me.

Today I'm grateful for Blogspot, new template designs, and courage to share myself.

Here's my first post and a dorky shirt I made about my blog:

"B" is for "Becky" and "Blogging"

Wow, I'm excited to have a blog, but fully acknowledge it is quite possibly one of the most egotistical things I have ever done (besides owning more clothing and underwear than anyone I know). In college I had some lame column (and yes, I am an SJP wannabe at heart) about my adventures of pretty much making an idiot of myself...this just seemed right up my alley. Plus, my BFF (best friend forever) has a new BF (boyfriend), so this BF (Becky Farrar) needs to find more ways to occupy her time besides bother her! I don't really believe people will read my blog religiously or have it inspire them to become a dorky blonde girl (Lord knows we don't need any more of them), but I do want it to be a clearing for growth. My hope is to share things people can relate to and know they're not alone in what they feel. More importantly I want this to be a blog about reminding me of who I am - love, joy and vitality.


I look forward to sharing myself on this rollercoaster/journey/crazy thing called life with all of you. I plan to update it frequently - particularly at 4:57 p.m. on Fridays where there isn't anything else I can possibly accomplish worthwhile at work...

I will end every post with three things I'm grateful for. Why you ask (or don't because you don't really care)? Because every night before I go to bed I write them down in a book on my nightstand and enjoy realizing how much I have.

Today I'm grateful for: cinnamon tea, pedicures, and the cute guy at Rico's.

Identity Crisis

I'm beginning to realize a huge part of moving has to do with creating an entirely new identity, which I wasn't quite prepared for and have no desire to do. Identities are created in relationships to others and not having as many "others" in my life here presents somewhat of problem, for my identity. We develop and reinforce identities by the clothes we wear, people we spend time with, or what we do on our spare time. Day by day I feel drawn to different clothes, different people, and different things (case in point going to an art museum one day and a comic book store the next).

Moving to SF (I'm on to just abbrev. and not even spelling out the full name of this city) gives me the opportunity to make a new identity and reinforces that I don't want one. People struggle everyday to create an identity for themselves and become something they want to be seen as. It seems that was the entire point of middle school and high school (besides learning how not to be cool). We create identities for other people to feel that we know or are able to understand them - the whole purpose of labels is to accomplish this. The question(s) appears to be, "Who do I want to create myself as in this interesting new place? Am I serious grad student or ready to let loose and enjoy all the clubs the Castro has to offer? Am I a hippie or a foodie?"

Past posts I wrote about my split personalities in discovering who I am as either a sorority girl or hippie and realizing I am both. Hence the section on FB about being half sorority girl, half hippie, and all love (although I'm thinking all dork would be more appropriate). From a philosophic or ontological standpoint this seems basic, but from an experiencing life perspective it isn't so easy. Without an identity everyday choices seem impossible and hard to predict. If I am everything - and therefore nothing (thank you again Landmark Education) - I am anything I want to be, which always seems to bring me back to love, joy, and vitality. Creating the identity isn't so difficult - it's not identifying with one that's the hard part. ;)

Today I'm grateful for asking questions, spatzle, and coupons.